Lunar Phases
by CarrieW
Summary: This story is about a journey into self-realization, self-purpose, and peace for Renesmee Carlie Cullen. If you make it through Chapter 2, you'll be well on your way to loving it as much as I do. I'd appreciate the chance to improve through your reviews.
1. Coming of Age

_**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephenie Meyer. The **_**original characters and plot**_** are the property of the author. The storyline and plot moving forward is mine. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**_

**Author Notes - Yes, this is a very long and almost boring chapter. There is a lot of rehashing done in my character development. It's been a long time since the end of Breaking Dawn...so I apologize that this chapter seems very redundant and somewhat unoriginal. If you have the time, please at least get to chapter 2 or 3 before giving up on this story. I do plan on going back at some point and reworking this, but it won't be for a while. If it helps, I didn't fall in love with it (that's right, I love my own story) until after chapter 2. Thanks for reading and I look forward to your thoughts.**

**Chapter 1 – Coming of Age**

_I don't believe one grows older. I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates._ - T. S. Eliot

When I woke up, I envisioned myself tearing from the sheets and springing up to embrace the day. Something more than personal pride in my birthday was marking the continuation of my existence in a new way, something more substantial. An end. Funny that a ritualistic day celebrating birth would mark a journey's end for me.

Instead of moving, I froze. Today was a beginning to all things but one, because my growth spurt had come to an abrupt halt. The stretching limbs and constant fast forward would cease now. Development complete. The normal growing pains of youth said nothing for what it felt for me to advance and reach this point. Full growth, from embryo to adult, in seven years had definitely taken its toll both physically and mentally.

I lay on my pillow, trying to shove away the sluggishness that always plagued me in the mornings. I knew I wouldn't miss the sleeping that had found me unconscious for nearly twelve hours a day, every day, since the day I was born. I had to hope that since the growing had stopped, I wouldn't need so many hours to recuperate from it.

In the grand scheme of things, having spent half my life wasted in torpor was fractional when sized against the lifetime I had ahead of me. But my vampire family didn't sleep. Not ever. Since I did, I constantly felt like I was missing out on some important detail. A whole different kind of life was slipping by in my absence, one that I would never be a part of.

Apparently, being a half-vampire held the same benefit of prolonged existence – probably. I wouldn't fight this theory, because the alternative was far too scary. Too morbid. Too real. It was far safer in my fantasy realm than it ever could have been outside of it. Even with the monsters lingering outside the peripheral view of humanity, that blissful ignorance of their existence did not shield me from death. Neither mortal nor magical side could truly promise that.

I hauled the pillow over my face. Awake or not, I still couldn't really know either life, because I was only a half-breed; half-vampire, half-human. Being half and half was never about even sides. I wasn't 50% vampire or 50% human. I was one or the other. I couldn't have the best of both worlds. I had to choose. Suffocation seemed simpler than making that choice.

Yawning again, I contemplated lying back on the bed and shoving away the entire day. To my parents, Edward and Bella Cullen, the seven years of my childhood were unbearably short when weighed against an eternity. Vampires have that luxury, you see. Time is gauged differently when it's endless. That short time for them seemed very long for my body, which was trying desperately to catch up with my mind. Now that body and mind were on an equal playing field, I could focus on the game at hand.

I sat up on the bed, tossing the pillow to the floor. Having grown so quickly did steal from them moments normal parents lingered over, and it was only natural that I allow them to hover and overindulge me as much as possible. It had pleased them to do so, been necessary for their sanity. Then again, normal was not exactly a sound representation of my family, neither my caregivers directly nor the extensions surrounding them.

My family members each played a unique role in my life. For instance, having a vampire doctor as a grandfather led to many inspections, trials, charts, and exams - to the point that I sometimes felt more like a test candidate than a real person, let alone a child. I was never a child. Grandfather meant no harm, of course, and I was happy to help, just not altogether eager to be the little experiment for him. To be fair, he was the reason I was so attuned to my two halves, so aware of how incredibly different they were from one another. His theories and calculations made for a fantastic explanation to so many of my life's phases. He was my educator.

When given the choice, I preferred to spend my free moments with my Grandpa Swan and Sue Clearwater. Those moments were full of things that seemed easy, simpler somehow. He lived by a 'need to know basis' sort of philosophy, which was completely fine for me. He loved me without conditions or questions and cherished all moments we spent together. He would never ask what was not my secret to tell, and he could never truly know how much I appreciated that.

_"Bells," he would say to my mom. "She's growing like a bad weed. You did real good."_

Begrudgingly, I swung my feet over the side of the bed. It never made a lot of sense to me how a bad weed could be good. Of course, I did have a tendency to take things entirely too literally. Being raised in the realm of magic and wonder, it hadn't dawned on me for quite some time that anything else existed or could exist for me. Grandpa Swan helped me see another side. Being special was second nature and altogether common in my life. What I was and what I could do was unique and important. I understood this, but still felt like running away from it sometimes. With him, I was a special kind of special. There were no expectations, no calculations, and no stipulations. He loved me for me, whatever that was. He was my escape.

_"And who am I?" I would ask, chocolate brown eyes settling on his aging face._

_"You know the answer to that better than me," Grandpa would say._

_When my face turned serious, he always laughed lightly and explained through the words Sue first said to me, "You are every piece of good passed down from many generations, until the good grew enough to become you."_

Grandpa wasn't a talker, but he never minded repeating those clean, easy statements he'd heard from the lips of Sue, who was something more than a great storyteller of Quileute legends. She carried with her a defined sense of history that focused on generational augmentation, evolution based on birth rites. She gave him a peace he hadn't known in all of his life. I wanted to touch that, take that. It wasn't mine to have, and the closest thing I would ever come to amity was being around them for as much time as I possibly could. For the most part, that was enough.

On the other side, the side of my father, the vampires filled my life with laughter and love and nothing of what the outside world would dream to envision of monstrous myths. I had heard many stories, lore and legends, and always found my questions answered honestly when I sought out the truth inside the tales. My mind was never that of a child's and so answering such things was a great deal easier for everyone. They never tried to lie to me. I'm not sure they could have if they wanted to. All great epics are bound by some degree of legitimacy. With me, there was a lot of trial and error involved in the learning curve. Each phase forward of my life marked history, making new myths. I was a testament to something never accurately catalogued in vampire record.

Slow motion steps found me in front of my closet, where I opened it to the onslaught of clothes enough for twenty children. For the most part, Alice Cullen had practicality in mind. For a long time, I really could not wear the same thing on more than one occasion, rapidly outgrowing everything in my wardrobe. Alice was a spirited vampire, easy to love and fun to be around. I assumed that part of her over-interest had something to do with the fact that my very presence inhibited the gift she possessed to see into the future.

My future was as unknown to her as it was to me, and I made her curious. That curiosity would find her spending hours trying to figure out some sort of pattern in my expressions and mannerisms so that she could predict what my next movement would be; using deduction instead of the gift she was without. I don't think that ever worked out very well. I didn't have the heart to explain to her that I had no idea what I would do from one moment to the next, so there was no possible way she would be able to do that for me. No one had ever or would ever be ready for me in that way, know me that way.

At least it provided her with some entertainment. She and the other vampires were all getting antsy to leave the confines of Forks, Washington. Speculations had already made it impossible to lead any normal sort of existence. It was unsafe to stay. It was time to move on, and I was holding them back. Normality halted for them while I grew. I was done growing. Where would they go now? Would I go with them?

Carefully calculating, I chose a blue, strapless satin that halted at my knees. Dad would appreciate the use of his favorite color, finding it the loveliest color on both of his ladies. The length, or lack thereof, of the dress might be a problem, but I was an adult now, after all. He'd have an entirely new range of things to grow accustomed to in the coming months.

I was never a little girl, but with a childlike form it was easier for them to pretend me immature. What was harder to accept was that my mental awareness began at my conception. It shifted from nothing to everything all at once. Of course, I still had to learn things, as an adult might have to should a wave of amnesia overwhelm their brain, but it wasn't the same type of learning. My education required no repetition or quizzing to confirm what I'd been taught. I was the perfect student. Retention began at the instant of my creation, the instant my father and mother connected on that elevated, physical level.

I had so much of both of them in me. Her eyes. His face. I had both of their stubbornness doubled together and multiplied, and it exuded from me. I was naturally rebellious, and daring, and everything a regular parent dreads that a teenager could ever possibly be. Yet, they loved me all the same no matter what I tried to do to surprise them. It helped a great deal that my healing factor was nothing short of miraculous.

I pulled the dress over my head, smoothing it out to fall along the curves of my completed form. Having a dad who could read your every thought was somewhat bothersome. It made it quite difficult to have a mind of my own, because I was always concerned I would say or think the wrong thing, _show_ the wrong thing, and I loved him so deeply I couldn't bear to cause him that sort of pain. On the other hand, having to never fully explain myself was a blessing. What he couldn't read, I could show him. This was my gift. It was a gift to relay thoughts into someone's mind, the opposite of his ability to hear others' thoughts.

Dad had never purposely taken anything he heard and used it against me, but I was sure that in the midst of my unconsciousness, he told Mom everything. No more secrets. The time for secrets had long past. Mom, via Dad, knew all my thoughts. Once, her thinking was a mystery to him, but she had found a way to bypass her shielding and share her thoughts with him. She was able to share it when she chose. That was just it, why it was so frustrating. She _chose_ to show him. There was no choice for me. They knew. They knew my every movement, my every thought, and my hopes and dreams. They knew everything. Yet they knew nothing, because I hadn't figured myself out yet, and the time for answers had come. I wasn't ready.

Walking back to the closet, I stretched down and reached for a pair of stiletto-heeled shoes, which tied in laces up my calves. I certainly spent too much time thinking, but that was a burden that came with my attribute. I couldn't forget. I remembered every moment, every movement, and every second of my life. I could remember the name of every person I had ever met. I remembered the darkness before my birth, the voices surrounding me before I could put them to faces, and those faces speaking words they couldn't believe I understood. I remembered the regret, the reluctance, the acceptance, and finally the understanding of everyone around me. I had a retentive mind from the very beginning that was without the limitations of space, infinite.

I learned and grew intellectually, but my mind did this far quicker than my body. The limitation came from wanting my body to do things I was not yet physically capable of. I found a way around that quickly after birth. I could _show_ them what I wanted, and they did not hesitate to listen. Now that my movements were mine, and I had full range of motion melded with mind, why did it feel like I was about to lose all sense of control? I could control my body, why not my thoughts? Why not my fears and apprehensions?

Satisfied with the attire, I moved over to my vanity and sat somewhat awkwardly on the stool. It badly needed to be replaced by a larger version. I had hoped it would grow with me too, as it was a gift from my very best friend in the world, a friend who now intentionally avoided me. He was present, yes, but never as close as he once was. Distant guarding. Reaching down, I could feel the smooth grooves of the seat he had made me, each carved curve forming into the beautiful wolves that represented him. That's all that I seemed to have left of him in the last few years: a motion in the darkness, a shadow in the distance.

Jacob Black had been a part of my life since the moment I was born, drawn to me by what was casually explained as imprinting.

_"It's a wolf thing," he told me when I asked, his bright, white smile spreading outward to his golden cheeks._

At a very young age, I assumed that this would be some sort of unavoidable connection we were forced into. Outwardly, it felt sort of like an arranged marriage that no one was altogether pleased about, yet somehow accepted. Maybe _accepted_ wasn't the right word. Maybe _endured_ was more accurate. There would be no choice when that time came. When growth halted, it would only make sense for us to become mates. Inwardly, it felt oddly comforting to know that no matter my place in life, there was always someone there waiting for only me. As I matured and started to experience new feelings, the physical aspect of reciprocated affection was awkwardly terrifying.

I thought of my family, vampire and human alike, as pairs. Mom and Dad, Grandfather and Grandmother Cullen, Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, Grandpa Swan and Sue. They were bound and content to be that way, fawning and affectionate toward one another, something different than the lavished attention they all poured equally toward me. From the outside looking in, it appeared much more personal and appealing. I didn't have a mind to find that for myself. Not yet. In fact, what few free moments I could spend daydreaming, which were exceptionally limited due to lack of privacy, I spent seeking freedom, separation, and silence. I certainly didn't spend them sitting around waiting in wonder to marry Jacob Black.

Desperately trying to comb through the bronze curls atop my head, I moaned in frustration at the mess of hair. The sound of my voice frightened me. In truth, I didn't speak much, not with my vocal chords anyway. I had no reason to. So when the voice sang out, it was nearly always a shock to me that it was mine. It changed so frequently that it wasn't something I ever had a chance to get used to. My mind never aged, and it took my body a while to catch up to it. Little things like my unchanging voice were signs I was done growing. My bearings would be adjusted soon, and maybe I could set myself on cruise control for a while, until some sort of balance presented itself.

The Grandpa-inherited ringlets draped loosely at my waist, unmoved by my futile attempts to untangle them. Defeated, I wound them around themselves, and placed them at the back of my head, fastening them with a clip that strained with the effort of containing them. It was a sophisticated look that suited the day. Soon enough I would be getting it cut. This time, I might not take the scissors and find my scalp, as I did in frustration two years prior. Being nearly bald really hadn't bothered me as much as it did everyone else. Thankfully, they viewed the gesture as a short-lived fashion statement instead of pressing me for reasons as to why I would do something so foolish. Unsurprisingly, it grew out in record time, which helped me avoid the onslaught of continuously raised eyebrows after the self-induced curl slaying. Jacob hadn't noticed, or if he did, he never thought to ask me why I had done such a childish thing. That would have required him to talk to me, resulting in unneeded emotions and embarrassing explanations. The detachment allowed for healthy reflection.

Chopping my hair off at the roots was not done as a sort of trend-seeking but as an act of rebellion. I was hurt and so something had to be done. I was not quite a woman but feeling such strong emotions of longing, it was wildly unbearable. Had I chosen a more opportune time to try the human diet, maybe the phase of puberty wouldn't have affected me so strongly, so hormonally.

Strangely, even though my brain was not quiet, my stomach was. Generally, I would want to chew through the pillow to get to a food source. Even after something as short as an afternoon nap, I was always hungry when I woke up. My appetite fluctuated from starving to famished every waking hour, never leveling. I couldn't seem to sate it, that devastating desire to consume. This stemmed mostly from the fact that my body was using up its nutrients nearly as fast as my system could absorb them. Human food lingered a bit longer in my digestive tract, trailing through a system that was designed to thrive on that sort of thing. However, I couldn't really stand the taste of it. No matter how many flavors I tried, none of them compared to red body fluid. It was like a kid being asked to make a choice between soda and water.

I had two choices where nourishment was concerned. I could either fill myself as mortals would, seeking nutritional sustenance from product, or I could maintain a diet of blood, which bypassed the need for normal mineral intake. The food allowed a cellular process to occur within my blood where it could regenerate itself, while fresh blood directly flushed out the old, replacing it with new. My choice was to recycle or to replenish. Like all green go-getters, the recycling option had side effects I wasn't prepared to appreciate. After an extended stint on food, certain human annoyances reared their ugly heads. Restroom visits. Acne. Menstruation.

My stint of humanitarianism was short-lived, largely in part due to another human limitation that came crashing into my heart like a ton of bricks: self-consciousness and doubt. I had never thought it would be possible, not in the way everyone made out the connection to be. It never dawned on me that while I was feeling so much like a woman, my form showed only an almost-lady, no more than fourteen. When I tried to show Jacob just how much I appreciated his constant vigil, the rejection swept me into a swirl of confusion. When time continued to mark his absence, I realized it was more than a physical deflection due to developmental phase. He just didn't want me.

After that escapade, my actions were more and more inappropriate. I would yell, cry, and take faux panic attacks over simple, everyday difficulties. I was acting out, and while my mind was full of 'stop', I couldn't help but 'go'. My self-restraint was lost somewhere inside pubescence. On a positive note, I added a certain entertainment value that surely broke the monotonous continuum of the vampire's extended stay. None but one of them knew how to handle my tantrums, and so it left me enjoying them all the more. It was a part of themselves they hadn't seen in many years, the human part.

The most recently changed was my mother. She had sacrificed herself in keeping me, and never once had she regretted that choice, even once her mortal life had ended. So, when the strangeness occurred in me, human strangeness, Mom remembered most of it with vague detail and tried her best to walk me through what were obviously some personally awkward times. I gave up on human food quickly after that, shaking away those ill effects for a change that was much more convenient, much more predictable. Her love for me was boundless, and so I loved her back with all that I had, knowing that someday a chance would be given to repay that. Preventing tantrums wasn't quite the thank you I had in mind for her, but she would have settled for that, I was sure.

My earliest memory centered on knowing I wasn't meant to survive. If not for the help of Rosalie Hale, I would never have been born. A blonde angel, an ice princess, she was cold to all but me. Rosalie and my mother could never see eye to eye on anything aside from me. Rosalie still longed for what might have been, unable to freely step forward knowing what she left behind. It seemed only natural to cling to a small part of her dream by cradling a baby in her arms. Her mate Emmett Cullen, big and ferocious as the bears that caused his turning, was helpless to fight against her wishes. She knew he was the closest to perfection she could ever choose in a new life. She didn't regret him, but I often wondered if given the choice, would she choose another life knowing what it would do to his without her in it? Whether the baby was hers or someone else's, it was the closest thing she would ever come to motherhood. So, when I was born, it made perfect sense that she would dote on me. Like all others, she melted for me, bending to my will. Her motives were pure enough, even if I saw the moments of regret flash in her eyes. Was she regretting her own transformation or the fact that my mother had survived the birth of me? Did it really make a difference either way?

When I'd acted out with the scalping, it was Rose who'd first seen my new hairdo. Her mouth twitched a little, and I was sure somewhere on those generally snug lips there were the beginnings of a smile. Being vain as she was, she could never have done something so brazen. The second person I saw was Alice, who would have bound my hands together using any means necessary had she seen what was coming. The block between her gift and I had as much wonder as it had woe.

_"Nessie!" Alice had exclaimed, gasping. "What in the world did you do to yourself?"_

Lifting myself from the stool, I walked over to the full-length mirror to admire myself. I did not look anything like Nessie. Nessie was gone. I _was_ Renesmee Carlie Cullen. My body held the truth of maturity in every curve. I was no longer the little girl, the child. I was a woman, from my perfectly plump lips to my stiletto-headed shoes. I had grown. That process was complete whether I or any of them wanted to admit it. Staring at the beautiful woman's reflection, I felt tears well up at the corners of my eyes for the loss of a youth, too soon gone by. I wanted nothing more than for this day to come. Now, it was here, and I wanted to rewind the clock. I had a lot more growing to do mentally.

The knocking made me shudder, and I realized that it wasn't coming from the door. No one was there to shake me out of my confused state, as they had been every day for the last seven years. No one was there to hear the thoughts in my mind or read the expressions on my face, over-stepping private boundaries. No one was there to overextend my personal limits by instantly rushing in to soothe away all my emotions before they rocketed out of control. No one was there to talk me out of absolute insanity. I'd asked them not to be, made them promise to see me from this day forward as an equal, an adult. They had picked a very inconvenient time to start listening to me, or was it the perfect time? I was alone, and the rapping sounds came from my knees, crashing together with enough force that had they been normal, my bones would have been transformed into a pile of rubble on the floor. In chorus, my chattering teeth chimed in, grinding together in a way that actually caused my mouth pain. I was all grown up, and I was terrified.

**Don't forget to click next. This is a multi-chapter story **


	2. Celebratory Detachment

**Chapter 2 – Celebratory Detachment**

_Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over._ - Gloria Naylor

The walk to the main house would help to clear my head. The fresh air filled my lungs with the scent of nature. I couldn't imagine a more pleasant home. Trees crowded in to comfort me, branches reaching out to brush my arms as I passed, encouraging me onward. They were greeting me, wishing me a wonderful evening. I stepped cautiously, not wanting my heels to sink into the earth below them.

I heard a rustle in the leaves about a quarter mile behind me. Instinctively, I sniffed the air, annoyed that the creature was downwind of me and I couldn't figure out which one of them it was.

It wasn't the vampires. They could be trusted to fulfill their end of the bargain; the conversation about my birthday party. My attendance had specific conditions. Alice was the only one to argue my wishes, and she had hoped that she could embellish with child-like motif for one more year. Being in charge of the decorations always delighted her, and the inspirational themes she suggested were nothing short of spectacular. Helium Hysterics had been one of my favorites. Everyone had to speak in a high pitch, faux helium type voice the entire night. It was amusing, to say the least. Alice had a way of getting everyone involved, whether they wanted to participate or not. When manipulation and bribery didn't work, threats were effective. That was my first birthday party, the beginning of a ritual she delighted over each year after.

Again, the nearly inaudible shifting of undergrowth came from behind me, and I grumbled, "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to stalk people?"

Not waiting for a response, I picked up my pace. Whoever it was didn't really matter. It wasn't Jacob. It was one or another of his little minions sent to do his bidding. In the last two years, I had spoken to him once in human form. It was a very brief altercation, void of personal contact. I let him think I was clueless to his constant vigil within my peripheral vision. If he'd wanted me to see him, to know he was still watching, he would have made it apparent. Maintaining a distance between us said far more than words ever could have. Had I asked for closer contact, he would have given it. Punishing myself by being without him was the only thing I could do to apologize for what I had asked from him.

Imprinting was far more complex than I'd realized. I thought it was an easy matter of all life's forces shifting, and when they did, tunnel vision had the Imprinter seeing nothing but the Imprintee, sewn to her by a million invincible, invisible threads. Obviously, it wasn't so simple. If the puppeteer was unable to move the marionette, then the cords would hang motionless, rotting. My wolf was torn with grief and disgust about the connection, fighting against it. I knew the battle wouldn't last forever, but I had no desire to be the second best selection when the big, bad wolf finally stopped trying to rival Fate. After all, I wasn't the one who had Imprinted. As the Imprintee, I _did_ have a choice. I didn't have to settle for anything, regardless of the linkage he _thought_ he had made. My future might have caused me discomfort and worry, but that was only because it was _my _future. No one else could tell me how to live it. I wouldn't live it for anyone else.

"Nessie," called a feminine voice from behind me. "Wait up."

Leah Clearwater was in Jacob's pack, and because of that she knew everything about me that Jacob knew and vice versa. Wolves held no secrets; the pack mind was completely united. We had formed a sort of friendship, though it surprised everyone. Leah despised vampires, and since I was half, no one really understood why she would be drawn to me. I wasn't suspicious. Sure, I couldn't tell her anything I didn't want repeated, but that was expected, accepted. She wasn't deliberately reporting my every move to Jacob. She didn't have a choice. We had that in common. Our bond stemmed more, in my opinion, from the fact that I was the only other female she felt comfortable with, and I happened to have 14 chromosomes. I sympathized with her, Like me, she had no one to share her pain with.

She slowed her run when she caught up to me, and we walked quietly together. While I didn't generally mind silence, the lack of communication between us shook my nerves.

"Someone thought I needed an escort?" I asked glumly.

"Sorry," she replied, and I instantly regretted asking her.

Jacob wanted to make sure I didn't gallivant through the forest unprotected. Leah had never tried to lie to me. I really liked that about her. Her bitter facade faded in my presence, like she could be open about how she was feeling, because it wouldn't matter to her whether I thought she was tough or mean or sad. There was no need to put up a formidable guard. Like most childhood nicknames, pushed aside in maturity, Nessie was gone now, but it didn't bother me that she still called me that name. I would always be Nessie to her.

"I actually wanted to come, anyway," she said, knowing her words had upset me.

Leah did want to come. It just annoyed me that certain _people _couldn't stand back enough to let nature take its course. So, instead of it being a gesture of friendship, it had been warped into some territorial desire to protect. It turned a perfectly common stroll with a friend into something weird and unwanted.

"How was your day?" Leah persisted, obviously as distraught as I was.

"It was…quiet," I admitted.

She sighed dreamily, and I knew she was envious. We both felt the same sense of intrusion, on different levels. In her wolf pack, Leah had no private thoughts. Every little thing she felt and saw was thrust upon the others. Bitterness and anger helped focus her thoughts, and sometimes she was able to go days without the boys picking up on anything other than the annoying commentary she threw their way. It was the same with Dad. He heard everything in my mind, and I was jealous that Mom was the only one gifted with shielding. Leah had something of an advantage though, in this department. Not only could they hear her mind, but their thoughts and feelings belonged to her as well. So, while the struggle continued, at least it was two sided, a glass wall that allowed them to work as a team, as one joined unit. I couldn't read minds. My ability didn't work like that. Mine was a giving talent, one-sided, a mirror reflecting back all that I saw. Was anything ever truly one-sided? Could I take something, and if so, what would it be?

When we broke through the trees, Leah stopped abruptly, wrinkling her nose at the smell she still hadn't gotten used to.

"This really stinks," I joked, watching the smile form at the corners of her mouth, knowing she took my words in the entirely wrong context.

"Yeah, I know," she retorted.

"Ugh, Leah," I grumbled. "I didn't mean literally."

She laughed. She knew what I meant, and backed into the woods a few steps. I knew she wouldn't come inside. No matter how much time passed, she just couldn't fight the feelings she had about the vampires. The history and purpose of her being wouldn't allow her to evolve. The Quileute tribe and the Cullen Clan were beyond the need for a truce. The treaty existed as a formality. My vampire family considered the wolves a new branch of supernatural friends, ones they could share their secret with. For the wolves, well, they trusted the vampires as individuals, but not their species. They knew there were other bloodsuckers out there all too eager to wine and dine on humans. Their purpose shifted from destroying the Cullen name to destroying anything that wasn't a "vegetarian".

That's what we called ourselves, vegetarians. We did not drink human blood, and so we were safe from their scrutiny. Other vampires like us existed, though few and far between. It was always easy to tell one type from the other, and while the vampires accepted the darker side of their kin, the wolves meant only to protect the mortals, no matter the cost. So, while it was not a strong friendship, it was an understanding between them. I stood in the eye of the storm. Maybe I _was_ the storm.

Grandfather Cullen very carefully explained to the wolves how to determine the difference by way of the eyes. Blood-drinkers had red rims, while vegetarians held a golden tint. He felt it was an important conversation, because with so many strangers drifting in and out over the past years, he didn't want any unforeseen complications with the Quileute protectors. While the stand-off with the Volturi had passed with minimal consequences, there was no need to initiate another round. If the wolf pack started eating a bunch of vampires, it would certainly have grabbed their attention, inviting complications.

Most of their kind were solitary creatures, traveling in twos. Groupings were rare, and it sparked certain curiosities that my vampire family held so many unique talents all under one proverbial roof. Vampires travelled to our home with the intention of finding out what exactly had been powerful enough to stop the Volturi. The excess visitors had been a joy for the Cullen family, who were finally able to entertain guests. Grandfather got the opportunity to spread his ideas of vegetarianism. Alice got to decorate.

Rosalie even broke through her chilled shell a bit, finally able to embark on the life of a socialite. Still, her barrier never completely crumbled, and she sometimes left the house for months at a time, with Emmett in tow. This happened only when she became too comfortable with her current form, guilt-ridden for moving on from the past. She would take a sort of sabbatical before coming back, Emmett as jovial as she was icy upon return.

Rosalie and Emmett were suited, each complementing the other. She was selfish and hard to please, and he thrived on challenge. They were incredibly passionate about one another to the point it caused confusion. In one minute they were throwing each other across the lawn into trees, the force shaking through the forest. In the next minute they were sneaking off together privately, to release frustrations using alternate means. Their love was strong, and each needed the other.

She claimed she could never leave me. I took it at face value, knowing Rosalie always did what Rosalie wanted, and if she wanted to come back because of me she would have. I think she just didn't like being alone, with only Emmett to marvel over her beauty. Her ego craved feeding, and it wasn't hard to notice how accomplished she felt when people awed at her splendor. She did help me learn the importance of confidence, but I didn't take it overboard like her. Vanity wasn't something I learned from her, but then again, I never had to work to earn my appreciation either. People gravitated toward me, like I was the spinning core that held everything in place. I didn't like being the center of attention, having earned that trait from Mom. So it was an awkward position to be in.

"Happy Birthday Nessie," Leah whispered, as she moved back further into the trees, leaving me alone to celebrate a day reserved for me.

There was a silent moment, and then a rustling, before she phased back into the forest. Alone at the edge of the lawn, I really wished she would have at least walked me to the door. Had she stayed another few seconds, I would have begged her to come inside with me. She probably knew that, and that's why she bolted. Smart dog.

I really didn't want to face everyone; didn't know what they would say, what they would expect. The last seven years had led up to this one moment, the moment of my adulthood. What now? Would they fake cry, throw confetti, breathe a sigh of relief that I had finally made it so they could all stop worrying that it would happen?

The previous year was meant to mark this closure, but apparently I was a late bloomer. The advancement crept along slowly, not nearly as evident as in my first years of life, but progressing still. There was worry that my existence would be much shorter lived than anyone anticipated, and it caused everyone in my life to hover too closely; so close, in fact, that I was sure I would be smothered from the attention. Having personal boundaries was a luxury I went without. Based on his notes and experiments, Grandfather had calculated that this day, my birthday, would mark the end of my development. I'd never known him to be wrong.

Taking a deep breath, I was thankful Leah had walked with me. Had I been alone to stew in my thoughts, I would have never made it to the house. Annoying or not, Jacob had been right to send her, even if he was too drool-minded to realize she would come on her own. As an Alpha, his brain worked mechanically, full of tactical and revised plans. I was his back-up plan. If he couldn't figure out how to break the binding, he would settle for me. Well, I wasn't going to sit around and wait for that to happen.

That night, I would tell all of them. I wasn't sure where I would go, but it had to be somewhere far, far away. I needed some _me_ time without all the confusing connections. I needed to be somewhere without expectations, without my guilt or emotions making my decisions for me. I needed some freedom. They could no longer make me stay. Yet I was tethered by my love and inability to go against their wishes, because I wasn't capable of causing them that sort of pain. As a child, a minor, I felt an obligation to maintain my place and respect them as much as any rebellious teenager might respect their parents. While I was never a regular being, restricted by typical immaturity, I did look like a child. That would have created some difficult explanations I didn't want to have to make to strangers. As an adult, roles would shift. I could take my leave without so many lies required. I needed to start by being honest with my family, telling them how I felt. I needed to give them the honesty they had always given me.

By the time I realized how close I had come to the house, it was too late to shake away the thoughts. How stupid could I be? Every image in my mind was being shared for the last fifteen minutes, at least. Embarrassment washed over me, and I clenched my fists tightly at my sides. He would have been listening. He always listened. How incredibly moronic I'd been. Everyone in the house would know by now my plans. What would they say? Would they try to stop me? Would they agree with me?

Struggling with my emotions, I started up the steps. Maybe he'd kept quiet, because it's not like he enjoyed rifling around in my head, and he was very respectful about it. If I didn't want to talk about things, Dad would never mention them. If I didn't already _know_ he could pick through my brain, I wouldn't have been able to guess it.

Anxiously, I put my hand on the door and turned the knob. I was about to find out just how much information I had given away, and just how many people aside from Dad knew my plans_. Way to go Renesmee_, I thought to myself_. Score one for your first mature act_. Trying to avoid a counter-attack in my mind, I pushed open the door.

Tension nearly shut it back against me. Oh, they knew, without a doubt. The vampires present were sitting in their usual positions in the living room, trying to maintain composure. They were _too_ relaxed, _too_ controlled. Biting my lip, I surveyed the attendees, preparing myself for the onslaught of accusations and feelings of betrayal.

Emmett sat, eyes focused on the television screen. His left hand held the remote control, which he clicked rapidly, the channels shifting from one sporting event to another. His right hand twitched under Rosalie's strong grip. Surprisingly, the sound of breaking bones didn't echo through the silence. He was a trooper. He never even flinched. She dared to glimpse in my direction, and quickly shifted her eyes when she found the answer she was seeking. What she had heard was true. It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize I was edgy.

Grandfather and Grandmother stood at once, forcing smiles onto their quivering lips. Neither spoke. She opened her mouth once, to speak, but nothing would come out. He draped his arm around her shoulder, in a gesture of compassion, understanding. I was pretty sure Rosalie was burning a hole through their backs, looking through them to me, and I was glad their forms were blocking her line of sight.

Sighing lightly, I noticed Seth Clearwater at a table prepared, helping himself to refreshments that were meant only for him. He was the youngest in Jacob's pack and the friendliest. He was Leah's little brother, which sort of made him my brother too. It didn't bother him in the slightest to surround himself with stinking bloodsuckers. We were his friends, just as much as anyone else. He was like a little vampire mascot. He was obviously oblivious to what had just transpired moments before my arrival. Good, I needed some back up. Blissful ignorance wasn't much of a help, but it would have to do for now. As I turned to move in his direction, I could feel eight eyes beating into my back, unable to say a single thing to me. They didn't have to _say_ anything. I could pretty easily pick up that it wasn't going to be an easy night, but I had come, right? That had to count for something.

Alice broke the silence first, skipping in from the back door, a strained smile plastered on her lips.

"Ness...Renesmee, you look amazing," she said, instantly correcting herself.

The words were upbeat and whimsical as always, but her voice was somewhat forced. I cautiously smiled back, and she moved forward to kiss me once on each cheek. There was no gentle hug, no excited commentary about her approval of my attire. The greeting was very un-Alice-like.

For the first time, I looked around the room, and noticed how much effort she had put into subtly decorating for the night. Several vases were filled with flowers in varying shades of blue, as though she knew what I would wear. Hyacinths, Hydrangea, and Delphiniums perfumed the vicinity with their floral scent. Veronica laced all free surfaces. From behind her back, Alice pulled out a bracelet meant for me, made from Forget-Me-Nots. My smile wavered as she slipped it casually over my wrist.

A warm sensation flooded my body, and I was glad he had arrived before the tears spilled over the corners of my eyes. Jasper had a way of calming people, adjusting their emotions to be more manageable. His gift was warm and welcomed, as he shifted the tense atmosphere in the room into something more breathable. The stiffness was released, and while I knew it didn't change the coming hours, it was nice to be given the chance to explain my side of things, to defend myself. I didn't expect anyone to turn on Dad. I just wanted a chance to be heard through a voice I rarely used. If that didn't work, I wanted to be given the chance to let them _see_ things from my perspective. That would make things easier for them. I would try words first, because my sight was far too persuasive. I wanted them to accept things without having to cheat my way to my ultimate goal.

Of all my vampire family, Jasper had the easiest time dealing with my temper-tantrums. In fact, it was a bonding experience to know that he was not the only one whose transition had been difficult. When Mom had been turned, her first few years were supposed to be a very trying period, full of rampages and emotional outbursts. An old soul in mortality, when she became a vampire, that old soul made the transition with her. She was nothing like what a newborn should have been, which was incredibly difficult for Jasper to accept. He wasn't the baby anymore, and yet a newborn had more restraint than him. It was a very humbling experience and exceptionally hard to bear.

When my personality started to shine through, in less than appropriate ways, Jasper formed a bond with me, an understanding and acceptance. He stopped feeling so inadequate and regained more of his former self-esteem. He was needed, and his empathic gift was very useful. Most of the time he was able to talk things through with me, listening to my concerns and calmly showing me another side, another way. Of course, there were times when I was beyond reason and he cheated, using his power to break through my bad mood, my fit. It pleased him to be of such a valid and necessary service. It pleased me that he cared enough to want to help, especially when I was so often out of line.

They all played roles in my life: Jasper my counselor, Alice my inspiration, Emmett my bodyguard, Rosalie my confidence, Grandfather and Grandmother my educators. Each member of my vampire family held a specific and unique place in helping me reach adulthood. The logical course forward was for me to find my place, my goals. I couldn't do that when I was so swept up in everything they already were to me. I couldn't find _my_ way unless I stopped seeking direction from the people around me. I couldn't tag along anymore; I couldn't be content with only that. While the future was an unknown, it held too many possibilities to let them slide by because I was too scared to seek them out.

When I felt myself getting worked up again, nerves shooting through the calm, another flood of warmth washed through me.

When _he_ walked in, the idle chatter that passed between the guests stopped. _She_ walked beside him, anger flickering in her golden eyes. Swallowing hard, I forced a smile across my lips. They were a menacing pair, beautiful beyond belief. Mom wore her emotion like a badge, lips lifting to snarl at me. Dad was more cryptic. I couldn't tell whether he was angry at me, or whether he was about to have an emotional breakdown. Their steps came in what looked to me like slow motion, and I contemplated backing toward the door and making a run for it.

Just when I thought Jasper couldn't do more than he was already doing, he came to stand beside me, gently taking my hand in his. Alice mimicked his movement on my left side, and I wondered, with them holding my weight, how I had managed to stand on my own two feet before that. Were they protecting me or providing me moral support? Did they really think I would be physically attacked? Maybe they were making sure I couldn't escape.

Cringing, I watched the pained look in Dad's eyes, and realized the blow had been low. They would never hurt me, whether I deserved it or not. If I was going to prove to them I was ready to be on my own, standing there cowering was not the way to do it. Flanked by two people that I loved gave me strength enough to realize I needed to solidify my wobbly knees and meet their approach.

Taking a step forward, the hands on either side of mine released their steadying grip, and I met my parents as an equal. Whatever they wanted to say, I was ready for the rebuttal. However they wanted to argue their case, I would diplomatically counter with mine. Regardless of any unforeseen emotion, I would be compassionate, yet firm. They wouldn't make me stay, I knew that. I could see it in Mom's instantaneous mood swing, the way her lips moved from a snarl to a quiver as my parents stopped to stand in front of me. The three of us realized it wasn't their allowance I was looking for, it was their blessing.

"Happy _eighteenth_ birthday, Renesmee," said Dad in a voice smooth as velvet.

Although in literal terms it had only been seven years, this was one of my attendance conditions. His voice never wavered, never showed any sign of hidden emotions. Maybe he'd given up quicker than I hoped. Maybe this evening could be one of celebration after all, a pleasant goodbye without the theatrics. He flinched a bit, and I knew I wasn't getting off that easily.

"Thank you Father," I replied curtly. "It felt like it took me forever to get here."

"Not nearly long enough," Mom retorted. "I hope you enjoyed your day."

She wished she could have spent it with me, knowing at that moment the consequences of my desire for solitude. Mom had never wanted to age past eighteen. It was bad enough she was one theoretical year older than Dad, but she never meant to go beyond that. I was in between them, as though fate had a sense of humor.

"It allowed for necessary reflection," I replied cautiously, carefully choosing my words.

Just because Mom was no longer capable of beating Emmett in an arm-wrestling contest did not mean she didn't have the power to break me in two in the blink of an eye. Even stronger than her physical form was her advice. Her words were always logical, sifting through confusion and pulling out the very fragments that would make me second guess my decisions. I could not let that type of manipulation occur. This was far too important. No short term contentment could sway me.

"Oh?" she asked, feigning surprise. "Please tell me, if you don't mind, what decisions you have come to in your newfound adulthood?"

Dad shifted a bit, uncomfortable about the way the conversation was going. He had hoped we could experience some pleasantries before moving right to the point. The presents would have to wait. He sought my face in confirmation to what my mind was telling him, and I saw the line of his jaw flex strongly. I imagined his teeth breaking into a million tiny pieces. He unclenched his jaw at that.

"You know already," I grumbled. "_He_ didn't let me explain myself before telling you."

He remained silent. In fact, everyone had grown silent. Even Seth had stopped his chewing, standing in the kitchen with his mouth partly open. Aware of the audience, Dad smiled lightly, trying to minimize the spectacle I was about to make of myself. A million voices would have been raging through his head, but he hid it very well.

"Perhaps we should take this conversation to a more private venue, Renesmee," he suggested, hand gesturing toward the front door.

"Why?" I asked defiantly, my voice raising a decibel level. "This conversation affects everyone here. You'll just go off and tell them everything that happens anyway. They might as well get a first-hand account!"

I felt the warmth again, a surge more forceful than the previous two times he initiated the flow through me. Turning to face Jasper, I shook my head in protest. He nodded once and the pull lifted, but I knew he wouldn't be far in case things got out of hand, as they had a tendency to do with me. Folding my arms across my chest, I prepared for the onslaught of arguments, for the bribes and threats. The pleading would come last, and while I knew it would be the most difficult to pass, it would be the final stage before acceptance. This is what I assumed would happen.

When Mom opened her mouth to speak again, Dad interrupted by taking her hand and pulling it to his lips. She never could maintain focus when he touched her. Their love was an endless love, stronger than any desire, any craving that existed. There could not be one without the other, no need greater than being together. So, they would still have each other, even if I slipped from the triangle for a while. Maybe it wouldn't take an argument. Maybe a decision was already made, and they were preparing for acceptance all along, knowing it was inevitable. It wasn't a permanent goodbye. It was only a short time, and they had forever. I was foolish to worry over telling them. It was going to be fine. Sighing in relief, I felt the knots slowly work their way out of my stomach.

"You misunderstand," Dad quickly countered. "You won't have our blessing."

My head tilted to the side a bit, confused. Fear shifted to relief shifted to confusion. How could I not have their blessing? What more was there to argue? He didn't say _don't_. He said _won't_, meaning _never_. Could he not see my side? Did he not know how incredibly important this was to everyone?

"You're not ready," he argued.

It was hard enough having the conversation in front of everyone, while no one bothered to throw in their two cents. It was incredibly more difficult to have a one-sided conversation, where he was the only one speaking. He was speaking and not listening. What good did it do to invade my head if he wasn't even going to really hear what I was saying, what I was feeling?

"I was born ready," I spat at him.

Yes, I was born with an advanced mind, fully developed, and my body had spent the last few years trying desperately to catch up. It had caught up. While I admitted openly that body and mind had some meshing to do, that was the whole point of this detachment. I needed to remove myself from my surroundings so that I could be whole. I couldn't spend any more of my life fighting between the human side and the vampire side. It was tearing me apart at the seams. I had to figure out who I wanted to be, _what_ I wanted to be. Was it really so hard to accept? Was it really so hard to look back and realize it wasn't their blessing to give? Yet, I asked for it. I needed it to move forward with a clean conscience.

I felt my temperature rise another degree, and was ready to raise my voice again, when he calmly repeated, "You will not have our blessing."

I growled, and I heard Seth whimper from the kitchen, rushing toward the back door.

"That's right!" I yelled after him. "Go run to your Jacob. You'll be disappointed to find out he could care less whether I stay or go!"

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen!" Mom snapped in a completely parental tone.

"You cannot _make_ me stay here."

Keeping a firm grip on Mom's hand, Dad stood his ground, countering coolly, "No one is making you stay, Renesmee. You are an adult now. The choice is yours."

He pulled this same garbage on Mom when she wanted to become a vampire. He claimed it to be a compromise, but it wasn't. Really, it was his way of controlling everything around him. Feeling my body begin to shake lightly, he was hitting all the right nerves. I wanted to show him why I had to do this. I wanted to show him why I could not continue to exist without this chance, and I couldn't go without their blessing. He knew that and was using it against me.

_GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_

Dad flinched a bit. Mom was looking at him now, reading his reactions from my lack of words. She gasped, her golden eyes flitting back and forth between us. She didn't want to interrupt.

"You _will_ give me your blessing!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, my voice nearly in hysterics now.

I wasn't prepared to be the one losing control of myself. I wanted to handle the altercation in a dignified fashion and had been prepared to sooth and coddle my parents when they gave in to me, as they always did. I wasn't prepared to threaten and demand, as I supposedly had outgrown childish acts. And it wasn't my fault that the idea had only now presented itself.

_You leave me no choice._

"Or…" I hissed. "it will be as though I _never existed_."

Mom shuddered at his side; she'd heard those same daring words before. The others began to whisper in hushed, shocked tones, contemplating my meaning. Even though I was controlled by a pure sense of rage, I wouldn't hurt her more than that one sentence, but my father needed to hear the rest.

_I have tried to explain to you why you need to let me leave, and you refuse to listen. You've made your choice. Now, I will make mine. I won't show you thoughts you can already see. What I will tell you is that what can be given, can be taken away. If I can put my thoughts into _your_ head, into _their_ heads, I can take them out too. Don't make me._

My father fell silent. He would need some time to think about what I had said to him, and it was something I knew he wouldn't be repeating anytime soon. I had cut him to the bone. He would need some time to weigh out the possibilities, to decide whether the threat was idle or not. Could I really take away memories? Could I alter someone's thought process to that degree? I wasn't sure, and neither was he, but if there was a fraction of a chance, it was too much to risk.

Jasper and Alice weren't looking at me when I strode past them toward the door; no one was. They were all looking at Dad, and how his heart, if it could beat, would have exploded from his chest and impaled every vampire in the room. His mouth was slack, and his mind had fallen some place beyond death, into a thick, black pit of despair. The victory seemed shallow, but it was a victory, none the less. They wouldn't have a choice now. They would give me their blessing, all of them; because being without me for a while was a far lesser pain than never knowing I existed.


	3. Gears Shifting Forward

**Chapter 3 – Gears Shifting Forward **

My journey back to the cottage came with a pace similar to speed-walkers on steroids. I knelt down and ripped the shoes from my feet, driving the heels into a poor, unsuspecting tree along my path. The laces drifted in the breeze, tiny hands reaching out desperately for assistance. I was too swept up in my anger to feel badly for the Pine; almost glad whenever _they_ decided to come home, they would pass by it. Maybe they wouldn't come. Maybe they would leave me alone to sulk or calm down, while the entire household determined whether or not my threats were idle. Were they idle? Could I do this unimaginable thing? Would I follow through with it if I could?

This potentiality was as fresh to me as it was to them. I was thankful for that. There were a lot of things I would need to work out in my mind about my new talent, before I would legitimately use it as a weapon. Had Dad theorized it previously, he would have been prepared for the argument, found a way to dissuade me from my line of reasoning. He didn't always fight fair when it came to getting what he wanted. So why should I? Why should I limit myself to only seemingly delicate avenues of persuasion? They were forgetting a key point, an indisputable fact. It was _my_ life. So yes, I would fight for it, and if I had to fight dirty to win, did I have any other choice?

Some testing was required to determine how this new possibility could be used, and no one would willingly come within gripping distance of me. My family wouldn't be sure either, for the first time unable to trust what I could show them, too afraid of what I could take away. Good. They needed a healthy dose of fear. They had spent far too long being complacent and assuming that my hopes and dreams would be fulfilled in living vicariously through them. Maybe _their_ peace was _my_ peace, but I needed the chance to explore that, to come to terms with it _away_ from them.

Maybe I needed to expand my options. My family extended beyond the vampires. I could try it on Grandpa or Sue, Leah or Seth, or on a complete stranger. It didn't have to be someone who suspected me.

A stranger would be the trickiest candidate. Secrecy was foremost. If I was unsuccessful, I would have to kill someone. That didn't sit well with my stomach. I wasn't a killer, and regardless of the strength of my desires, I wouldn't allow temptation to change my basic principles.

Grandfather wasn't the only one capable of science experiments. I planned to try one of my own. What harm could it do, removing something small, something insignificant? I would weigh out each prospect, and test things out. Then, it would no longer be a threat; it would be a promise. They would _have_ to listen to me then.

I wouldn't run away. That would be pointless. There was no way they were going to let me out of their sight for long. After they worked out their ideas, Grandfather guiding them to conclusions, they would be watching me like a wildcat, ready to pounce at the first sign of distress. There would be no disappearing. With someone stalking me, I would never be truly free to experience things in the way I needed to for emotional growth.

If I couldn't be alone, I wanted someone at my side, as opposed to spying on me. Who would I choose as a companion? A vampire? A wolf? The thought of it seemed to fit into something of a compromise. While I preferred to move forward by myself, having someone with me might not be completely horrific.

Frowning, I saw the cottage coming into view. No, I didn't want to hurt them. I loved them all too much to truly want to hurt them, no matter how annoyed I was in not having gotten my way. That trait came from Dad, but like him, I would find a way to get what I wanted. There had to be some alternatives available, something we all could live with. Once I was thinking more clearly and able to displace myself from my emotions, I would figure it all out.

This battle wasn't as over as I initially thought. I had won round one, but there were more rounds coming and I needed to be prepared. I was stubborn enough to want their acceptance. While I didn't want to give it much more time, I would allow them a grace period to come to terms with things. They were vampires and the general concept of time to them was skewed. I was already restless and ready to embark on this new exploration. I would give them a week, not a day longer. If it was not settled by then, I would go without their blessing. If they shifted their tactics, I wasn't completely weighing out the option to erase myself from their existence. I didn't want that any more than they did, but I couldn't stay either, and not find the coveted amity I so gravely needed.

_His_ scent attacked my nostrils when I reached the door, and I felt my already accelerated heart rate picking up its pace. His smell was always present in the woods around my cottage, and sometimes by my window. It hadn't been as close as my doorstep for years, and never in human form. No one around me seemed to note the slight difference in his aroma from the wolf to the man. I did. His human form had a slightly more sea perfume, rocking me like an ocean voyage. My fingers ripped at the door handle, but not in anger, as it might have moments before. The abrupt movement came from anticipation.

Shifting swiftly through the house, without bothering to flick on the lights, I moved to my room. The fragrance was the most potent there. My thudding heart rate skidded to a halt when I found the room empty. Of course, he wasn't there. Why would he be? His scent remained, mixed now with the accent of oak and stain. Flipping on the light, I found my mouth dropping lightly at what he had left me.

On my present was a note, folded with care. This oak chair fit my current form, and would replace the childhood stool he had crafted with love years before, the one I had outgrown. I let my hands trail along the contours of the wood, caressing the wolves that danced along the surface. Along the back was my name, etched with the same careful chiseling as the images. Renesmee. I had never seen anything more beautiful, and knew the time invested in this was far more substantial than simple, hobby whittling. It marked an understanding, a shift from child to adult.

Sitting in the chair, I opened the note. The crease in the paper matched the line forming between my brows.

_Dear Renesmee,_

_I hope you like this gift.  
Can I talk to you before you go?_

Jacob

I sat numbly for a while, looking at the paper. I must have read it twenty times, before deciding what it meant. The gift was extraordinary, and obviously it had taken him a great deal of time and patience. The latter for him would have been the hardest.

He'd started the letter with my name, the same name he'd carved into the chair, not the pet name he knew me by. Accepting my adulthood would have been hard for him. It surprised me that he had realized how important this passage was for me. Had my parents interfered? Was he keeping tabs on me like that? He hadn't been in the house. I would have smelled that. So they must have gone to him. Was it really necessary to do all that sneaking around?

I would see Mom sighing sometimes, staring out the window as if she wished he would come by for a visit. He never came. What I had done, what I had tried to force on Jacob, had hurt my mother too. I felt the pain of that creeping into my chest. It hurt a lot worse to see her in pain than my own rejection had. Absence was the only solution, though it never truly benefited anyone. Dad was secretly hopeful; his thoughts finally aligning with Jacob's, wishing the distance would absolve the imprinting bond. Was that a benefit though? It seemed more like a tragedy.

The second line was something easier for me to comprehend. He truly did hope I liked the chair, because I knew my opinion was incredibly valuable to him. He wanted to please me. I knew that, however, it didn't change the fact that I couldn't please him.

He wanted to talk to me before I left. That very sentence should have had me doing giddy cartwheels across my stone floor. It didn't. He didn't say he wanted to talk me out of departing. He acknowledged I was leaving. He wanted to say good-bye. Leave it to Jacob to be the only person in my entire family to accept this, to not fight me. Why would he? This was too perfect for him. It gave him an out that was too appealing to overlook. He was the one person I wanted to beg me to stay, the only person I would have stayed for.

Crumpling the paper in my fist, I drew my hand to my chest and let the pain grow. Each beat of my heart became a dagger that stabbed through me. I visualized each breath affecting my lungs, not willing to lose myself in hyperventilate despair. The shearing cuts worked their way through my stomach all the way to my toes, and the fresh sting of rejection had me remembering the first time he hadn't wanted me. I couldn't have been prepared to know that the second time would be equally as painful. The ache kept me from falling freely into the same death pit I'd thrown my father into; the sting arched out into the darkness and pulled me back to reality.

After a few minutes, I un-crumpled the paper and moved it to the vanity counter. My penmanship was shaky, but I didn't really care. It had to be done quickly, because I didn't have the strength to maintain stability much longer. I was about to frenzy. While there is obvious power in prevention, there is also power in knowing when something cannot be prevented. I could feel my breathing pick back up, and I wanted to be in my bed when I worked myself up to the point of passing out.

_Jacob,_

_The chair is great.  
I have nothing to say to you._

Sincerely,  
Renesmee

I folded the paper, forming it into an airplane. I knew he would come back to read my response. I didn't have the strength to push him away if he didn't take no for an answer. I had to get it away from me, but he had to be able to find it too. I rubbed the airplane across my hair, an unneeded attention to detail. Opening the window, I heaved it as far as I could throw it, impressed when it drifted out of view into the forest surrounding the cottage. A safe distance from me.

Leaning on the sill, I took a deep breath of the fresh air. The pressure from my center seemed to spread out with each heartbeat, electrical currents surging through my bloodstream with enough force to have me digging my fingers into the wood. The sense of pressure lifted from my chest and moved its way into my throat. The daggers turned into fire, and I caught the scent of something more appealing than my anger or sadness. I jerked myself through the window and followed the hypnotic smell.

I was only a mile into the woods when I was thankful to see the dog, a giant Italian Mastiff. Its pitch black coloring matched the night. The hair on its back lifted, a growl bubbling up from its throat. While this was not the scent that drew me toward the hunt, it would have to do. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it would help me gather enough control to remove myself before I did something reckless. In truth, had my emotions been steady, it wouldn't even have been a struggle. I couldn't stop myself from the pull of the human blood that drifted tauntingly toward me from my window.

As the dog growled lowly, I considered the irony of this _thing_ thinking it might have a chance against me. I didn't want to take any more time than necessary and lunged at the creature. There was a low yelping that quickly faded, and the only sound remaining was the slight sucking noise coming from between my lips as I drained it.

Relief was instant, and I moved my hand to wipe along my mouth, standing to survey the damage. What I had missed in my rush for satiation was the man, who stood frozen about twelve feet behind me. I turned, and his eyes grew wider, seeming to glow in the moonlight from all the exposed white. He was paralyzed, unable to move from the cement placing of the ground under his feet. The look of horror shook me, and I quickly tried to think of what needed to happen to revoke this threat I had put on my family. It was his blood that had drawn me here, the sweet smell of paradise that would cool the burn in my throat.

I couldn't move toward him, my feet afflicted by the same strong cement that held his. There was no time to test theories. I had two choices. Either I had to try to use my gift to remove the memory, or I would have to kill him. I wouldn't allow my thoughtless act to harm my family. They had worked too hard to mask their presence to have me ruining everything. Fighting through the clouds of doubt in my mind, I moved toward the man.

For an instant, I wondered if it would be easier to simply end his life, easier than what I was about to try to do. Excuses ran through my head as I tried to figure out how I would explain what I had done to him to my family. There was nothing that could justify it. They would come soon to witness the aftermath of my actions. Alice wouldn't be able to see my path, but surely she would see the man, and what would come of us if I allowed him to leave.

Continuing toward him, I let my voice flow like a soothing song, Mom's lullaby composed by Dad. The stranger's body was shaking violently, and a surge of pity washed through me. I wanted, needed, to strip this from him. Tentatively, I placed my stone palms on either side of his face. I could easily take my hands and shift them, snapping his neck with little effort. A hiking accident. He tripped over some unseen rock in the dark. Poor soul lost his dog, and was searching for it in the middle of the night. A tragedy. No, this didn't need to have that sort of ending. I could fix this.

I let my gift work into him, watching the man's eyes grow wider still. His heart was beating almost as quickly as mine. Once the visions worked their way into his brain, a slight confusion clouded his sight. I used the opening I'd placed there to slowly pull what I could from his mind. I worked through the act in reverse, not sure how long he had been watching before I noticed him. I played it all backward, like the memory was on rewind. I felt his body ease a bit, the shaking gradually slowing until it stopped completely.

For a moment, I could almost imagine what it felt like for my Dad to invade someone's thoughts, to bring them into his own mind. While he heard merely words, the images I saw were enough to truly frighten me. I saw his view of what he witnessed, the monster hovering over his beloved pet, and the feeling of loss that came instantly. I saw another emotion – fear - and looking at myself from his eyes, I could see how terrifying I was to him.

The further back I rewound, the harder it was to stop. I started to see the time before I was there, the dog breaking free of the tie and running into the forest, the man chasing after him through the darkness, stumbling more than once. I had to find the strength in myself to release him, knowing I was taking away more than necessarily. I was completely compelled to continue watching this bizarre show.

It was the sound of the shifting forest that broke my concentration, and I let go. He fell to his knees, a look of bemusement and wonder glazing over his eyes. In their reflection, I saw the vampires moving to form a half circle behind us. Behind them were the wolves, pacing back and forth nervously.

"Renesmee?" Mom whispered quietly, too low for the human to hear.

It was a question. She wanted to know what happened, and I would certainly give them the full recount once we were away from this place. Before we could leave though, I needed to know whether I was successful. There were two people who could give me assurance, one who could look beyond the now, into the future.

"Alice?" I asked sheepishly.

"He won't remember," she replied numbly. "I don't understand it. He doesn't remember a thing, or that he even had a dog in the first place."

The wolves took this at face value and padded off into the forest. I sighed momentarily, relief filling me. As I backed away from the man, who was speaking gibberish at my feet, I felt the opposite of an adrenaline rush. A wave of exhaustion spread through my form so forcefully that I had no time fight it. I fell forward not seeing who it was that caught me. I felt the rocking waves of the absence of thought. As though I was in a deprivation chamber, _nothing_ surrounded me. Soon, the movement stopped all together, and I remember having only enough power in me to wonder one thing. Was I dead?

**#**

I woke to a bright light beating through the window onto my bed. It felt like lasers where it touched my skin. My legs recoiled and grumbled lowly. It felt as though I had experienced the most vivid dream of my life, replaying each event with accuracy. My cognizance wouldn't let me miss one piece of the vital knowledge I had gained. While embarrassed by what had happened, it had proved to be an important educational marker that everyone witnessed. So it seemed I could definitely remove memories. That was no longer a question. There were obviously a few bugs to be worked out, like being able to stop once I started. This self-control would be easier with practice.

I heard voices coming from the living room. I tried to remain very still, as though my breathing and thoughts hadn't already alerted them to my waking. Their words immediately became muffled, impossible to decipher. I tried, none the less, knowing the events would cause an emotional response for everyone who viewed them. If they affected _me_ so strongly, from an outside view it would have been even more powerful, more perplexing. I wanted to have some insight as to what I was walking into when I left my room. So, I waited.

There were only three voices; Dad, Mom, and Alice. Where there was Alice, there would also be Jasper, but he wasn't saying anything.

The level of the sun showed mid-morning, which would mean I didn't sleep my normal twelve hours. I might have been right about the diminished sleep requirements, and this pleased me almost as much as the realization about my gift.

"No," Dad answered sternly.

His voice was instantly hushed, and I could hear soothing hands stroking his back. My mother's voice was the quietest, as though she was listening very intently to what was being explained to her, responding only as necessary. Alice was the one doing most of the talking.

"It's the only way," she said several times.

I found it funny that she felt the need to repeat it over and over, but was grateful. Each time she said it, she became more persistent. With each repetition, her voice moved up a decibel, an octave higher. Whatever she was explaining was something she had seen with clarity, and her visions were rarely questioned.

"Your visions are subjective," Dad retorted.

Of course, Dad would argue with her. He would be the only one, and only because whatever she was trying to get him to understand was not something he was willing or ready to accept. I thought about charging out of my room and confronting them. They were speaking about me, after all. Shouldn't I at least be involved in the altercation? What had she _seen_ that I missed?

"This...new talent," Jasper finally spoke. "It requires some examination."

I decided against joining them, because whatever was happening out there, I was pretty certain Alice was doing the persuading for me, and her words would bear more weight than mine. So, I sat for a while longer, straining to hear anything more than whispers that were meant to be words. I tried to imagine what Alice could have possibly seen to have her side changed so swiftly to mine. Was it because of my actions the previous night? How could that simple thing affect this decision? Certainly, I had confused her, but that confusion would not be enough to have things shifting so much in my favor.

"Is there no other way?" Dad asked finally, pleading.

"We don't have time for another way," Mom said, her voice soothing.

Dad knew exactly which parts of the conversation I had picked out, and was satisfied with what had been omitted.

He spoke, his tone a normal human level, meant for me, "Please join us, won't you? Apparently, we need to discuss a few things about your trip."

My trip? My trip! I jumped from the bed, running quickly to my closet, replacing the oversized t-shirt with a pair of faded jeans and a tank top. I nearly skipped through the door, and if not for the distress of eight devastated eyes focused on my elated form, I would have burst from my pleasure. My smile slid off my face. Of course, this would not please them as it did me, and I didn't want to rub my victory in their faces. That was rude and childish. Gaining composure, I moved to sit on the arm of the couch, next to Mom. I wanted her to be my shield for a little longer. The look on Dad's face was a cross between hysteria and repulsion.

I felt Mom's arm slide around my waist as we prepared to hear what he had to say. It mattered little at that point. I knew there would be stipulations, and I would follow all the rules, because it would still mean my freedom. I felt the swell of elation bubble up again and quickly curbed it. I gave Jasper a pleading look, and he understood immediately. I felt the warm calm flow through me, and wondered how many times he'd had to stifle someone's happiness in the past.

"After some careful consideration," Dad began, forcing the words out in a level tone. "Your mother and I would like to give you our blessing to have a _vacation_."

He stumbled on the last word, but it didn't matter. He'd given me the blessing I so craved and desired to make this departure an easy one. I knew I would be able to come back now, whenever I was ready. I no longer needed to worry about my actions having ruined their lives, or ruining their love for me. Things would be normal when I returned. _ If_ I returned.

He shuddered at the last part, but didn't mention it as he continued, "It will take about a week to get all the documentation in order."

Of course, there were legalities I had overlooked. I would need papers and secured materials before I could leave. Would I be leaving the country? I didn't think they would allow me to roam so far away, and a new surge of excitement whipped through me. Jasper worked his magic and curbed it. How clever of Alice to bring him. Dad passed a glance his way, a silent thank you.

"You will journey to the Amazon," Dad continued, trying not to say, _You will be placed in the ward of the Amazons. "_Zafrina will be ecstatic to see you again."

This was an acceptable idea, and I had to admit, if I were to choose, I might well have chosen the Amazons too. Zafrina had delighted me in my early stages of life with her talent of placing visions in other's mind, rather illusions. She was the perfect opportunity for me to see many different destinations. I would be protected, which would ease the worry of my family. The Amazon location itself would provide enough excitement to _almost_ be dangerous. It was a flawless compromise. I felt the gears of my life slowly shifting forward and knew this was the best choice.

Almost like he was talking himself into it as he spoke, some of the strain moved out of Dad's voice. "Is this acceptable to you?"

He knew my answer instantly, the moment he began speaking. It was a dream come true and delighted me in a way that not even Jasper could contain. My enthusiasm was so powerful that the others started to feel it too, a contagion. I knew the tides had turned, and the anger had subsided. Smiles and chatter started and were instantly curbed by the stipulation I'd nearly forgotten was coming. No one had yet dared speak a word about the new ability I had shown them. It would need to be discussed.

"The stipulation," Dad began. "Is that you won't use your new _talent_ as part of your growing process."

I sighed lightly, almost embarrassed. Did he not realize I no longer needed to wave that threat in the air at them? The only reason I had considered using it in the first place was to get them to change their minds, to give me their blessing. I didn't need that threat/promise any longer. And still, I could see why he would need to bring it up. It was an appealing idea to experiment with it further and test the limits, like a shiny new toy.

Frowning slightly, I weighed the options in my mind, and decided my independence was more important than the gift that would still be there at the end of my crossroads.

"I won't test my abilities where it is not safe," I promised.

Reading my words, Dad narrowed his eyes. He was too smart for his own good. I couldn't trick him.

"I won't test my abilities outside of Forks?" I promised again, a question more than a statement.

That wasn't working either. He knew too much, and it annoyed me thoroughly. This battle of the wits could take all day, and already the others were growing bored. Alice had an anticipatory look on her face, like she was ready to jump out of her seat to show me something important.

Mom saved us all by wording things in a way even Dad couldn't disagree with, "How about you promise to never use the power experimentally at all, reserving it only when lives are at stake?"

She knew last night there was no alternative to my actions. Though I had not explained the situation to any of them, the intentions and purpose were clear in the evidence surrounding the scene. So there might be times when I would be required to use my new gift, but only for preservation. I could live with that. I wanted to do good things, and they were right that my ability had something of a dangerous edge to it. Affecting someone in such a strong way would alter their life, and I had no right to make such a decision if I could help it.

"I promise," I replied, knowing my words were true and accepted by my family surrounding me.

The chatter began again, and Alice could barely contain her excitement. She was dying to reveal the part of my birthday gift that had been forgotten in the wake of the events the previous evening. The only one who was unbearably silent was my father, who sat alone in his Victorian high-back chair. He folded his arms in a defensive pose, and I knew he had not forgotten, nor had he forgiven, what I threatened I would do to him.

Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me out the door for a post-celebration, pre-departure, gift-opening ceremony. It surprised me that she was strong enough to break the intense stare between Dad and me. He followed my abandonment with his eyes, unwilling to move from the spot, as though he might very well turn into a stone statue there forever, petrified.


	4. Never Far From the Heart

**Chapter 4 – Never Far From the Heart **

I realized by the force with which Alice yanked me through the forest that I'd missed the best part of the celebration. While I wasn't overly thrilled by presents, I accepted them with much more grace than Mom. Would anything compare to what Jacob had made for me?

When we came barreling through the door, everyone was in the same position, but the atmosphere was different. There was no interruptive television. Most importantly, the strain was gone, and I felt a new wave of relief wash over me. This was how we were _meant_ to celebrate the day.

Grandfather and Grandmother stood once more, another replay. Their smiles were genuine. I moved to the center of the room, conceding to let the light shine on me for long enough to enjoy the moment.

"Ours first!" Alice squealed.

"This is from Alice, Rosalie, and me," Grandmother stated, producing a shiny, wrapped package neatly adorned with ribbon.

Rosalie came to stand beside them, watching wide-eyed as I carefully unwrapped the gift in an effort to prolong the moment. I was sure that if vampires could sweat, a pool of nerves would have puddled beneath the three of them. Inside was a heavy book, words scribed into the leather: _A Journey._ I passed them each an appreciative glance. When I opened the cover, I nearly dropped the precious treasure. A new emotion built up in my chest.

Inside and throughout were pictures, thousands of them. My first words. My first steps. Each had a comment below them, describing with vivid detail each moment that sang out in my mind. While my memories were flawless, having the visions put into pictures was an indescribable joy. I could see things from a different angle, how they looked to those looking at me, and I felt the tears form in my eyes.

I sat down on the floor, to see the contents more easily. If anyone minded me taking my time to run through the pages, they never showed any sign of it. I sat there, reflecting on the time from my birth until my coming of age. They had stretched it out, permanently immortalizing my presence. No longer did it seem like such a short period, but instead showcased a lifetime of growth, joy, love, and laughter.

Standing, I pulled Alice, Rosalie, and Grandmother together in an embrace, happy tears freely flowing. I was crying the tears they could not, the liquid trailing from my cheeks onto theirs.

"I love it!" I exclaimed. "I have no words that could possibly thank you enough."

"You are more than welcome," Grandmother replied softly. "These are our memories too, the only way we could think of to thank you for...well, for _being_."

The very air seemed to hum with sadness. Grandmother was the heart of the family, and I sometimes wondered, if it were not for her presence, would there be so much love in the household? In understanding her role, I then realized that leaving my family would be harder than I had imagined. I hoped that with their support I would be able to discover what my role in their lives was, and how my ties connected to them and not through them. It didn't mean they _or I_ couldn't be sad about the coming venture. My absence would have them welcoming me back with open arms, and me running freely into, instead of away from, them.

I chanced a glance around the room. One face was missing, and the unhappy line formed again between my brows. Alerted to my concern, Grandfather stepped forward with his gift for me, a ploy at distraction that worked. He smiled a dashing smile, and I opened the box carefully. Inside was a collection of hand-bound notebooks, the leather's smell wafting through my nostrils in a most pleasant way.

"A way to mark your discoveries," Grandfather noted proudly.

It was more than a simple means by which to express my thoughts. He intended the journals to be a way of cataloguing my existence, chronicles to continue where he left off. It was incredibly thoughtful and important, and I hoped I would not disappoint him. His faith in my ability to accurately write the journals touched me again. I felt a wave of fresh tears welling up.

Placing the journals beside my album, I reached to squeeze him, whispering, "I _will_ make you proud. Thank you for your faith in me."

"Alright," Emmett interrupted. "It's too full of girlish emotion here. Jazz, hurry up, man. You're next in line."

Jasper appeared with a small envelope in hand, coming to stand in front of me. His brow was lifted in a playful way, as though his gift would lead to something more than what the mere paper held.

I gave a brief look around the room again, and frowned a bit when I noticed _he_ was still missing. I felt the warm calming swell flow through me, and I directed my attention back to Jasper. He stood still, the envelope extended for me to take. I did not hesitate to open it, distracted once again. Inside was a plastic card, and I picked it up to investigate more thoroughly. It was my very own driver's license. I was stoked and jumped up and down with excitement. He grinned a bit then, feeding off the joy I was sending in his direction.

"Woohoo," I chanted. "Who loves me enough to let me try out their car?"

There was a uniform silence in the room, and my enthusiasm ebbed. No one wanted me to take theirs for a trial run. Fair enough. I would wait until we were finished with the presentations to make one of them cave. One of them _had_ to give in. Looking around, I considered who the likely victim might be. Who looked the most nervous? I noted how tightly Alice was holding onto Jasper's hand. Bingo.

"My turn!" Emmett roared, shoving Jasper out of the way, and barreling through my thoughts like a hibernating bear being awoken before winter's end.

I heard a low growl and couldn't help but laugh at the interactions. They were so typical, and it was nice to have a bit of the things I would be without after the next week. Biting my lip, I again noticed that Dad wasn't in the group of observers, and I gave up hoping he would change his mind. I knew he was angry with me and hurt by what I had said. I didn't think he would miss these last moments though, and I felt sick to my stomach that he would be left to regret having forfeited this time with me. Maybe he didn't _want_ to be there, but he definitely _needed_ to be.

Jasper worked his magic once again, and I felt guilty for making him try so hard. He didn't seem to mind, actually thriving on the task at hand. There was no worry of unemployment when his job with me ended. He would have a coven full of emotions to stifle boredom in my wake. I laughed lightly, wondering what would be harder: the wolves, the humans, the vampires, or me? He'd expended a great deal of energy in keeping me balanced. It would be hard learning to control myself, directly responsible for my actions.

I shook the box from Emmett, testing the weight. Compared to the previous packages it seemed almost weightless.

"Opennn it," Emmett teased me, whining like a little boy.

I tore the paper and looked at the empty box. A stereo. _A car stereo_. Tilting my head to the side, I questioned Emmett's intelligence; all brawn and no brains? Then I heard the purring engine come alive from the driveway. My lips parted slightly, and I shot a quick look of doubt in Mom's direction. She smiled at me.

"Someone's waiting for you," she murmured.

I followed the sound of the engine, my heart racing. My mouth grew damp at the corners. Rosalie had an affection for cars that refused to rub off on me. The noise she made from behind me when she followed me out the door, teetered between a purr and a growl. If she hadn't already found love at first sight, she would have found it right then.

"A Saleen S7 Twin-Turbo," she crooned.

I wasn't sure what she meant by that exactly, but as the sunlight danced across the exterior, the silver stream nearly blinded me. While the overall view would have been exceptional regardless of the weather, the beams brought with them their own form of magic.

It looked _fast_. From the continuing sounds of excitement behind me, I guessed Rosalie was as surprised as I was. I knew only that it was gorgeous, and I couldn't wait to try it out.

The windows were tinted to a degree that would not allow me to see inside, and as I moved closer to run my hand along the smooth panel of the door, it lifted. Odd, it didn't open from the side as with most vehicles I recognized. Both doors rose up to their full extent, and _he_ sat in the passenger seat, the sun glistening off his diamond-lined skin. Dad wasn't smiling, but I smiled enough for both of us. I slid comfortably into the driver's seat of my new wheels.

As though my movement was sensed by the car, the doors lowered slowly, and I couldn't help noticing the envy that altered Rosalie's perfect face. I'd read what seemed like every manual in existence, had a vague idea of what to do, but with my hands on the steering wheel I blushed a little in confusion about how to put the information into play.

Calmly, Dad explained the sequence in a way I could understand, pausing to detail on the amount of pressure to apply to the brake and gas pedals. He stressed how important that part was. It was easy to see why once my foot pressed the accelerator. I couldn't be fully prepared for the seven hundred and fifty horsepower of the Aluminum V8 engine. It took me a few times to stabilize my footing, but before I exited the driveway, I was already handling the fine piece of machinery with the skill of a tenured driver.

The shift to solid pavement had me trying out the full extent of my new toy, 0-60 in 3.2 seconds, and I felt the pressure in the closed space lift a little. Dad enjoyed the movement as much as me. He didn't speak, and I was far too enthralled with motoring down the highway to think of anything besides the speed at which we were travelling. It felt like I was flying.

Being slower than my vampire family was a hindrance; I delayed them. This exhilarating movement was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Of course - Dad had given me this, knowing specifically that my _car_ was the fastest_, _if not my feet.

I appreciated the sentiment and wanted to share my understanding.

_Thank you._

He reached his hand over, placing it gently on mine. We drove like that for a while, not so much driving as motoring at a supersonic pace. When we blew past Forks High School, it was almost like a blur. My parents had once attended school there. They had been disappointed when I decided against institutional education. They conceded that time would change my mind, and the argument wasn't something worth having quite yet. Besides, they realized that if I were ever to attend that school, specifically, it would have to be several decades in the future. It might appeal to me at some point, meandering idly through the same halls that echoed their past. Would they join me? Wouldn't that be a marked irony, parents and child pretending to be schoolmates? The thought brought a soft chuckle from Dad, and I smiled.

We'd driven for what might have been hours, time lost in the bliss of moving. The early markings of twilight replaced the light sky, and my day in the sun was done. He'd purchased the gift prior to my departure announcement, and so some small part of him must have known that I needed to stretch my wings. What he'd failed to realize was just how far my wings needed to expand, and that a mere stretch simply wouldn't do.

His hand jerked away, balling up into a fist at his side. I'd upset him again with my thinking. A human's hand would have been shattered from the pressure. Whipping the car to a halt in the lot of a park, I pressed the lever for the doors to give me an escape. The tension released almost instantly, but the constriction in my chest had me gripping my shirt to steady myself. I fought to stand on the ground below. It wasn't solid. It felt like I was still moving, disorienting me further.

He was around the car, and to my side, in as little a time as would not arouse suspicion. The delay gave me the few added seconds I needed to hold out my hand, palm facing his form. I didn't want him to touch me, knew I didn't deserve any sort of compassion or concern from him. Yet he couldn't stop his human instinct to protect, even when he was grieving because of me.

Several passers-by stopped to awe over the Saleen. The males were in a state of drool, and the females with them were full of another kind of envy. I didn't need to read their minds to know what they were thinking. They were looking at Dad, not imagining for a second that the beautiful man next to me was my father. To them he was my _prize_, and they wanted to _be_ me, even if only for a second. He paid them no notice, having eyes only for Mom.

My heart skipped a little, knowing how fortunate I was to witness the bliss of their love. Someday, because of what they had shown me, I might too wish to find that for myself. The crease formed again between my brows, and Dad sighed a little, following my thoughts. It definitely wasn't the place for a heart-to-heart, especially with the continuously growing crowd around us. So, I forced myself back into the vehicle, frowning as he entered. I peeled out of the lot, leaving a trail of black smoke. I was trying to escape the prison that made up the confined space between us, destination home.

Home. Yes, it would always be that to me. Wherever my travels took me, the place of my birth and growth would always be my home. The loosening in Dad's shoulders had the opposite effect on mine, as though the stiffness shifted across the space toward me, trapping me tighter still.

I reached to flick on the stereo, an acceptable way with which to distract my thoughts. Emmett truly was my bodyguard, in more ways than he realized. An angry wail echoed from the speakers, and a smirk twisted my lips, as though the player was able to read my thoughts as easily as the mind-reader in my passenger seat.

"You might consider slowing down," Dad muttered.

Rebellious as ever, I lowered the gas pedal even closer to the floor. That's when I heard the sirens sing behind me.

_Crap._

Of course, me getting pulled over amused him, especially when the person pulling me over was Grandpa Swan.

_Crap._

Forks had one Sheriff. I wished for a moment it was any of his Deputies, anyone but him. I would have gladly spent the night in jail, if I could have been arrested for speeding, cold steel walls mimicking the confines of my life. The cell would have been a blissful alternative to the disapproval on his face. I wanted to slump into my seat and disappear. I couldn't. Plastering on the most perfect smile of my life, I tried to dazzle him with my pearly whites. When he recognized me, his lips twitched once.

Dad laughed louder, a generally joyous sound that had my ears ringing. Unfortunately, the figure outside my door didn't share the sentiment.

_Crap. Crap. Crap._

Grandpa wasn't pleased by any means, and I would have gladly given him a full explanation, but as soon as I started talking, he held his hand stiffly in the air and dismissed me with what he officially referred to as a warning. It was more than a warning about my lead foot. It was a warning that he didn't want me to get into too many personal details that would breech his 'need to know' policy. I wondered if I would ever be able to give him all the details of my life, share with him everything that I was. He was content in his half-truths, and while that was the safest way, I didn't like keeping secrets from him. Would his mind ever change?

The irony of him unconsciously making us uphold the vampire law of secrecy, while he consciously upheld human law couldn't be overlooked.

I'd promised Grandpa Swan a visit before the week's end. I wanted to explain to him that I was vacating the premises for a while, and I couldn't leave without giving him a proper goodbye. Just because he didn't want to know the _entire_ truth, didn't mean he didn't deserve enough honesty to ease his worried mind. He did worry, more than he admitted. He had questions brimming in his mind, and I wanted to show him so badly that I was going to be fine. He could do the math like everyone else, and while my growth had slowed substantially over the last few years, he worried about more than the acceleration of my new car.

I knew I couldn't share my safety via my gift, though it would be simpler to explain if I could. That was forbidden. Even if he didn't have the Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell-thing going on, I was not sure he could have handled what I wanted him to see. Once I started the vision, opening the channel to his mind, the desire to answer those unasked questions might prove too strong a pull to resist. Then again, he had Sue, who was strong enough for the two of them. Putting such a burden on her would be similarly unfair. While I wouldn't be telling her anything she didn't already know, she would have to deal with the aftermath of Grandpa. She hadn't signed up for that.

Driving away at a _much reduced_ speed, I decided that humans were funny creatures. It dawned on me that part of my discoveries would be in learning more about them. I was half-human and needed to expand those horizons before deciding fully to cater to my vampire side. I could join mortals through the day, rain or shine. This was a luxury my vampire family did not have. While Forks provided a nearly constant cover of clouds and rain, other areas in the world did not. Their glistening skin did not allow them to venture freely into the chaos of day. While my flesh was white as a snow-covered plain, it lacked the luminescence theirs did. I did not glitter, did not glow. I was not inhibited by direct sunlight in the way they were. This would aid me in my explorations, providing a benefit they could never have.

"You've never really been around people," Dad said, his voice remorseful. "We've somehow neglected that portion of your education."

As if preempting my thoughts, he continued, "Not in the normal sense. Charlie isn't exactly a typical human by any means. Neither was your mother, for that matter. So I doubt she would be able to provide you the insight you would need."

From what I'd read about humans, they were curious by nature. Grandpa was the opposite of curious. He liked routine, stability, and simplicity. Things moved for him in a straight line, and he never stopped to consider the circular nature of the world. He said little, and from what I'd witnessed, there were no excess thoughts bubbling over from his lack of words. He wasn't unintelligent by any means. In fact, his attention to detail was quite apt. He just lived a tranquil existence. He was content. If nothing more, I hoped to find a similar level of contentment at the end of my self-discovery process. I wanted to find some sense of balance, instead of the up and down rollercoaster I'd been riding. Even the strongest stomach gets motion sickness after a while.

So, if Grandpa wasn't normal and Mom wasn't normal, pre-vampire, what was normal? What defined normality? Was it a herd-like mentality that found people striving to be anything but unique? They were so very similar to start with, beating heart under warm skin. While their eyes and hair were different, the same key elements bound their biology. Those same key elements existed for immortals as well, with minor differences. We were so similar, and yet so different, unnatural.

I had no way to make a valid comparison as to normal humans or normal vampires, no referenced memories tucked away in my ever expanding brain. Aside from the wolves in human form, I really hadn't spent time around mortals. Maybe that was why I found all the bodily functions that happened to me during my puberty phase to be so repulsive. It was easy to dislike what you don't understand. This was another prerequisite of educational institution I was not eager to experience, wading through crowds of feigned maturity, while acting out with absolute immaturity.

"You trouble me," Dad admitted, sliding an exasperated hand through his unruly hair.

Sighing lightly, I continued at my snail's pace back to the house. I wondered when Mom would decide to send out a search party. Maybe she was enjoying her solitude? No, she wasn't good with being alone. She didn't crave it like I did. She could spend every waking second of every hour of every day with Dad, without even that being nearly enough.

"You're more like your mother than you realize," he continued, the grief creeping back into his voice.

Mom didn't have a typical childhood either, but she grew physically as any normal child would. She had a certain maturity reserved for middle-aged women much too early in life. She was equally awkward with her development and had all the grace of a baby elephant, constantly stumbling. She was out of step until her change, almost as though her body was waiting for transformation. So I could relate _a little_ to what it would have been like for her, trapped in a child's body with an aged mind, unsure how to make both body and mind cooperate. We had that in common.

It had been hard for them to accept my condition as true. I had a fully aware mind from the beginning, struggling to force my body to do things my brain wanted it to do. My body was always playing catch-up with my brain. Dad handled my growth with the most ease, constantly reminded of my status by the thoughts pouring out at him. Yet, it must have been difficult to see me, see my growth, and not be reminded of what he could never have, a real baby.

He was never condescending; never spoke to me with the baby talk the others couldn't refrain from using. I'd given him a miracle he hadn't thought to ask for, a child, and I couldn't even let him appreciate it in the way the others pretended to. They'd looked and saw what they wanted to see, even for the brief time they were able to see it. I didn't allow _him_ that luxury. Someone had to listen to me and be sensible, and even though I could _show_ the others, the visions still came from the eyes of a child. So they were distorted somehow. I'd _made_ him hear me.

That's all they wanted, my vampire family, any of them aside from Mom. They wanted to be human again and would have given up anything for that chance. Grandfather believed that a part of their longing, a part of their connection to mortals was due to their animal diet. It allowed them to make true connections and feel true emotions, more complex feelings than primal pleasures or hungers. It kept alive a small fragment of their humanity; enough to make them want it back. To us, mortals were the special ones and were meant to be protected, not eaten. It wasn't something any gained experience would or could change in me.

Seeing another side of vampirism, the side that had humans ranked barely above animals, might have found me running back to Forks with my tail between my legs. I wouldn't know for sure until I tried to go. Better to try and fail than to live the duration of my existence sheltered under the wings of my parental units, stoically moving through life in their shadow. While I didn't want to be center stage, I did want to be _on_ the stage.

Most vampires, or so they warned me, did not hold human life with such high regard, and felt above and beyond that basic existence. As such, as with the Volturi who were power hungry and full of want, they could never be placated. Acquisition could never provide true contentment. True satisfaction had to come from something more, something inside. It wasn't something tangible, something that could be taken.

My special ability was a giving one, and so I could understand to a degree why it was so important for me _not_ to use it in reverse. I felt the truth in that, found restraint difficult at the end of my adventure with the man in the woods. I was too weak to stop taking what wasn't mine. If not for the interruption of my family, I wouldn't have stopped until there was nothing left to take, leaving an empty shell behind me that would have been better off dead. Desire started wars in all worlds, mythical and mortal alike. Balance to me would mean finding an appreciation for what I could know, what I could be, and finding the strength to become _that_.

"I wish," Dad started, breaking me free of my inner monologue.

His words stopped short, and I watched him search internally for the right way to express what he was trying to say.

"I'd like you to promise me something," he decided.

In Dad's time, one's word was all one had to prove worth. Promises were not some petty thing spewed with nonchalance. They were solid, as binding as contracts printed on paper. I had to be careful to what I agreed.

"Promise me you'll come back," he said finally, desperate for some sense of comfort.

It shocked me how open he left the statement. He didn't ask me to swear I would return forever, or even that I would return within a certain period of time. What he was asking from me was something I was able to give him and nothing more. It would ease his mind, and mine, for me to vocalize my intentions of return. I wasn't just making a promise to him, but to everyone including myself. While my absence might or might not be permanent, I would come back intermittently. My whole world was in Forks, in the cottage with my parents, in the house with my vampire family. Of course, I would visit if not live there, no matter what life lay ahead. No self-realizations could change that for me. I didn't want to _evade_ my safe zone. I wanted to _expand_ it.

"I will gladly promise you that, Dad," I pledged.

Appeased, he continued, "And I will promise you something in return."

I felt the crease form again between my brows and wondered what he could possibly promise me. I was already asking too much, expecting too much. Should I have taken advantage of his generosity in his weakened state?

"_When _you return," he stated slowly, reassuring himself. "I will spend more time listening to you."

My confused look had his smile spreading, like he'd finally beaten my thoughts, able to step ahead of them.

"You know, for someone who speaks so very little, you truly _say_ a lot," he joked. "I've spent seven years hearing you, sometimes trying very hard to tune you out for even a moment."

I imagined that was an unfortunate truth, because everything that ran through my mind was shared with him, and the racing never stopped. My vacation might be a fantastic break for him, if he could put the grief aside for long enough to enjoy the peace and quiet. My gears were always turning. The less I worked through things, the more they built up inside until it was like an avalanche of images free-falling in my mind, unbearable. The space in my head was far too grand not to be filled with _something_. In truth, I often forgot he could hear, that he was always listening.

"That's it precisely," he interrupted. "I've spent the last seven years _hearing_ what you say, forgetting how to _listen._ I've gotten so used to the hum of your thoughts they are like a lullaby to me, my own personal song. So, maybe I didn't get the pleasure of imagining you a babbling baby. What I got from you was something far more incredible, more real. I got to _know_ you far sooner than anyone else, and I will shamelessly admit I might miss you the most, because it's not just the sight of you I will be without. The voice in my mind will be missing, too. Imagine losing a part of your mind. They'll likely have to institutionalize me."

I tried to imagine it and was not able to. If the expanse constricted, and there was no longer room for anything else, I couldn't go on. Each memory was something pertinent; none could be removed without altering everything about who I had become so far. This was what he needed me to understand about the darker side of my gift. Each piece was important to the puzzle. Removing anything would affect everything.

"Can I promise you something else?" I asked.

Liquid spilled over my lids. An ache crept into my chest to give him something back for all he was giving me. His marble hand moved to wipe away the tears, and I knew if he was able to, he would have his own to dry as well.

"I'll call you," I assured him. "It won't be the same, but it will give me a chance to get used to my voice."

This truly pleased him, and he appreciated the addition, as though he expected nothing as generous from our short drive together as what I had just given him.

"It means more than you could possibly know," he admitted.

I moved my hand across the distance of the car, and cried a little more at how far away his face seemed. The area between us was already expanding. I touched his cheek, and _showed_ him special moments I'd been saving for our goodbye, moments where I'd seen him committing acts that would leave any saint looking mediocre. I showed him moments that were more precious to me than he might ever have realized without me allowing him to _see_. He needed to know what he was to me, and what he would always be to me, no matter the distance.

_I love you, Dad._

He twitched a little, overwhelmed by what I was sharing with him. He watched, and I knew it was difficult for him to view himself in the same light we all saw shining around him. Being your own worst critic was a hard habit to break. Yet, he never pulled away, fascinated at how I seemed to get everything all wrong, like Mom.

"And I love you, Renesmee Carlie Cullen," he whispered. "No matter how far you are, you'll never be far from my heart."


	5. Cloudy Skys

**Chapter 5 – Cloudy Skies**

The flattened grass, marked by her pacing, indicated that Mom was impatiently waiting for my arrival. She held a laptop case in her hand. She passed Dad a quick, questioning glance as she handed it off to me. They had a lot to discuss, which was fine by me. It would give me a chance to seek out someone else I needed to say farewells to, someone whose reaction was unpredictable. Wolves are notorious for temper tantrums.

I used the trunk of my Saleen as leverage while I popped it open. Rosalie hissed and snatched it from me before I was able to visibly make note of the desktop screen. I stood staring blankly at the empty space.

"Ness...Renesmee," Rosalie scolded me. "You have to be more careful with your new...gifts."

I laughed, knowing she was still envious of the car. Her emotions were predictable, and the idea of toying with them further enticed me. I was the only one she would consider letting get away with it. What if I took a fingernail and ran it along the exterior, just enough to graze the glossy sheen? The thought had my smile widening.

"Don't torment her," Dad warned. "You're likely to lose a finger."

With that, Rosalie eyed my finger, and I wondered if I would be able to commit it to motion before she could break it free from my hand. Not wanting to cross that invisible line, I slowly lifted my hand away from the trunk. While she was right about caution, I couldn't imagine the laptop marring the paint in any way. Of course, I didn't see quite as well as them. My vision was advanced when weighed against human standards, but lacking when compared to the clarity of vampiric sight. She would see every almost-scratch, and it would frustrate her to no end.

If she had seen me flying down the highway on my first run, what would have happened? If her heart wasn't dead already, the rapid drumming might have caused implosion. I could add that as my first journal entry.

First log of events. Miracle occurrence. Cause: Anxiety. Effect: Vampire's dead heart beats and subsequently explodes. End notes: The imploded pieces of vampire ruined interior of vessel that caused occurrence. Lesson learned – Don't scare a vampire back to life, their decades old ticker can't handle the restart.

Dad laughed, and I blushed.

Only one thing could placate her. Moving around the Saleen's side, I drew the keys from the ignition and dangled them lightly in the air. As if she were some sort of over-excited puppy, her feet danced a bit, anticipating my next move. Casually, I tossed the keys in her direction.

"Maybe you wouldn't mind letting her out every now and then to restart her heart?" I suggested.

The squeal that came from her lips had Emmett covering his ears to keep his drums from bleeding. Instantly realizing the spectacle she was making of herself, Rosalie shifted gears. She didn't like to appear happy, sad, or mad. Her constant reserve was borderline annoying. Appearances were something that mattered to her, and people's impressions were important. Rosalie was refined in all areas of public view. Even those closest to her weren't allowed to really see her, forced instead to witness absolute stoicism. It was easy to misunderstand her intentions. Mom truly believed for a long time that Rosalie detested her. That was never the case. Instead, she envied Mom.

Emmett was the opposite, wearing his emotions all out in the open. I wondered what things were like for them in private. Would roles reverse? Did their extreme personalities meet in the middle behind closed doors?

She choked."Sure."

Emmett winked at me, and I ran over to hug him. In my previous excitement, I'd forgotten to thank him properly for the stereo system. While we all understood the car had come with a more than adequately equipped sound system, he'd chosen it as a humorous reminder of the one that was probably still sitting in the bottom of Mom's bedroom closet.

Emmett ripped the laptop out of Rosalie's free hand and flashed a dashing smile as he gave it back to me. _My bodyguard_. Rosalie was obviously too caught up in her feigned propriety to think of giving it back to me. She clutched the keys tightly, afraid I might change my mind about letting her borrow the car.

Gliding toward the porch with the weightless, black object, I sat on the step. Flipping the top open, I noted the desktop screen was a picture of Mom, Dad, and me. It was one of my favorites, taken in the meadow clearing that marked so many pivotal moments in our lives. We three were lying down on the ground, looking up toward the sky. Alice had taken the picture from above us as though the sky was looking down and watching us too. My mind pulled back to the exact instant it was captured. The sun was clearly visible, as it had been on all my birthdays. What could that mean? In the picture, and in the precise second it was taken, a single sunbeam shined down on me. I was the focus of the light. It made me shudder to think of the significance in that.

I'd never considered how magnetic my personality was. Everyone adored me, and I assumed it was because they were my family. If my parents' adoration for one another created me, had it become a part of me? Did I have the ability to push it outside my form, like I could with my thoughts? Was my likability something more than a coincidence? Was it another ingrained trait, an innate ability that exuded from me? Could I switch it off and on at will?

If so, it made sense how I had overloaded the circuits with Jacob and broke the unbreakable connection between us. Maybe what I had felt for him was more than any mortal could bear, even one with supernatural strength. With that in mind, his continued distance made sense to me. It reinforced the fact that I should not speak to him before I left. Nothing good would come of it.

Dad looked like he wanted to say something, torn between keeping a promise and being honest with me. He would only withhold information if my safety was in question, or if someone had made him swear to silence. I needed to trust his silence.

_Whatever it is, it's yours to keep._

"Look," Mom interrupted, manipulating the trackpad. "Here is a folder that has all the pictures from your album."

Mom marveled over my interest with the technology, explaining how it would be easier to carry than the picture album. I agreed, having no plans to haul the hefty memories away from home. She detailed how the webcam feature worked and with no subtly explained I was expected to use it as often as possible. While I appreciated the token and the ability to mobilize the photos, I sort of hoped the Amazon didn't have much of an Internet connection.

Dad shot me a warning glance, and I swallowed hard.

_Shame on me. I know._

I didn't want to hurt Mom. She had loved me the longest. Our bond formed as soon as she realized I existed. She immediately knew that my life invited danger. Her guard instantly enveloped me, standing up to Dad. He was more concerned with her safety than my birth.

At that, Dad gave me an apologetic look, guilt flooding his expression.

_Ugh. Sorry. You know I never blamed you._

I yawned unexpectedly. Everyone shifted at the simple act. They were standing and gathering everything up for me before I could even tell them I was getting tired. The huddle of vampires around me retracted, giving me the breathing room I hadn't realized until that moment that I needed. It had been a long day, and while I might not need as much sleep as I had in days prior, I couldn't avoid the drain altogether. We still had the rest of the week, and I planned to give my family each their individual moments with me before the end of it.

I heard movement at the edge of the forest and felt some relief when I saw the silver fur. Someone very important needed to be given an update. She wouldn't have brought herself to ask the vampires what was going on with me, unable to cross the bridge as though it might crumble and leave her stranded on the other side. Leah paced back and forth a bit, grunting before she moved back into the trees to phase.

"Maybe," Mom suggested, tentatively. "You could talk her into going with you?"

It was a passing comment. She wasn't trying to persuade me into something I wouldn't agree to on my own. She was merely testing the waters to see how receptive I would be to the idea. Mom couldn't have realized the notion had already been vaguely entertained. No longer needing the prospective leverage made the thought even more appealing. It wasn't a compromise, but an addition to an existing plan. It would benefit her as well, breaking her free from pack stress. If I found my head cluttered with only Dad in it, hers must have been a mess with a pack of wolves running through it.

I reached over to kiss Mom on the cheek, her good sense never failing to awe me. In my excitement, I didn't pause to consider the worried glances passing to and from several members of my family. I darted across the lawn to speak with Leah. She met me in the trees, a smile moving to match mine.

"Careful, you'll make her face crack," Seth shouted from behind a large tree.

I heard movement and then paws padding away. The brief interlude was his way of showing me he had forgiven my outburst. I still felt guilty about how I had lashed out at him at my birthday party, but he was obviously over it. No doubt he was running off to brag about how he had witnessed the coolest vehicle that could ever exist. I wondered for a moment if I could coerce Rosalie into sharing it with him. Looking back at the figures in the lawn watching me, I caught the silvery gleam of the keys that were reflecting off the brightly lit moon. They were motionless in her death grip. _No_, he wouldn't share.

"I guess they changed their minds?" Leah asked.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, still in the afterglow.

"We can talk about it on your way home," she suggested.

It took over half the way to the cottage to fill her in on every little detail, starting with where we parted. She commented here and there, but let me do most of the talking. The familiarity of my voice confused me. While it was new, I was used to it already. Leah explained Seth's version of the events with as many details as she had been allowed. Pack order meant that when the Alpha made a command, it could not be broken. Jacob had obviously forbidden a complete recount. I put the pieces together as best I could with the available information.

I explained about the man in the woods, avoiding what had led me there to begin with, ashamed that control was lost and more ashamed at the reason for that loss. The memory manipulation portion intrigued her. I kept it as vague as possible.

I marveled over the coming to terms with Dad, and she was thankful to be so well-informed about the last twenty-four hours. She could pass that along to Jacob. I knew she would, and I was grateful it wouldn't have to come from my lips. It was my way of saying goodbye to him too, the safe way. Relief slowed her steps, and I matched mine to hers.

"I was thinking," I started, not sure how to approach the subject.

"What else is new?" she replied smartly.

"Maybe you'd like to come with me?" I asked, grin forming ear to ear.

Leah stopped walking, and I danced around to face her. I really wasn't prepared for her to say no. Would any of the wolves ever tell me yes? How could she not want to come with me?

"I can't," she apologized.

The Alpha command screamed out in my mind, and it made me angry to think he would use force to bind her to his pack. That wasn't the Jacob I remembered. Had he changed so much? I desperately wanted to creep into Leah's thoughts to see for myself what he had become. I had done substantial growing in the last two years. It was foolish to think he would be the same as he was back then, frozen perfectly as I wanted him to be.

"What do you mean you can't?" I shot back. "I will just tell Jacob he doesn't have a choice."

"It doesn't work like that," Leah argued.

Had he really turned into this monster that he sounded like, barking orders as though he was the only one with anything important to say? Could my Jacob lose his warmth, that welcoming heat that pulled me to him? Was his heart now as cold as my vampire family's skin? Did I do that to him?

"Well, he would want someone to protect me," I returned sharply. "He won't be able to argue that."

She swallowed hard, and I realized it wasn't Jacob's fault she wasn't going. No one was at fault. It was her choice. I had automatically assumed the worse, because it was easier than experiencing more rejection.

In that moment I realized exactly how much I missed my best friend. I missed Jacob. I severed the friendship tie before thinking to add reinforcement lines. Was I forgetting him? Were the stitches breaking loose as he wanted? They weren't as strong, but were they rotting from lack of use? Shouldn't I be happy that we had drifted apart? Shouldn't I feel free? Were the bricks weighing down my chest because I knew that my distance was something we both needed? Was I running to something bigger, something better in my future, or was I running away from him?

"I don't really need the protection," I said, shamed a bit by how that made her feel.

"I know," she assured me.

I would truly miss Leah. I would miss them all. It was easy when I had been in the middle of the pack, no sides required, no lines drawn. We had all enjoyed the connection. When I had muddied the waters, it wasn't just Jacob I had hurt. The rest of the wolves had been affected as well. They had felt torn between being loyal to Jacob and remaining my friend. In the end, Jacob had won. Even with Leah, he knew she was his. I was glad for that, having no ill will for their choice, for his choice.

They waited, knowing he would change his mind eventually. I wasn't waiting. I deserved something more and would find it, with or without him. I would find it with or without Leah too. Too much leaning made me forget how to stand on my own.

"I have responsibilities here, Nessie," she groaned, after I remained silent. "I can't just walk away, no matter how tempting it is for me. Seth needs me. If something happened to him, and I wasn't here…I could never forgive myself. If it wasn't for him, I would have left a long time ago."

Seth was a good excuse, but there were other reasons she stayed. Her responsibilities were of great importance to her. Protecting the humans was her birthright. Regardless of her personal pain in staying, heritage was more important than her feelings. Leaving would free Leah from the rejection she felt when Sam imprinted on Emily. It would give Leah the peace she craved, but at what price? Her pain for a lost love would be replaced with guilt. The ache she felt was constant and familiar, and she worked through it by knowing Sam was happy. Leah still loved him, and I wondered for a moment if my gift could free her. Could I take it away for her, make her whole?

I shrugged the idea out of my head. Not only had I been forbidden, but it wouldn't work. Once reconnected to the pack, their thoughts would bring back all the memories. In seeing things through their eyes, it would be as clear as day, and she would have to relive it again from the beginning, losing any strength she had against it. All her built up tolerance would be lost. It would be a fresh and agonizing torment; instead of the dull, consistent throbbing she had grown accustomed to. I could never help her at all, which left me feeling helpless and hopeless. For all that I could take away, I couldn't remove the genes that caused the shifting. Her bloodline inhibited progress.

"I understand," I admitted glumly.

Sighing a bit, I realized that Fate took the reins again. I needed to be alone. It was better to sever all attachments. This was better, it had to be. But if that was true, why did I feel a sickening pain in my gut at the thought of leaving her behind?

"But you can email me, right?" she asked hesitantly.

She would have been watching from the woods when I had received Mom's present. A new sense of excitement welled up, replacing the sorrow. I could email her! Would it surprise Leah to know how in sync she was with the thoughts of my vampire family? Could she appreciate how they all worked together, unconsciously, when it came to me? Did anyone notice that?

"You have a computer at home?"

"No," she replied.

In order to stay connected to me, she would have to give up something she had made great efforts to avoid through our friendship. She would have to be around the vampires. It would be very hard for her, and it was very selfish of me to expect that of her, to be happy at her suggestion. She knew what she was sacrificing for me. I was blessed to have her in my life.

"It's okay, Nessie," she assured me. "I'll just hold my nose."

We laughed at the thought of that. I never really understood the problem with the smells on either side. The vampires smelled of variant floral candy. Each of them had a distinct scent, one that I could recognize from more than a mile away. So did the wolves. The wolves smelled of earth and woods, nature's perfumes. The best smell on all sides was his.

In wolf form, Jacob smelled like the rich oak he used to carve my gifts: closer to sawdust when he was upset, closer to campfire when he was angry. His human form smelled like the beach, salty and fresh as the air along the water. The thought of either smell turned me leg bones to liquid. He wouldn't get a goodbye. He would just have to deal with that. So would I. I didn't have the strength to allow that sort of confrontation so close to my departure. He would have to be satisfied with secondhand images stolen from Leah. That was all I could offer.

Stopping at the cottage door, I gave Leah a long embrace. I doubted I would see her again in the coming week. This was our farewell. Seeing the tear slide down her cheek, I felt secretly pleased that I was not the only one capable of crying. After a lengthy pause I entered the cottage in a continued haze from the bliss of the day.

Lying in my bed, I tried to slow down the seconds that roared through my mind as quickly as the Saleen had sped along the highway. Exhaustion halted thought, my heavy head sinking into the softness of the down pillow mere seconds after connecting.

**#**

Could the time have passed so quickly? The drive to the airport with Mom was quiet, leaving me time to reflect on the week of goodbyes. My eyes were a puffy mess, and I hoped they would go back to normal by the time the jet touched down in Brazil. From there, and beyond the city of Manaus, I planned to ride a boat along the Amazon River to where I would meet Zafrina. She would guide me to their station in the rainforest, outside the reach of city lights.

Shifting the pack in my lap, I rechecked the materials Mom had acquired for me. After her change, she had taken over the administrative duties, finding Jasper's methods with his human connection a little inhumane. The poor gentleman, who generally took care of such necessities for my family, had lost many years off his life as a direct result of Jasper's acquisition techniques. Mom wanted to keep J. Jenks around for a few more years so there would be no need to seek out a new means for illegal documentation. It was a good business move, and she saved him an early heart attack.

The passport book I held had an adequate photo of me, and my family felt content in using my actual name. The title alone gave off an aura of prestige and respect, maybe even fear. The Cullen's had a reputation earned via dignified means, but from a distance I could see how my quaint little family could appear menacing.

I packed light: a backpack and small suitcase with wheels. While the weight was no issue, it was important that I give off the impression I wasn't quite as strong or sturdy as I actually was. My family all gave me little tips and tricks that would supposedly help me blend in. Did they really think they were fooling anyone? I planned to spend a portion of the flight inventing more adequate ways to feign humanity than flipping my hair, blinking, and crossing and uncrossing my legs.

Grandpa Swan hadn't caused nearly the commotion I anticipated. His reaction surprised me the most.

"Thanks for not leaving me a note," he had said, glad I had come in person.

Mom had laid some good ground work in her adolescence, and he was pretty used to absence on a whim, though it never got any easier over time. I wanted to give him more than that. I wanted to tell him where I was going, what I would be doing, and what my intentions were. I couldn't. It annoyed me. The fact that he didn't press for more details frustrated me to the point where I wanted to take hold of his calm face and shake my thoughts into his brain. Of course I didn't. That I found the restraint still astounds me.

What I had managed to throw in the air was a casual comment. "It sure is nice to be all grown up."

He had picked up enough from that one statement to let the wave of worry he felt gush out into downright joy. My growing had stopped. It wouldn't have mattered if I had said I was going to the moon at that point. He had been beyond hearing me, off in some happy space in his head with a neon no admittance sign flashing vibrantly at the entryway.

Everyone after him had been far simpler than I could have imagined. They had all waited their turns, accepting every little second I gave them as though nothing could ever compare to the prize I was sharing; my time. They had treasured it. In return, they had given me new memories I would hold with me always. Rosalie had asked for permission to check in, and I couldn't refuse, though I wanted to. Emmett had a wild look of anticipation that showed me it wasn't about me at all, but the prospect of hunting Amazonian beasts. That had caused me to cave. Alice had grown annoyed with my constant unpacking what she thought was absolutely necessary for travel attire. We had a daily routine. She put it in. I took it out. Jasper did a great job keeping everyone level-headed, including me, through the week, and I didn't envy the task ahead of him. Grandfather had catalogued everything I needed to see, and I looked forward to the things I would experience outside of his basic itinerary, surprises I would mark in my new journals. Grandmother had focused on reminding me how very much I was loved and that no moment would go by where they wouldn't look for my face in homecoming flights. The wolves had maintained their distance, but that was expected.

Dad decided against the ride to the airport with Mom. He said he needed to hunt, but I had never seen his eyes a more gloriously golden hue. He was giving me time to soak it all in without intrusion, time to reflect on my home as it disappeared from view behind me. Mom barely spoke, and I had never realized a car could travel so slowly. Was it moving at all? We were creeping along the highway as though at any moment she might whip her Ferrari around and force me back to Forks. I wondered who she was waiting for. On the end note of an exasperated sigh, she picked up the pace and decided to drive the speed limit instead of under it.

"Jake will be disappointed he didn't say goodbye to you," she mumbled.

I chuffed in her direction, catching the twitch in her lip. He was the reason she was moving at a snail's pace. She had hoped to let him catch up, not realizing he wasn't coming. He was her best friend too.

I made them all tell me the story of their relationship, each vampire or wolf giving a different perspective. Having opposing angles helped me adequately paint the triangular picture. From what I could tell, Mom had loved both Dad and Jacob, both in different ways and for different reasons. She had made a choice. That much was clear, and not a day went by that she would ever regret it. What she did regret was the lack of Jacob's presence in our lives in recent years. That wasn't her fault. It was mine.

While the pull Jacob felt for Mom lifted in the instant of my birth, she witnessed it transfer to me. After a brief and emotional confrontation, she had come to accept his presence in our lives, as though it was as fate intended. Jacob's absence confused her. Could I share my thoughts with her? My feelings. My memories. My rejection. She might be the only one who could understand, sympathize.

"You have to talk to me, Renesmee," Mom pleaded. "I can't read your mind like your dad can."

"Sorry," I apologized. "I'm used to not having to say anything."

Sensing the tears forming in my words, she met me in the middle. Her hand came down and pulled mine to her cheek. It felt nice to be given this option. If I didn't speak I wouldn't cry. She was always so clever, knowing the best thing for me, even before I could realize it for myself. I showed her everything. I started at the beginning, moving straight through to the note, and circling back around to the conversation with Leah. Every memory and thought I had ever had of Jacob Black went spiraling into her mind. It didn't feel like she was invading my privacy. I was invading hers. She was comforting me and allowing me to vent and release some of the thoughts that threatened to overflow and consume me. I showed her things that I was pretty sure I had kept from Dad. Her looks of shock confirmed successful withholding. If Dad had seen what I was showing her, he wouldn't have been able to maintain any level of calm.

"Oh," she replied finally.

Another few silent moments passed, while she figured out how best to respond to that. With her teeth clenched, she had no look of sympathy as I hoped. She was angry. The leather guard around the steering wheel flaked off a bit from the pressure of her grip. She was beyond angry. The flame moved through her fists and to her throat, transforming into the most terrifying growl I had ever heard. She always reacted exactly opposite of what anyone expected. So, in a sense, her reactions were predictable. Her animosity startled me, took me off guard.

I moved my hand from her cheek when I decided the cause was Dad. He wasn't supposed to keep secrets from her. He had withheld my rejection. I felt guilty for showing her. I wanted to take the pain away, wanted to step back a few moments and remove just a little of what I had thoughtlessly given her. I needed to protect them both: Dad for keeping the secret, Jacob for needing his distance. She looked like she might very well make ruins of them both.

When I moved my hand back toward her face, she flipped an internal switch to off. The frenzy instantly subsided. She was the only vampire I had ever met to so quickly regain composure. Her control unnerved me. While the youngest in the clan, she held the restraint of a century-old vampire. And old soul in life and the afterlife.

"No," she warned. "You promised."

I swallowed hard and wondered if maybe Mom had some unique mind-reading powers she was keeping from everyone. _No_, she was just Mom, and she had loved me the longest. I couldn't break my promise. It would break the trust I had been given, break my father's unbeating heart.

"I'll deal with it," she assured me. "I'll take care of this for you."

Ever shielding, she continued her silence until we stopped at the airport drop-off. She couldn't get out of the car, the overcast sky spewing bits of sunshine randomly. I leaned over to kiss her cheek before moving out the door.

"I have loved you always, my darling Renesmee," Mom said softly. "From the beginning and into forever."

"I love you too, Mom"

As I returned her emotion, the sky released a single beam, light focusing on my form. It didn't feel as though it was shining down on me, but instead, it was lifting me up toward it, calling me closer. The following moments were a blur, marring my record of memory perfection. As the jet took off from the runway, I envisioned the thundering engines trying to mask the howl that echoed from behind me. My world disappeared behind the clouds.


	6. Absence Strengthens

**Chapter 6 – Absence Strengthens**

The river voyage was enough to sweep clear my mind. The drift was full of nature's sounds, visibly unlike anything I could ever imagine in what little research I had done prior to departure. The temperature was warm, humidity making it seem hotter than the eighty degrees it actually was.

I clutched the Spanish-English dictionary, a weapon against uncertainty. Away from my native diction, I realized the importance of communication, of understanding. With humans, I couldn't just _show_ them what I needed them to see. Thankfully, as per Grandfather's instruction, I browsed through the book during flight. As I listened to the tall, dark tour guide speaking of historic landmarks, the words on the printed pages clicked in my head. Their letters formed into sound, and as if a light had erupted in my brain, I understood the new language. Fascinated by the roll of the r's and the exotic accent, I paid little attention to the meaning behind the words, once I realized what they meant.

The beautiful hum of his voice was diminished when translated by the small, blonde woman at his side. Her tone annoyed me; it was upbeat and chirpy, conflicting with the import of the words. It was easy to tell who understood the guide and who required the aid of the interpreter, their eyes following the one they were waiting to hear speak. The interaction ground on my nerves, and I hoped all humans wouldn't prove to be so predictable. Moving to the back of the boat to avoid binding the blonde's lips together with my shoelaces, I sat on a wooden bench, letting the view entice me once more.

A middle-aged woman broke away from the group to speak to me. Somewhere under the layers of wrinkled skin, she was sort of pretty. She motioned to a tube of something in her left hand, insisting I put it on. The thick, liquid cream felt cool upon my skin. Sunscreen. She thought I was going to get sunburned. Cute. Even strangers were trying to take care of me. Did my aura really exude true helplessness?

_Smile and nod. Say thank you. Do something human._

"Gracias," I whispered, the simple word of thanks rolling perfectly off my tongue.

"De nada," she replied hesitantly.

She returned to the group very quickly, as though frightened by my song-like voice. I couldn't say I really blamed her; I'd just gotten used to it myself. It had a unique tone, not chirpy like the too-peppy blonde, nor intense like the story-telling guide next to her. My voice was more like a slow-moving breeze in the August heat, caressing objects in its path, impossible not to feel or appreciate.

My skin was pale white compared to the deeply tanned tourists gathered around the guide -ghostly even. Some were naturally dark while others suffered ultraviolet effects. There were no more than fifteen of us. No, not us; I didn't really fit in with the group. There was them and there was me. They were on a holiday, vacationing from their tedious, routine-driven lives. My personal journey held more impact than a summer rendezvous.

_Just relax. Enjoy yourself. Stop being cranky._

Was I capable of relaxation? Had I ever tried to let everything go and marvel in my surroundings without compulsively over-analyzing every detail? No. To me, every sight I saw, every sound I heard, and every emotion I felt was a step toward something greater.

Putting the dictionary back in my pack, I pulled out the journal, thinking it appropriate to begin my adventure's mark with pen on paper. If I could get the work out of the way, then maybe I could take my own advice. Maybe I could enjoy my existence in a simpler way, peace replacing obsessive compulsive disorder.

_September 19th – Around me rest the wonders of a world I cannot begin to describe. This documentation marks the beginning of an adventure of self and discovery. I do hope it will help me gain insight to my nature and purpose. I will strive to learn something new daily and to make memory by way of words in this book. Daily Lesson – Humidity labors breathing. Labored breathing increases hunger. Functions deemed normal, even trivial matters such as air intake, affect the blood running through my veins. If primarily inactive, less feeding is required. Will test my restraint versus the vampires to see if they struggle as well._

I cringed at the last sentence. I knew this would be a moral dilemma for me. Their crimson eyes were vivid in my memory. They were not like my family, feeding from animals. They drank from humans, killed for blood. While they would aid me in my own feeding methods, they wouldn't change their own to abate my personal unease. I wasn't here to make a permanent impression and to move toward a campaign to change them. I ventured to South America to gain knowledge about myself, not to take what I already knew and force it onto someone else. Their actions shouldn't have any impact on my discovery process, but would I be able to turn a blind eye? Surely, they wouldn't do anything rash in my direct presence, and I was free to leave at any time. I would simply avoid speaking of their choice, deflecting confrontation.

I could see the breaks in the levels of the forest, eyes attuned to the lines that separated the layers. The Emergent layer, the closest to the sky, exposed trees that easily reached two hundred feet in height. They reminded me of the long, lean forms of the Amazons, stretching to reach the light. The forest floor was dark, the sun unable to penetrate the barrier. It was easy to understand how they could live without attracting attention. The beams from above couldn't touch them. The animals below didn't stand a chance against them.

There were no bridges or roads for traffic to venture. Generally speaking, the 1.7 billion acres of rainforest were uninhabitable. We passed small villages along the way, completely void of typical civilization. There were no vehicles, no hum from electrical lines. If not for the low sound of the boat motor or the quiet echoes of creatures, the picturesque scene would have boasted complete tranquility.

I briefly listened to the history of the tribes, resting my arm along the boat's side. His talk of predators stirred my interest. While the others felt threatened, I made a mental shopping list in my mind. Sensing their accelerated heart rates, my hunger grew. My throat ached from the humidity, the liquid air stealing away my inner reserve, and I decided against rejoining them to better hear him speak. I was about to flunk my will's test miserably. Having to keep my body cool was using up more of my blood supply than I anticipated, and I hoped to join Zafrina soon - before I gave a new, tale-telling man a more exciting story to share with future travelers.

I could pick them off easily, one by one, before they had the chance to escape. The blonde would be first. If they managed to flee, where would they go? The crocodiles swimming beside us were already lingering too close in hopes that someone would fall overboard, providing them a reward for their patient waiting. If any survivors managed to make it to shore, where would they run? The sleek felines hiding in the trees had hopes of their own. I could hear their rumbling purrs, the jaguars' tongues licking gums in anticipation. He'd forgotten to mention the deadliest predator of all: the half-vampire, half-human sitting starved at the back of the boat, focusing every last ounce of energy into self-restraint.

As evening advanced, the temperature easily dropped fifteen degrees, strengthening my refrain. It wasn't, nor did I get, cold. The rapid drumming of my heart produced its own internal sauna. While the tropical climate was hotter than I was used to, it wasn't the warmth that disturbed me; it was the thick, obstructive oxygen. Breathing was difficult, the thick moist air sticking to my lungs. It would take some time to adjust my breathing. My lungs felt wet, like I had stuck my head into the river to escape from the enticing smell in front of me. My damp hair left me wondering if I'd truly done that or if it was my imagination.

_She_ stood by the river's edge, waving the captain toward her. The boat moved close enough to deposit me. Several of the tourists gave curious glances as I further proved my disassociation. Standing next to Zafrina, my five foot seven inch form felt miniature. Her shifty movements had the boat breaking free before I could step my feet solidly on the ground. Wicked whispers followed their departure, and I dared them a dirty look, each ill-speaker quickly looking away, careful not to meet my gaze. What did I look like to them? How quickly the helpless victim shifted roles from meek to monster.

A moment passed while I placed a new image of Zafrina in my mind, replacing the old. She was of the jungle, a part of it. Her limbs were stretched beyond comfort, arms, legs, and fingers of limitless length. Even her facial features were elongated, as though someone had taken hold of her long, dark hair and the bottom of her feet and pulled her from opposite ends.

At her side was Senna, who moved with the same cat-like reflexes as Zafrina. They were similar in all but speech. Senna rarely spoke, but was the director of movement. They were linked, as though Senna operated the body while Zafrina controlled the mind.

One grand change was present: their eyes. My face lit up in excitement, wondering if they would find it rude of me to mention.

"Finally, you have come to see us," Zafrina said, pleased.

"As promised," I returned, staring too closely at the change.

"A difference," she announced. "Of course, you would remember."

I blushed, wondering whether the sweat dripping down the small of my back was from embarrassment or the heat. Liquid gold peered down at me from aged vegetarian irises. Our different feeding preferences wouldn't get in the way, after all. There was no intention to force conversion, but there was always hope that our nature would rub off on other vampires. It pleasantly surprised me that Zafrina could evolve. Her Amazonian coven was much less sophisticated than any I had encountered. Her mannerisms and attire still showed a primitive being, but her eyes held another truth. Their honey glow welcomed me, and I couldn't have been more delighted. If they could grow, find another way to live, maybe there was hope for other vampires as well.

"Come," she commanded. "We must make way to the camp, and the travel is long."

I put the pack on my shoulders, picking up the case and preparing to move. They would progress quickly, and I didn't want to hold them back any more than necessary. My throat burned, and I hoped it wouldn't be too long before we made it to their camp. I was hungry enough to eat human food, but I didn't want to show weakness by mentioning it.

"You will feed along the way," Zafrina joked. "You will eat more here. The hot air makes you hungrier."

I crinkled my nose and decided that everyone was a mind reader but me. Were my movements and thoughts so easily displayed in my expressions? Did my eyes tell truths I didn't dare speak from my lips?

As we moved into the thick undergrowth at the forest floor, Senna stayed a step ahead of Zafrina, guiding us through. We paused a time or two to marvel over nature's gifts: waterfalls and pools of glistening liquid that invited wildlife. We fed on monkeys, which were readily available. She promised me future days would hold more exciting prey, but the monkeys were enough to get us through the journey. Strange, they tasted somewhat similar to human blood, more similar than even meat-eating predators. I was glad there was such an overabundance of them to pick from, because they weren't very filling.

My steps slowed when I caught a different scent to my left. The thumping of the heart was loud in comparison to the tree-climbers', and I instinctively dropped my suitcase. I was nearly through the trees when Zafrina's strong grip grabbed hold of my backpack. The abrupt halt ripped the straps, the sound of it dropping to the ground breaking me free from the hunt.

"Not that one," she warned.

Confused, I stopped to listen closer. It was more than one heartbeat I heard. There was one larger thump, and about ten separate, smaller thumps pounding sporadically. My hunger subsided instantly, realizing that the feline was with child. Of course, reproduction promised continued existence of the species, a food supply for the future. I knew this, was told this before, but had never witnessed the glory firsthand.

Protectively, the mother let out an unnatural hiss, and I backed away from the overgrown cat. I thought of Mom, knowing death was inevitable and still risking everything to protect the child growing inside her. Neither she nor the cat seemed aware of how easily I could have killed them.

"Nature's balance," Zafrina explained. "And the Ocelot is endangered."

They were much more polished than they had been seven years ago. They dressed the same, with their animal skin clothing and leather bound braids, but their general demeanor and knowledge was more refined. Someone had been teaching them. I wondered what other differences I would find.

What more would I learn? Already I had made some distinct discoveries in behavior. Every second that ticked by reconfirmed the decision I made to come, to expand. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was doing something right, part of some bigger picture. While not ready to be team captain, I was in the game instead of sitting on the bench to warm it.

We had traveled for at least fifty miles when we came to a break in the trees. The silence was eerie, but then again, animals had a tendency to avoid threat. It was absolutely void of light and sound. If not for my own breathing, I would have felt lost, dead. Alarmed by my hitched gasps, Zafrina acted. It was as though a light switch had been turned on. I could see the campsite clearly as I might on the brightest day.

"Thank you," I said, making note of the area through Zafrina's vision.

"You will sleep," she said. "We will train tomorrow. Energy is needed."

"Train?" I asked.

Her high-pitched laughed echoed through the trees and into the night sky.

"What else?" she asked, motioning to the canopy bed they had erected for me in the trees.

"I thought…" My voice trailed off, embarrassed that I really hadn't thought to make any plans.

I knew the desired result, but I never really sat down and outlined how I planned to accomplish my enlightenment task. I had no idea what needed to happen, what I needed to know, or how I needed to proceed. In my haste to seek blessings, my quickness to run away from everything close to me, I forgot to formulate procedures for how to achieve my goals.

I thought of Jacob and wished for a fraction of his tactical insight. I wished for Alice and the future she saw so clearly for all but me; for Jasper, who would ease the growing worry. I envied Rosalie, who had no depth beyond her beauty; for Emmett, who never thought beyond the now. I thought of Grandfather, who would want nothing more than to know every detail of my travel; for Grandmother, who would be pleased to know I was thinking of them. More than all, I wanted my Mom and Dad, whom I had never spent a night away from. A single tear slid down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away. I stubbornly promised myself it would be the last time I shed a tear for the sheltered life I left behind.

"You will sleep now," Zafrina whispered, ushering me to the hammock. "It will come together. You will see."

With that, she shut the light off from her vision and left me in the darkness. I was tired. The drain of travel stretched through my bones, and I needed a good night's sleep. In the cool black air, I felt my breathing finally come in natural rhythms, sucking in the moist air as though I was born of the water, no longer drowning. My education had already begun; there was no denying it. In the heart of the Amazon rainforest, progressive advancement forward began instantly. My teachers, while simplistic in nature, would build my core. They were my basics. They were the roots that would solidify what I was, what I could do.

**#**

Zafrina wasn't exaggerating about the training. While Senna continued silence, she was never more than a few feet away. Kachiri, the third in their coven, remained close as well. She wasn't as tightly bound as the other two, but their general characteristics made me curious as to their connection before their change. She looked the same, except that she was slightly more muscular than the others. She was equally quiet, and often left the group, sometimes for extended periods.

During one of her absences, I decided to break from practice long enough to ask about her. "Where does she disappear to?"

Zafrina laughed lightly before explaining, "She has a gift too."

"What kind of a gift?"

My curiosity ran fully, not having realized another of the Amazon Coven was talented beyond normal vampiric abilities. It made me question whether or not enhanced magic was truly a rarity. Surrounded by a largely exceptional group of vampires, I decided more were talented than were not. In some way, they all held their own alchemy – some were just more advanced than others.

"She is something of a tracker," Zafrina continued.

While she always answered my every question, her responses were consistently vague. I felt like she was forcing me to communicate, making me manipulate her into explanations. I was used to complete recounts, answers that didn't lead to more questions. Was the continued conversation a way of teaching me to speak, to use my voice? It was impossible to tell her intentions. She never made them readily known. Every act, every lesson, was part of a grander scheme.

As not to disappoint, I persisted, "What does she track?"

"Your kind," she answered, lips curving into a smirk.

"My kind?"

I considered that for a moment. _My kind_. Did I have a kind? From what I understood, there wasn't even a handful of us. A fluke of fate, or so I thought, had allowed Alice to find someone else like me, the truth that saved my life when the Volturi came to punish my family for my existence. My first impression of Kachiri's purpose was that Alice had used her to venture onward through South America, guiding her through the blind spots. Obviously, she served dually. She gave territorial direction, and led Alice to Nahuel, another hybrid.

"As with all trackers, she is pulled toward what she seeks," Zafrina said, sorrow in her voice.

"And she seeks half-breeds?" I replied, understanding the concept but not the sadness.

"Yes."

I wanted to reach out and take away her emotion. It pained me to see her upset, but I knew she wouldn't be willing to explain the cause. It wasn't something that invited conversation. Some things were meant to be private. Her limits were clearly visible, and I made a valiant effort not to cross them.

What seemed to give her the most joy was my training, so I redirected back to that. She helped me fine-tune my gift, teaching me to be selective about the information shared. She showed me how to summarize things, to expedite understanding. Instead of replaying an entire event, I could take bits and pieces of it and share those instead.

The lessons were exhausting, and I wondered how she got through the monotony of seeing the same visions recounted to her over and over. She never complained and delighted in my advancement, as proud as I was over my accomplishments.

To reward me for my hard work, she would sit with me before sleep, taking me to any destination I requested. The pictures she gave me were solid, tangible. It felt as though I literally was wherever we "vacationed". We visited Egypt, Ireland, Hawaii - anywhere exotic and deemed by mortals as holiday-worthy. It was an amazing compensation to have her share that with me. The prospect of continuation gave me strength to further my education.

"So, what's on the agenda for today?" I asked smartly, wondering if there was anything left to teach me.

"Today, we give smaller," she responded.

"I can already show you fragments," I argued. "I thought we already covered summaries."

"You won't be bored," she countered. "You are still too open, like a book."

She was right, and of course I shouldn't have argued. I did show _too_ much in my visions and expressions. I didn't have the restraint she had, the composure, or the ability to limit the information I fed to others. While I could paraphrase my daydreams, there was no alteration of truth, no manipulation of outcome in the story I shared. Did I want to be able to mislead? Wouldn't that diminish the importance of what I could do?

"I'd rather not learn how to lie, thanks," I admitted.

"You misunderstand," Zafrina retorted. "To silence something that is _yours_ is not a lie."

I considered the importance in that. I didn't keep anything to myself. My happiness, my sadness, my thoughts, and my memories - I shared them all freely. I _was_ an open book, expressions clearly stating how I felt. I was open like Mom, but without her shield to stop unwanted intrusion. I was a danger to myself. Hadn't I always wanted a little privacy?

We started the training, Zafrina encouraging me to expel my thoughts, carefully holding my palm against hers. Training required contact. Her offensive ability was something she could move past the bounds of her body, but my gift required touch. There was no way to push it from my form. A prerequisite physical connection was my only limitation. Nothing she or I tried allowed me to force it outside of me.

I fed memories into her, trivial things I hadn't shared before. I broke events into fragments, like I was showing still photos instead of movie reels. The focus brought sweat beads to my forehead.

"Now take one back," she directed.

"Like an image?" I said, closing my eyes to maintain concentration. "You want me to take one back?"

"Yes!" she ordered.

"No," I said, shaking lightly. "I can't. I promised."

When I tried to pull my hand away, she kept it firmly against hers. The pressure from her grip made cracking sounds in my knuckles. Nothing was broken, but the bones were grinding against one another. I couldn't do as she asked. I had promised Dad I wouldn't use my gift to take from others. Training or not, he wouldn't accept this sort of learning. Command or not, I could not do as she asked, no matter how much the prospect tempted me, no matter how painful the grip was on my hand.

"Renesmee," she whispered, calming her tone to something less frightening. "There is much difference between _taking_ something that is _not _yours and _keeping_ what _is_ yours."

I continued streaming the images, afraid if I stopped, she might go ahead and snap all the bones in my hand. Considering her words, I found the truth in them. What I had promised to, and why I had agreed to the promise, involved me taking memories from someone else, removing them, and locking them inside my mind. I had no right to do _that_. What Zafrina was demanding was different. She was trying to get me to take my own directed thoughts, to pick and choose from what was there. She wanted me to pull _back_ things that already belonged to me. I wasn't taking things from them that were not mine. I was securing what I already owned, protecting it. I was preventing the leak of too much information, a clean sweep of knowledge given too freely. I trusted too easily, and in order to expand my safety zone, I needed to be aware of the danger so I could be prepared for it.

Through the channel formed between our linked minds, I tried to put pictures in and pull pictures out, randomly choosing what to show and what to keep inside, what to give and what to retract. She asked questions out loud that I would answer, proving the task's effectiveness. It was very tiring.

Using magic drained me in an unusual way. Because of her patience, her desire to aid, I was able to not only control what I gave, but I could also pull back anything that slipped through. I could overcome my personal limitations without giving up one of the best parts of myself - my charisma. It wouldn't work with Dad, because I couldn't project my gift outside my body. Would it work with someone like Aro?

Aro was a Volturi leader, their spokesman. His ability allowed him to _see_ everything in someone's mind with a single touch. No one but Mom kept secrets from him. Could I? Could I use my power to mask what he took from me? Could I protect my mind from him like Mom? If it was possible, it would be far more effective than merely guarding. Her mind was private, no one able to break through her great shield. It was impenetrable by magical means. While protected, her mind's silence caused suspicion. When nothing was seen, speculations were made. Assumptions cloud intent. My mind was not blocked, would not cause conjecture, but I could still pick and choose what he saw, controlling the flow into him without his knowledge. The idea made me feel powerful; made me want to stand in the light for long enough to bask in the glorious beams.

Zafrina moved her hand, brushing it along the side of her animal skin pants. It was covered in the dampness of my focus. She smiled, a terrifying grin that shook my insides.

"Go to the falls and get clean," she directed me. "You have company coming."

"Who?" I asked, almost lethargic from the effort of the lesson.

"You will see," she replied, moving off into the forest with Senna at her side.

With her strange departure, she left me sitting on the forest floor. Growling lowly, I pulled my uncooperative body to a standing position. I did need to get cleaned up. The days and nights were all running together, and time held no mark for me. I wasn't sure what the date was, what the hour was, or how long I had been in the Amazonian rainforest. There was a vague difference between night and day; the sun was never able to penetrate the thick layers to the ground. How long had I been there?

The rain, which fell at least once a day, left decent bathing puddles. She expected something more. Was I really such a mess? Not far from camp was a small pool of water that provided a better bathing potential. Above the pool, a stream trailed along the ground, falling over the cliff's side, a waterfall shower. The cool liquid rained down and drained away the grime. It refreshed and exhilarated me, washing away invisible weights. I had neglected personal hygiene. The reflective surface showed the sad truth, a wild animal staring back at me. Laughing, I wondered if my parents would find it funny that they'd tricked me into school. Would they see the humor in how I flunked the basic health course?

The weight of my wet, bronze ringlets pulled them past my waist. I groaned, trying to twist them, freeing some of the excess water from their treacherous grasp. Back at the camp, I pulled a pair of recently dried shorts from the clothesline I erected for convenience purposes. Shaking away the stiffness, I hauled them on. I chose a dark-colored tank top, the navy masking the stains the lighter ones were covered in. I missed laundry soap, hand soap, and any and all kinds of soap.

Crawling into my canopy bed, I tried to imagine who was coming to see us. Maybe Kachiri was bringing company. She was a key element in their educational gain. Her return would bring with it new reasoning and understanding, which she passed along to the others. The remaining two never left the confines of the thickly wooded area, never venturing out into a world they did not belong in. I wasn't lonely, nor particularly missing the modernized means of comfort. I wasn't bored, nor was I tired of my present company. However, having a fresh face to add to my memories appealed to me.

Journal writing was routine, and I'd nearly filled the pages in one notebook. My words were curt, trying to minimize the amount of emotion I felt for the strengthening in my talent. Objectivity was difficult, trying to make things practical as a researcher would, keeping personal opinions minimal. To archive meant avoiding speculations, recounting only facts. I hoped Grandfather would approve.

The more I missed the people I loved, the easier it became to focus my powers. Absence made my heart grow fonder and my abilities stronger. Heightened emotions enhanced the magnitude of my craft. This became the tag line for my journal entry, the lesson marking the completion of the first book. There were no more pages to print on, and ironically, the closure coincided with the completion of studies into what I could do.

A question had been answered for me, a closure to a pivotal curiosity. I knew what I was capable of, no longer plagued by wonder. The extent of my gift was thoroughly explored, and I was able to control it. In gaining this insight, I also learned how to regulate myself. No longer did fluctuations in emotions cause embarrassing outbursts. Jasper would be both proud and disappointed. Learning to control my gift meant learning to control myself.

I needed to know three important things to feel whole and to make my emotional journey a successful one. Who was I? What could I do? What was my purpose? Feeling content in the answer to question two, I snuggled into the canopy.

I opened the leather binding, committed to giving Volume One a title. I had left a page blank in preparation. _Insight into Power._ A little below this marking, I added another line: _Absence Strengthens Emotions Strengthens Abilities – Dedicated to my family, who without their supportive distance, realizations would be impossible._

The binding closed in sync with my eyes. I blissfully floated into the dreamless drift of exhaustion.


	7. Role Reversals

**Chapter 7 – Role Reversals**

Nothing could have prepared me for my absolute glee in seeing them. As though my mind hadn't properly catalogued their appearance a million times, I stopped to study each perfect feature on her face and every contour of his gloriously muscular form. A ripple of emotion worked through my senses, allowing the tears I had forbidden previously to flow.

"I told her you didn't want to see us," Emmett joked.

Embarrassed, I wiped at the liquid falling from my eyes and ran toward him. It was like hitting a solid brick wall. He scooped me up and spun me around as though I was a feather, and I nuzzled into his neck, marveling at the caramel apple scent. Rosalie stood looking sour, waiting impatiently for her turn. I exerted strength to wrestle out of Emmett's bear hug and into her arms. She gripped me equally hard: maybe harder. While she refrained from vocalizing her emotion, I could see the subtle hint of delight behind her golden eyes.

"You…" Rosalie began. "Well, you really are a mess."

She picked out a twig captured by my loosely flowing curls. They were mildly dangerous, and while I normally kept them tied, the waterfall shower had left me feeling brazen. I wanted to give them a little freedom. Of course, they took advantage of this, capturing stray sticks, leaves, and anything that dared to come near them. She spent the good portion of twenty minutes pulling debris from my bronze locks, chattering about how everyone was doing as she deforestfied me.

"We've missed you," she said casually, taking the strands and working them into a more convenient braid.

"I've missed you too," I admitted. "It's great to see you."

I'd replayed their faces in my brain a million times. Physically seeing them was much more satisfying than memories.

"I told you she would be glad we came," she said sternly to Emmett.

"Well…" he said, a smile curving the corners of his mouth. "She may not be so glad when you tell her what you did to her car."

My eyes narrowed instinctively, before I asked, "What's wrong with my car?"

"I don't know how he talked her into it," Emmett continued. "But she let Seth take it out for a run."

My mind felt like it might over-heat, gears burning inside. Seth took my Saleen for a joy ride. Was he hurt? How could Emmett find that amusing? Did the hatred between the wolves and vampires burrow so deep that they had no common courtesy to care if the other side was harmed? Treaty or not, they were supposed to be civil. I loved them all without boundaries, without lines being drawn. While I knew it was difficult for them, I didn't feel that discomfort, for any but one.

Their nonchalance about an accident threatened to destroy the calm I had finally started to find. A ripple in the water started, and while I was able to keep it from becoming a crashing wave, I wondered how long I could maintain composure before it poured over them.

"Relax," Emmett said, smile never wavering. "Seth's good."

Rosalie tilted her head to the side, as though mortifyingly confused by my reaction. Emmett maintained the 'I told you so' smirk, but she never paused to look at him once. All I could think about were the flashing images of my wolf family sliding like a show in my mind. It was very hard to focus.

"He trashed your car," she explained, as though I didn't really grasp the concept of what Emmett had said.

"But he's okay?" I asked.

"Yes," Rosalie said, her voice a low grumble. "He's perfectly fine. I mean, he had some healing to do, but he was repairable. The Saleen - not so much."

Emmett lifted a brow, as though expecting some sort of rise out of me more than the concern continuing to cover my face. I couldn't stop from feeling pains in the pit of my stomach with worry over Seth. He had healed. Their lack of concern didn't show apathy, but instead existed because they saw the after effects of the crash. They witnessed a recovered Seth - perfectly whole again - and the object of envy completely beyond repair.

Emmett's smile disappeared, replaced with a serious side of him I had never seen before. Remorse tainted his generally handsome appearance. He frowned, and the difference turned his face into something that terrified me, something menacing and absolutely dangerous. Alert to my emotion, he tried to soften his expression again. In his fun, he'd overlooked the reasons for why the incident would upset me.

"He's really fine, Renesmee," he assured me, reaching out his hand toward my face, using his index finger and pinky to force my lips into a smile.

"Truly?"

"I promise," he stated. "All healed up in less than twenty-four hours."

"That bad, huh?" I persisted.

That length of time to a wolf meant some pretty serious injuries. I sighed, wondering if I should take a trip home to see for myself that our mascot was healed.

"Well," Emmett said, nudging Rosalie. "He had the hottest nurse in Forks looking after him."

I was reminded of the softer side of Rosalie that I had witnessed as a baby. As tough as she tried to make herself out to be, she would have felt responsible for what happened to Seth. Internalizing blame was something she was an expert at. As self-absorbed and egotistical as she was, she still had a conscience. She would have cared for Seth until he was better, that urge to nurture taking over as it had with me before I was born. Once he was healed, she would have discarded the connection as though it was a passing fancy.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"I think she did it on purpose," Emmett joked, inviting a guttural hiss from his mate.

I pondered that for a moment. Rosalie certainly had some nastiness inside her, but she would never willfully inflict harm on someone like Seth. Sure, she wouldn't mind taking a few bites out of Jacob - or Leah for that matter - but never Seth. He was far too lovable. He had likability in tune with mine, and it was impossible not to adore him. He would have wanted to test-drive my car. He would have probed and prodded and continued until he made her cave. Her mask was only skin deep and not nearly strong enough to fight against his charisma.

Curiosity replaced worry, and in search of more details, I pried. "When did this happen?"

Emmett laughed then, and I wondered why that would be such a funny question to ask. The answer had me laughing too.

"An hour after you left," Rosalie said somberly. "I wasn't…thinking clearly."

"Why didn't anyone call?" I wondered.

"Umm…" Emmett said, pointing to his cell phone. "No signal."

"No-No," I countered. "Before I left the country."

They looked at each other for a moment, wondering whether or not to answer me, as though their inevitable response would break some sort of silence code.

"Would you have left?" Zafrina answered for them, the response vague as always, yet enough to make me realize she was right again.

I hadn't seen her approach, having been swept up in seeing two members of my vampire family. She made a good point, and by the look of anticipation in Emmett's eyes, I could tell he was more interested in hunting than continuing idle chitchat about a healed puppy or a smashed Saleen.

Matching his grin, I was excited to be able to show him where to go for once. When I took off into the trees, I knew it wouldn't take long for them to catch up. They wouldn't pass me though. I was leading them, and it felt delightfully liberating to be in that position. Roles were reversed.

Seeing them was beyond any luxury I could have asked for. I had given them permission to come and knew they eventually would. If they hadn't told me two months had passed, I wouldn't have believed them.

November held the same humid temperature as any other month. The Amazon climate changed more from day to night than it did during any seasonal shift. I wondered if the snow had found Forks. I missed home - the smells, sights, and people. However, I wasn't ready to go back; not quite yet. While I had come a long way in my journey, it was far from over. Having a piece of home touch me was greatly appreciated and definitely more than I deserved, since I was the one who had chosen to leave it behind.

A special contentment existed for me in the rainforest, but it could never be my home. The connection I had made with Zafrina outweighed any childlike desire I had to see her visions. She was my teacher and also my friend. Senna didn't talk, but she felt the same. I could sense that from her. Kachiri appreciated my presence only because I was a valid distraction for her sisters when she wandered off on her escapades, but I hadn't really decided whether she cared much for me or not. She smiled at me often with a wicked cat-like grin that made my skin crawl. She liked to share the knowledge she gained: her own lessons. This is why she left so often - to learn - and I certainly understand the desire for that. Her binding to the other two was not so tightly knit.

"How long will you stay?" I questioned Rosalie, when Emmett had left with the others for another round of feeding.

"No longer than tonight," Rosalie replied sharply.

"You're leaving so soon?"

I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice, but knew I had failed miserably when she smiled a little wider. Only Rosalie could enjoy the negative, ego-feeding feeling. It proved her importance to me.

"Yes," she answered evenly. "We are just passing through on our way to Antarctica."

"Antarctica?"

This filled me with curiosity. Why in the world would they want to go someplace so void of life in November? Then, as if to answer my own question, I flipped through the geography book pages in my head until I found the one I was looking for.

"Ah," I determined. "Because it's the start of summer. Fun times. Happy hunting."

"Emmett prefers polar bears, and we plan to take a trip North before heading home. That's the best time to make sure the white teddies aren't bearing. All the pregnant mothers are pretty much in their dens by now," she said, smug smile on her lips. "We're saving Tennessee for spring. For now, the penguins will have to do."

She winked, and I knew she was referring to his near-death experience that happened there. Spring was the anniversary of their meeting, and the moment she decided to make his choice for him. I wondered, if given that option again, would she do the same thing? She was impossibly full of regret and torment over her own turning. How did it feel to have made that same decision for someone else? Did she regret it? Would she take it away if she could? Did she wish she had the option like I did?

Part of my discoveries needed to revolve around me deciding which side of my hybrid form to cater to. I couldn't be two people any longer, but how could I decide to be one or the other? I knew what I was capable of and needed to move onto the more difficult venture of figuring out who I was capable of being. Who did I want to be? Did I want to be like my vampire family or like humans? Before I could decide one way or the other, I was going to need to spend some time around mortals, which would happen neither in the rainforest nor in Antarctica; it couldn't happen in Forks either. Where would I go?

"Ness…Renesmee," Rosalie said quietly, pulling her legs up to her chin and wrapping her arms around them.

"What's wrong?" I asked, instantly alert to distress. "Look, I'm not mad over the car at all. I mean, I know you liked it. Dad can buy you a new one."

She laughed at that, but her voice still held strain when she responded. "No. I don't really care about the car."

"What is it then?"

I moved closer to her, finding it strange that I was the one doing the comforting. I reached out my hand and slid it around her shoulders, pulling her closer to me. Another role reversal.

"Before you left…," she began. "I mean, it all happened really fast…and I never got a chance to talk to you about it alone…and Edward…well, your father wasn't about to let me even consider it out loud…"

She was frantic, her hands moving to rub one another, performing a human act to calm nerves. Her words were coming out in rapid fragments like she was trying to get them all out at once. It took me a little time to run back through them in my mind and piece parts of them together.

"Pull it together, Rose," I begged her. "You're going to cause me an anxiety attack. Unlike you, I can hyperventilate."

It was a soft giggle that came from her form - something girly and refrained that wouldn't echo through the forest. She was trying to do this all quietly. Discouraged, I felt like yelling out. For a family who was supposed to be without secrets, there sure seemed to be a lot of secrets between them. I didn't want to hear what she had to say; I didn't want her to tell me something I wasn't allowed to repeat. I liked being honest, telling the truth, and sharing too much information. It was part of who I was. My family were the select few people who I knew I could trust, who I knew I could spill it all to without worry.

"Don't…I don't want to know…please don't tell me."

Those words got lost in my mind, and I felt my heart hitch at the fact that Dad was the only one who could have heard them.

"Ness...Renesmee….Nessie. Ugh, this is hard," she stammered. "I want you to take away my human memories."

"You can call me Nessie," I said softly. "I think it only mattered when you really needed to see me as an adult. I guess we're beyond that."

She didn't see me as a child. This wasn't the type of conversation an adult had with a child. I felt like she was seeking my guidance, my assistance as an equal, as a friend. The whole spiral in position had my head spinning, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond to her. I wasn't sure I wanted to respond to her. She knew what my answer had to be. She knew the promise I made, and yet she sat, terrified, asking me to break it.

Part of me wanted to help her instantly. The other part had no idea what to do. I wished for Jasper and his ability to help me come to decisions in a level-headed way that was void of emotion so rationalization took over. I didn't have Jasper; I had only myself. I was in control, and I did have a firm base to build my future on. I needed to work that into my decision. Both sides needed to be considered.

If I did as she asked and took away the memories, I would have to break a promise. Surely Dad would forgive me. He had broken important promises of his own. Was it worth slandering his word, his credibility? Had leaving Mom really halted the pain or saved her? No - breaking oaths never brought good. Lies brought no good. Truth sometimes brought pain, but it was a different kind of pain. It was like Leah's constant and tolerable pain.

Rosalie was unhappy. She tried to feign indifference, but it was a façade easily seen through. She was formal, curt, but underneath something else. Her stoicism was often misconstrued as anger when really she was just sad. If not for Emmett she would not exist, a zombie of sorts continuing onward. Would taking away her memories, her longing for continued human life, give her a chance at peace? Would it be her amity, the same stillness I craved? Could I give her what I couldn't give myself?

She wasn't cursed with the ability to read thoughts; nor did she have a linked pack mind. She was simply Rosalie. She had boundless beauty and her wiring was set in a way to run more on body than mind: purely physical. She didn't have to worry about someone slipping in and leaving the memory there for her to deal with again in the future.

If I took her human memories away from her I would be stripping away her last bits of humanity. Knowing her desire to gain mortality, was it fair to take that little bit and erase it? More importantly, what would happen to her in the process? If I removed that, what would she become? While she was not pleased to be a vampire, her human experiences, and the change brought by Carlisle, had made her what she was. If I took away the memories, the regret and longing, would she continue to be a part of the family?

Could I focus and pick through the thoughts in her mind without the constant rewind like I had learned to do with my giving gift? Could I use my ability backwards with the same control and restraint? Was it within my power to do that? Should anyone have that sort of control on anyone else's future?

To be honest, I sort of felt like reaching across the distance and slapping her for putting me in such a conflicting position. Yet, I couldn't raise my hand against her. Not only would she pulverize me, but I sympathized with her pain. It was only a few months before when I was sitting in the same position - fully aware of what I wanted and what I was asking of everyone around me. The decision that was right for me didn't coincide with everyone else's plans. Yet, they had heard my side and aided me. If nothing else, I owed that to her. I needed to talk it through with her, see her position, and make a decision based on based on rational thoughts about whether or not it was a good choice for her and Emmett.

"What about Emmett?" I whispered. "What if things…don't go as you plan?"

"I think," she said quietly. "I know our feelings are true. I don't think this would affect that…but."

I had a pretty good idea I knew where this was going.

"This is about my happiness," she admitted. "And do you really think he can ever truly be happy if I'm not?"

"But can you be happy if he isn't?" I countered.

"Do you not know him at all?" she spoke, raising her voice a bit. "He lives his world for me - me the angel who saved him."

"That's what I mean, Rose," I argued. "He views you as an angel. This life was a gift to him. Your continued existence was not a gift to you. You were not saved. You were sucked into something without a choice."

"Exactly."

"But if I take away what you were, you will have no choice about who you are, who you will become. I would be taking away anything left of your humanity. What will that turn you into?"

"I know who I am," she argued.

She thought she did. Maybe she had a vague insight into her true self, as narrow as the journey was for her. What she wasn't thinking about was the effort she had given to be like the humans: the animal blood, the sacrifice. Without an ounce of humanity left inside her that could all slip away; without the strengthened bonds reinforced by vegetarianism she might convert to other vampiric means of feeding. Would her bond to Emmett remain then?

"If you are so sure about this," I said, annoyed at the continued silence between us. "Then you should stand beside Emmett and ask this of me."

I played the fair card, which was unfair in itself, but I really couldn't think of any other way to try to dissuade her. Maybe that was the point. If I couldn't talk sense into her, maybe she needed to talk sense into me. Part of growing, part of advancement is knowing when to fight for something and when to give _in_ to someone. True compromise is not about consistently getting what is wanted. It's not about splitting things down the middle. It's about coming to terms and agreeing with the outcome. I wouldn't make such a rash decision for her that would so gravely affect Emmett. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

She hissed, and I wondered for a second if she was going to attack me. Instead, she sprung off the ground and into the forest. I assumed she was going to go find Emmett and bring him back to stand before me.

I twisted my hands together, as I had seen her do, and found the movement oddly calming. I thought of my parents and wondered what they would think about all of this. I valued my mother's opinion. Her decisions were made with the greater good in mind. Her ability to rationalize was unique, and so ignoring her was difficult. Yet, she would easily forgive me. Dad made decisions that were effective in another way. They were like band-aids, quick and to the point. He would not forgive me as easily as Mom. Eventually, he would have to. Love does that. It makes it possible to accept any number of things that normally would be impossible to accept. He would understand my decision. Could I forgive myself if things ended badly? Could I still find the decision - the choice - correct if it didn't work as Rosalie hoped?

"Your posture is troubled," Zafrina said from behind me.

Startled by her words, I jumped slightly. When so swept up in thought, it was easy to forget about everything around me. Soon, Rosalie would stand with Emmett before me as requested. If they were united in the decision, I would have no choice but to bend to their wishes. It couldn't hurt to prepare with the teacher who had helped me stabilize everything I could already do.

"I know," I agreed. "Rosalie…"

I trailed off, knowing it was not my place to share this information with someone else, regardless of how much I wanted to have an unbiased opinion.

"The choices we make impact more than the past," she said soothingly.

She was right, as usual, and that was what troubled me. There was no way to know how this choice would directly impact what would happen. I wished for a fraction of Alice's insight. She knew the outcome already, though my presence was enough to cloud what decision was made.

"How much did you hear?" I wondered.

"Enough to know that I am proud of you," she announced.

"I didn't do anything yet."

"I know," Zafrina said, smiling and patting me soundly on the head.

She took my restless hand and pulled me to a standing position.

"They are coming," she told me. "You'll want to be standing."

A second later I heard footsteps that were followed by their approach through the break in the trees. My heart raced wildly as I looked for answers in Emmett's eyes. I couldn't find anything beyond the same simple smile that always rested there. I was looking at the wrong vampire.

"We're headed out," he stated, chipper as always.

The outcome was clearly visible in Rosalie's strained face. Emmett didn't agree as she'd hoped. He'd decided without me having to. Always my bodyguard.

While trying to figure out the right thing to say, I moved over to my backpack and pulled from it the completed journal. The leather felt smooth against my hand, and protectively, I pulled it to my chest as I rejoined them. I tried to imagine the book as a vice, using the pressure against me to force my heart to stop its clattering.

"Can you bring this back to Grandfather?" I asked, searching her face for forgiveness.

"You should really think about getting to the city for long enough to call your father," she said somberly. "He worries about you. They all do."

"I will," I promised her.

I really wanted to see them again, but a homebound voyage was not in my immediate future. Offering the insight I had gained so far had to be a fair trade for the time being. A city would be nice, but which one? I really hadn't made any definite plans about my next lunar phase. I would pull out the atlas once they departed. Maybe I could close my eyes and wherever my finger landed, that's where I would go. Regardless the destination, it would house someone we had encountered in the past, someone who would be willing to show me the general area layout. I had faith in my future.

"Not a problem," Emmett said casually, taking the book.

His demeanor was void of strain, and I wondered if he even knew what Rosalie had asked me to do. She wasn't the type to so easily give up on something she wanted so badly. Had she changed her mind and decided against asking him? He wasn't good at masking emotion, and his happiness was genuine. I found it hard to believe he could be so jovial if his answer to her was no. I wished for Dad's mindreading or Jasper's empathy.

"When…" Rosalie began, pausing to think. "Can we expect to see you again?"

Her question was about more than when I would go home; she wasn't giving up. I really didn't want her to. Some time would help bring clarity to her request. This moment - this goodbye - didn't have to end in a refusal. It could end on a maybe…a possibility. Hope could still exist for her amity, and I wanted her to realize that.

"I haven't made a final decision," I said, looking straight at her. "You will see me again, once we are all ready for that to happen."

Thankfully, she drew the advanced meaning from my words and relief formed on her lips. I still couldn't tell if Emmett knew anything or not, and it wasn't my place to ask, especially if she didn't have the strength to talk to him about it. They had things to discuss, and once they did, we could revisit the idea.

After a few quick, bone-cracking embraces, they disappeared into the rainforest, hand in hand. As their forms faded into the trees, my smile worked its way off my face. Even with the three Amazonians standing behind me, I felt very alone.

"Pack your things," Zafrina instructed.

"We're going?"

I knew I would be venturing into a city. I could be out, into cell phone range, and back to camp in less than a day. That wouldn't require packing. I was familiar with their scents in a way that guaranteed I would not get lost upon return. They weren't going. Were they kicking me out? Was I wrong to have invited Rosalie and Emmett into their home without permission? Did I offend them? Was Zafrina disappointed with me for not helping Rosalie?

"Kachiri is taking to you Buenos Aires," Zafrina informed me.

I let my mind find the name of the city, and a brief wave of excitement rushed through me. It was a port city in Argentina, population reaching about thirteen million people. It was the second largest metropolitan area in South America. It would be a fantastic choice for the second stream of my education. While this intrigued me, it also saddened me. They couldn't continue on with me. Kachiri was taking me, which meant Zafrina and Senna would be staying behind.

"I have to go right now?" I asked ruefully.

"Yes," Zafrina said, choking a little on the words. "To give her time to get back before dawn."

My concept of time was truly skewed. Maybe rejoining civilization would rewire my internal clock. I could purchase soap, but not even the prospect of a shower could take the sadness away; I was not alone in feeling it. Two goodbyes in one day was ridiculously unfair. The waves swished back and forth inside me and made me sea-sick.

"Goodbye," I managed to get out before the whooshing inside me spilled out from my eyes.

"Do not cry," Zafrina pleaded. "Did you not enjoy your time here?"

"Of course I did!" I replied defensively.

"Then remember it well," she said, pleased. "We will be here when you come this way once more."

The thought delighted me that I could come back; nothing was permanent. The next time I came to the Amazon rainforest, it would be with mountains of new insight, and I truly could come for vacation purposes.

"Thank you," I said, weeping all over her icy skin.

"Thank you," she countered. "Not every day does a light so bright shine on our forest."

I didn't have many personal things to collect. Gathering them together didn't take long, not nearly long enough. It felt much different being pushed out the door than it had breaking through it.

Kachiri led the way, and I struggled to keep up with her. She was my guide toward the future, and she didn't seem overly pleased about it. While the temporary home I found disappeared behind me, what I learned travelled with me.

Making a mental note of each wondrous sight I was leaving, I carefully tucked each away in a special place in my mind, organized and easy to locate. I would find my way to the camp again, and when I did, they would see for their own eyes the change I felt erupting inside me.

My heart rate leapt from the enhanced adrenaline pumping through it, my steps trying desperately to stay in line with my guide. Overexerted, I felt myself falling toward the ground, like my engine had blown; I had pushed myself too hard. I was not a vampire and did not have their limitless speed or their longevity in physical exertion.

Lying on the ground, trying to still my chest's thundering, I cursed my human limitations. Kachiri circled back around and stood above me. She didn't look annoyed, as I thought she would; I would have been annoyed if I was her. Instead, she softened, the abrasive edge in her feelings toward me smoothing out. She reached down and scooped me up as though I was a rag doll. The breeze of her movement felt cool on my face, and I curled into her chest. The lack of sound calmed me, my own heart slowing, attempting to mimic what it would never achieve, eager for the next degree of peace.


	8. Perspectives

**Chapter 8 – Perspectives**

When I woke up the first thing I saw was a clock by the bed with charming red lights to indicate time. I grabbed it as though someone might steal it, wrapping it tightly to my chest. In my half-asleep state, my temporary preoccupation with time seemed paramount. Exhaustion lingered, and I lost another four hours to the confines of the satin bedding.

A second glance at the clock had me forcing myself into a sitting position. Ten o'clock. The light pouring through the curtains indicated daytime. I was pleased to see the sun, even if it was shielded by the dark, billowing fabric.

The beams of daylight played peek-a-boo, each gust of air flapping the material enough for them to shine through. I lazily made my way to the window and pushed the curtain aside. The full force of the wind, combined with the intoxicating view, stole my breath away. Spring in Argentina. Blooming jacaranda trees pleased me with their purple hues. The buzz of traffic and passersby reminded me that I was no longer isolated from civilization, nor was I protected by the surrounding undergrowth of the Amazon rainforest.

Dragging my eyes from the sight before me, I turned to survey the room. It was elegant, yet inviting. Was I in someone's house? Was it an apartment? I didn't remember being deposited there. I couldn't imagine Kachiri being involved with this kind of luxury. While she was reformed, as all her coven was, this was beyond her comfort zone. How deep was her involvement?

Moving back to the bed, I noticed a piece of paper on the floor. I must have knocked it off the nightstand when I hastily grabbed the clock. Once I finished wiping the remainder of sleep from my eyes, I bent down to pick it up.

_Dear Renesmee,_

_Please stay where you are until he comes._

_Kachiri_

Where was I, and who was _he_? I was in no hurry to meet _anyone_ in my current unkempt state. The full length mirror spoke truths Rosalie hadn't fully made me aware of. I looked like a wild, untamed beast. Not vampire. Not human. I couldn't even pass for a member of the pack. I was something completely different that desperately required pampering.

Unsure whether I would be disobeying Kachiri's instruction to 'stay here', I curiously ventured out of the bedroom. A small sitting area connected to a kitchen with no wall separating. A gigantic picture window framed the front wall and easily filled the entire expanse. Gliding toward it, mesmerized, I saw the open door at the side - a bathroom. This is where I needed to go.

The hypnotizing smell of soap pulled me through the wide door. I wasn't disappointed. Two options existed: a shower stall and a deep, jet-driven bathtub. I opted for the shower. While the water wasn't as fresh as my waterfall, being able to clean myself in the closed, protective space offered privacy I had forgotten the joy of. I frowned as the debris of the rainforest poured down the drain. It felt like I was losing a part of what I had gained with the Amazon Coven.

Pulling the white cotton robe around myself, I sauntered back to the bedroom. I wrapped it tighter as I passed the window. If I could so easily see out, someone might just as easily be able to see me. I wasn't in the mood for a peep show. I had a call to make. Laughing to myself, I wondered if Dad had the cell phone glued to his hand in preparation for a ring that could happen at any time. Would he be angry I had waited so long?

Maybe they had forgotten all about me. Two months was a long time, and though it had flashed by for me, it might have seemed endless for them. Why was I procrastinating? Was I afraid of getting in trouble? It was rude of me not to let them know I was safe and sound, content even. _Better late than never._ Or was the fear something more, something unthinkable?

What if no one answered? I wanted them to love me eternally and more than anything. I selfishly didn't want to imagine no longer being the center of their universe. If they'd filled their lives with something more important in my absence, it was because I'd expected and wanted them to; I didn't deserve them.

It took me starting to grow up to realize how truly childish I was, how self-absorbed and uncooperative my first years were with them. Being without my family revealed how I had neglected to think about anyone other than myself. Would they notice the difference? Would they appreciate the control I had found?

My desire to speak to them outweighed my concern that they were beyond wanting to speak to me. I keyed the number incorrectly three times before using speed dial. One click connection. I swallowed hard, nerves shooting up my throat.

It didn't even ring. Well, it seemed like it didn't. _He_ answered instantly.

"Renesmee?" spoke a familiar voice, which caused my vision to blur from relief and adoration.

I hadn't realized quite how much I missed him until I heard him. My brain had put up a protective block, and in hearing his voice, I was reminded of how very far away my home was. My eyes were an instant faucet, and I tried with little success to turn off the tap.

"Hi Dad," I replied, hoping the words were coming out in an even tone.

_Keep it cool. You don't want to worry them._

Crashes of excitement followed, and I listened to everyone talking all at once. Their voices were a little muffled, but it seemed like Dad was purposely refusing to share me by using speakerphone. A million questions were thrown at me, too many to possibly attempt responding to.

Home sweet home was the absolute chaos that often engrossed my strong-willed family members. At the main house there was constant movement: cleaning, games, and other tasks. I had missed the busy bees far more than I was ready to admit to them.

"Please," Dad said calmly, more to the vampires swarming around him than to me. "We can't all talk at once."

"The webcam!" Alice exclaimed.

The others chattered in agreement. I heard quarrels and small scuffles about who would get to be closest the computer screen. While positions were being assigned – Grandmother stepped in and assigned seats – I tried to figure out what I was going to wear.

"You'll want to get dressed," Dad suggested, as if reading my mind.

I didn't look for my backpack, which was the only piece of luggage left with clothes in it. The other suitcase was empty, everything inside having been either stained or shredded beyond repair. I'd left it behind.

"The armoire is stocked," Dad added.

He had said 'armoire' so casually that I didn't speculate at first. Instead, I shifted my view to the side wall and cautiously continued toward it.

I had overlooked the antique desk in my previous investigation. The computer was already set up and powered on, the monitor holding the perfect picture of the three of us on its flat screen. It only held my attention briefly.

I quickly closed the gap between me and the closet and swung open the tall, heavy doors. The smell of cedar welcomed me, and I blinked rapidly at the contents within. A row of neatly hanging clothes filled the space. Several pairs of shoes lined the bottom. Although mostly new, they were all _mine_. I immediately recognized the scents. Greedy for the smells of my family, I stuck my head in further and took in a deep breath of home.

_How..._It was also in that precise moment that I clued in to how strange the concept was that my clothes were there._ Am I dreaming? If I'm dreaming, you can hear me, right? _There was silence. _Right, you can't hear me. _I argued a little with myself, acknowledging the fact that my refreshed longing for my family was altering my normally apt mental state.

"How did you know I would come...here?" _Wherever _here _is._

Dodging my question, Dad replied, "Get dressed and go to the computer, we'd all love to see you."

I put the cell down long enough to throw on some clothes. I found the oak dresser drawers full of more of my things. Tilting my head to the side, I considered how and why my things were brought there.

My will to figure things out was collapsed by the sound of anxious voices. I could hear their eagerness to begin though the phone was on the bed a few feet behind me. I tried to shove away the escalating paranoia as I lifted the phone back to my ear. My revived emotions were going haywire.

Mom explained how to activate the webcam function once I took my position in front of the laptop, and within minutes nearly all of my vampire family was visible to me. If I could have crawled through the computer screen to touch them I would have. I set the phone to speaker so my hands were free, and I spent a few minutes simply looking at them in an attempt to take everything in.

"My clothes?" I asked suspiciously.

In retrospect, Rosalie and Emmett were the likely culprits, having been recently in the area. They could have planned ahead, Zafrina giving them the details of my eviction that would lead me to Buenos Aires. It seemed logical. If that was the case, then why were their scents the weakest? I had smelled each aroma, savoring the flavors of my family, but if Rosalie and Emmett had taken part in the presentation, why did I barely smell them? Shouldn't their scents have been the strongest? Why wouldn't my family just tell me the truth instead of flipping through some log sheet in search of appropriate canned responses?

There were enough of my things there to leave me wondering if they intended to let me come back. The thought made me frown. Did no one want me anymore? A chill crept up my spine. Didn't I want that? Wasn't distance the whole point of the exercise?

"Fed Ex," Alice sang in response, almost like she could see ahead to what I was feeling.

"But..." I shook the disoriented thoughts from my head, realizing how visible my confusion was on my face. "How did you know? You can't _see_."

Was I that predictable? Is that why my family knew so readily where to send their care package? I didn't want to think that they were planning my future from so far away. Yet I had no idea how to alter my course in a way that was my own, in a way they wouldn't be ready for. Alice couldn't see my future, but that didn't stop them from hypothesizing. There were only so many roads I could take, and each path was well laid out.

"It was a calculated guess," Mom answered reasonably. "This location will be pivotal...in your journey."

"That doesn't answer my question," I countered, ripples of anger forming under the surface.

They were dodging again in an attempt to keep something from me. Their evasion caused my mind to doubt safety – mine and theirs - and even more so their affection for me. Had they stopped loving me?

"We sent things to other places too," Jasper announced. "Prospective destinations."

"We spread everything out," Grandfather added. "So that no matter where you ended up…"

I only heard 'everything', and it felt like a portion of my heart had shriveled up. They were trying to completely get rid of me. My hand moved quickly to my chest, and I wondered if that was the same feeling Grandmother had when something upset her. Is that why she moved her hand in the same fashion, to sooth away the ache?

"You would always have a piece of home with you," Grandmother added, finishing his sentence for him.

It was like they had rehearsed the conversation. The enhanced illusion of the webcam made them look like robots. It wouldn't have surprised me to find out they were reading from a script.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Jasper using his ability to calm me. I felt the warmth work through my senses. The relief was instant, and I wondered for a moment if he had found a way to transmit the sensation via electronic device.

When I opened my lids, the surprise on his face made me realize he wasn't directly affecting me, but that didn't stop him from recognizing the instant shift in emotion based on the removal of tension from my face. I had pulled from a special room inside my head reserved for him. Now that I knew where the door was, I could call on him again should the need arise. He leaned closer to the screen, as though perplexed.

"Was this your master plan?" I continued. "To lead me here and purge yourselves of me?

They were pulling puppet strings that let me _think_ I was evolving into something unexpectedly better, all the while guiding me where they wanted me to go - which was apparently away from them.

"No," Mom argued. "Of course not."

"I didn't like the idea of you going without_,"_ Grandmother admitted. "This is my fault. I didn't have the heart to let you go, not completely, without making preparations."

Grandmother offered a reasonable response, and I knew her figurative heart was far too swollen with love to push anyone away. I sighed a little, hoping it was the beginning of a _real_ conversation with them instead of the script they were using. They didn't want me to come home.

Why didn't they miss me as much I missed them? I thought they would be there at my adventure's conclusion, that the choice to go back would be mine, and they would welcome me. I wasn't prepared to coerce my way back into their lives. Maybe a break from my consistent tantrums showed them the life they could lead without me in it.

If the closest I could get to them was a computer application, I would have to be content with it. I couldn't look at the screen, didn't want to see the truth in my speculations. While still in physical control, I tried to think of ways to justify their actions that would keep my heart from completely breaking. I had left a floor littered with eggshells in my wake, and I had given them time to clean up the mess. I wouldn't want to clean up the mess again if I were them.

"You shipped my clothes all over the world," _You got rid of everything._ "Thank you for the kind thought." _You don't want me to come back._

"You're welcome," Mom replied before my tears could spill over. "We had to make room, anyway."

_Make room for what? Something new to focus your energies on? Something that you will get more out of than you got out of me?_

"I replaced _everything_," Alice chirped enthusiastically. "You will need _new_ things for the _new_ you."

"Oh," I said, slightly embarrassed by my overreactions.

Their absent love might very well have aided me in strengthening control where my gift was concerned, but my emotional refrain wasn't syncing. The up and down rollercoaster caused a brief stint of dizziness, and I took a few moments to open Jasper's door inside me, letting his gift force the calm my common sense lacked.

"Did you see Rosalie and Emmett?" Grandfather asked, sidetracking me.

"Yes," I told him."They are bringing back the first of my journals for you to read."

"Delightful!" he exclaimed. "I'm in need of some new reading material."

When I tried to ask about the wolves, they redirected the conversation back to me. I was sick and tired of secrets and evasion. They had always responded to everything I had ever asked without holding anything back. Something had changed. Whatever they knew, they weren't sharing. Something was going on, and everyone seemed to be in on it but me. I was beyond paranoid.

Dad was quieter than normal, at a loss without his attribute to find the truth in my thoughts. He had no way to tell how much I knew. It terrified him and pleased me. The more nervous he grew, the more exhilarated I felt.

"They left on a good note?" he asked, trying to make the words casual. "Rose and Emmett, I mean."

I narrowed my eyes in having caught the accusation in his tone. This was something they couldn't control and an outcome they couldn't alter. I saw the shift in Alice's expression. She was looking for them. Nonchalantly, she moved forward and rested her hand on Dad's tense shoulders. They instantly loosened. The stiffness I hadn't noticed from the degraded screen was now clearly visible in its absence.

"Is that what this is all about?" I snapped at Dad. "Your lack of faith in me?"

Confusion afflicted the group, and I realized not everyone knew what Rosalie had intended. It wasn't my place to share her secret. Whether it was right of her to keep or not, it was _her_ secret. Zafrina was right; I was too open, even with my family - especially with them. While they would never harm me, I could hurt them in endless ways. I did so often and without thought. I needed to maintain accountability for my actions, think about outcomes instead of simply spouting off at the mouth and forcing my visions on others. I needed to borrow some of Rosalie's propriety and refrain.

"I'm very tired," I lied. "I should go."

Immediately, they were all hovering and saying goodbyes, blowing kisses, and waving in the direction of the camera. No one wanted to linger. There was something more than the seven thousand mile distance keeping us apart. I didn't have the strength or continued reserve to pry it out of them, so I closed the laptop and temporarily severed the connection.

Looking behind me at the bed, I felt guilty that it was in such disarray. I didn't remember being such a restless sleeper, but it had been a long time since I was able to stretch out into the comfort of a mattress. When reformation of the bed was complete, I fluffed the pillows to finalize the presentation.

It was then that I noticed the box on the bedside table. Since when was I so scatterbrained? I picked it up and decided against shaking it. The weight indicated something delicate, and I didn't want to risk breaking the contents within. Sheathed in a foam holder was a silvery band, twinkling gems placed methodically across the surface. There were different hues in every crevice. The circular center opened to a watch face, and I felt a strange sound erupt from my throat. Purring, I eagerly slipped it over my wrist.

Perfect. It was absolutely perfect. There was no note, signature, or claim made by whoever had left it there. There was only a tiny card indicating it was mine. Someone just outside eye's view knew a lot more about me than I knew about them. They seemed to have noticed my new preoccupation with time.

I'd never met anyone with precognition like Alice before. Maybe she had an equal in one of _my_ kind, someone who knew I would need the watch, someone who saw me coming a long time before I ever stepped foot in Buenos Aires.

I returned to the main room, sitting by the picture window for a while. I was pleased by what I could see in the people who passed. My room looked to be on the third floor, making me fairly confident it was an apartment complex.

It wasn't difficult to pick out the tourists scattered amongst the locals, with their wide-brimmed hats and sun-screened noses. Blending in with _them_ might be easier than I'd hoped. My attention span was short; theirs was shorter. When assigned a task, I _could_ achieve absolute focus, but it took great willpower and strength to accomplish. Distraction was omnipresent, my human weakness tipping the scales and creating imbalance. My chalky appearance would be easily forgotten.

A child passed by, hands gripped strongly by her parents. She reminded me of a miniature version of Leah. They could have passed for sisters, or mother and daughter. It was like looking at a flashback from when times were less complicated for her. I wanted to write to her, to tell her how things were going.

Guiltily, I wondered how many trips she had made to the main house to check for an email from me, forced to endure their presence without anything to show for it. Vampires made her skin crawl, and I had stopped trying long ago to get her to see beyond what they were on the outside. Inside, they were something else, something she didn't have the strength to see.

My family had no news to report about me either, which would have been the second reason why she chose to go there instead of a public library. How often had she been disappointed by the empty inbox, and how long would it take before she stopped looking?

I missed _her, _missed her strained expressions and how she tried to pretend she didn't like me; yet I was nearly the only person on earth she wanted to be around. We both realized that and accepted it. We had each other, and no distance could weaken our friendship. Lack of communication, however, might.

Determined to get all the formalities of touching base out of the way, I sat on the uncomfortable computer chair. My fingers easily found the keys. I kept things vague, knowing more than one pair of eyes would examine the words. I hoped _they_ made sure to pay extra special attention to the disclaimer. The next email, if Leah replied to this one, might hold more detail. My intention was to provide an open channel for communication. I hoped the bridge hadn't collapsed from lack of use. Weakened, it had room only for two.

_Hey Leah,_

_How are you? Give Seth a kick and a kiss from me - in that order please. I heard he sort of took a tumble. Sorry I couldn't be there. It's probably better they didn't tell me, because I would have made Mom turn around. Then I wouldn't have anything to write to you about!_

_Things are good here. I can't adequately describe the things I've seen, but I know you would enjoy them too. I will figure out how to take pictures with my phone and email them to you. I think you would like that. I have a feeling I might be here for a while._

_The rainforest was wicked - very wet and woody. You would have fit right in there. They sort of kicked me out. Well, not really kicked...more like gently nudged me toward where I am now. I didn't really recognize myself near the end. Living in the wild really isn't for me. You are naturally pretty. I think my beauty is the sort that has to be maintained, something I have to work toward. I will SHOW you what I mean when I come home._

_I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write you. I genuinely lost all sense of time. I didn't realize how centered life is around clocks until I lost two months in the blink of an eye. _

_I am somewhere in Buenos Aires. I guess it should scare me that I don't know where, but it doesn't. After all, I did want to draw my own conclusions. _

_It's different being away from home, not bad, just different. I have to make new routines, new plans. _

_Anyway, I guess I had better go learn about people! That's my next venture - learning more about humans. Wish me luck! _

_I will keep you updated. Please write me back when you get a chance._

_Sincerely, _

_Nessie_

_Disclaimer – The intended recipient of this email is Leah Clearwater. No one else has permission to view the contents within. I promise that any information given to her will be nothing that I do not feel you should know. Please respect my privacy in this request. I trust you enough to leave further emails unopened. Thank you for your attention in this matter._

I fidgeted in the chair, annoyed at how it swiveled back and forth with the force of my typing. Of all the clothes my family sent, I would have traded them all for my _chair_. Maybe it had nothing to do with the chair at all. I had never been this far away from Jacob, or his scent, for this length of time. I was comfortable with the sensation of being stalked; I felt sort of alone without it.

Yet this is what I had asked and demanded from my family - separation. I'd gotten what I wanted and more. Fate had interlaced our strings together. Pulling one moved the others. It was my fault everything was knotted now. I had some untangling to do.

The next phase forward would require more concentration. Defining myself would mean focus, trial and error, and a little luck wouldn't hurt either. Whowas I? Unfortunately, I couldn't browse through a magazine of pre-designed personalities, pick something cute out, and send it back for a refund if I didn't like it. I returned to the window to watch the humans. Maybe they could give me some sort of guidance about my options.

A soft knocking interrupted my contemplation. Someone was at the door, possibly the same someone who owned the apartment I was invading - my mystery gift-giver. I hoped I was dressed well enough to give a good impression. At least I had made the bed.

Taking a deep breath, I walked in the direction of the door, steps toward an unknown future. I was ready for it and feeling strong in everything I had gained so far. As I clicked free the lock, I realized that being prepared didn't make greetings any less menacing.

As I pulled the door open, I felt my jaw drop lightly at the vision before me. Whatever preparation I _thought_ I had done, however ready I _thought_ I was, I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. I almost slammed it back in _his_ face.


	9. Truth

**Chapter 9 – Truth**

I'd seen his face before, but there was something different I couldn't quite put my finger on. He reached out his hand to pass me a stargazer lily bouquet. I saw him look down at the watch on my delicate wrist and smile. I could tell by his easy expression that it pleased him to find me wearing it.

Taking a hard swallow, I nodded. I wasn't sure what to say. Unlike me, he was able to control his midnight-colored hair by slicking back the waves. His collared shirt was unbuttoned at the top, exposing a deeply-tanned chest under a business jacket. When he took a breath, I found myself taking one too. Since he was barely a few inches taller than me, I was closely aligned with his perfectly angled face. All I could see was the honey color of his skin and warm teak eyes gazing- not at - but into my own. He seemed to see straight into my soul, pulling it closer to his

_Say something_. My mouth was dry, the familiar fire of hunger inhibiting speech. "It's lovely. Thank you."

"I guess you don't remember me," he said, a hint of sadness in his slightly accented voice.

He was wrong. While my vision was inherently murky, he was the person who had entered through the forest and saved my life with his story. He was the only male version of myself; half-human, half-vampire. Something was different, but that _something_ was my perception of him. At the time, I had viewed him from innocent eyes as a child would. There was nothing childlike about my view of the man before me, with his smooth skin and muscles rippling under the tailored suit. I'd seen him before, but not without inhibiting naivety clouding my vision.

A strange sensation stirred inside me, beginning at my toes and leisurely trailing up to my thirst-induced, flaming throat. The sensation reminded me of the primal feelings I experienced just before I let my vampire half taker over during a hunt. I swallowed hard in an attempt to find some relief; it didn't help. Instead, I felt something new in the way of a disorienting vertigo inside my head that halted my ability to focus. What was wrong with me?

Feeling faint, I rested myself against the door frame. I was in danger of crushing the lilies he had given me, so he took them casually from me and protected them by placing them in an empty vase in the center of the sitting room table. He was back to me before I had a chance to adequately fill my lungs with a fresh breath of air. _Stop panting, idiot._

"I have upset you," he said, instantly alarmed. "It was not my intention."

"No," I lied. "I'm really fine, just a head rush." _Definitely more than a head rush, but don't tell him that!_

"I will start again," he offered, with a subtle Spanish accent. "I am Nahuel."

"I know who you are," I said, hoping I wasn't drooling.

He smiled then. Obviously, he was more prepared than I was for this meeting. I suddenly realized that he might be able to help me, the two of us being so similar. Who could understand me better? Frustrated that this option hadn't occurred to me earlier, the awe subsided. While still confused about the uneasiness inside me, I felt the discomfort in my throat subside. Breathing slowed, but not by much. My racing heart threatened to explode. Could he hear that? I'd never been self-conscious about my physical responses, but with him staring at me so closely I was embarrassed by my reactions. What would he think of me?

"Are you uncomfortable?" he asked, concern flooding his face.

"No," I replied quickly. _Pull it together. "_I guess I am a little overwhelmed."

"Yes," he agreed. "This is a lot for you. You are so _new_."

I was new, though my mind felt eons old. He had existed for over one hundred and fifty years, and so my short lifetime would seem brief to him. Yet he hadn't said _young_. He had said _ne_w, meaning something entirely different.

"This is _your_ apartment?" I asked slowly, not wanting to allow my words to hitch.

The thought that he had given this up for me brought regret. The decor certainly matched his sharp, businesslike attire. Where was he staying while I invaded his private residence? Existing for such a length of time, he likely had houses all over the world. I imagined villas in Milan or Estate houses in the US. He appeared worldly, and while seeming right at home in Buenos Aires, he was far too refined to be limited to this one place.

"It is a suite in my hotel," he replied. "The Hotel Looking Glass."

Ah, a hotel. That explained it. _His hotel_. It would creatively provide him with the opportunity to observe humans, consistently appeasing his curiosity with new patrons. They wouldn't scrutinize over his interest, knowing all managers cared for the services rendered.

"How do you keep your secret from the staff?" I wondered.

"I change my staff frequently," he replied, no detail overlooked. "I bring them in from outside the city, mostly North America. They maintain a term position and are generally happy when it ends."

This would easily allow him to continue in the same location over an extended period of time. It was smart to cater to tourists by offering a touch of home back at the hotel. While the patrons could experience the local wonders, they could find rest assured that they were safe inside the hotel walls. This man before me was not just another pretty face; he had a brain to match. I was impressed by his ingenuity.

What did he mean, _they were happy when it ended_? Was there more to that? I was used to Zafrina's cryptic responses that caused more questions than she gave answers. Was this a typical conversation pattern? I didn't want to know if it was something bad, because I was already greedy for the swell of heat his presence sent coursing through my veins. _Stop overanalyzing. Go with it._

"How long have you been here?" I asked curiously.

The questions were helping to settle my nerves, though the sensual release of his voice left my heart skittering. His breath was warm on my skin, and I couldn't help noticing how he kept moving closer to me. I struggled to fight the desire to close the remaining distance between us. His coconut pineapple scent stoked the fire in my throat again. He smelled tropical, and I felt the saliva building up in my mouth threaten to drip over the edges. _Get a grip, Renesmee_.

"Not as long as you might think," he said, trying to decide how best to answer me. "Would you care to join me for a tour?"

The tour consisted of two hundred rooms on three floors. I lingered behind him, surveying the paintings that hung ornamentally on the walls. None of them were signed. The details were unique, but they all had a similar subject - humans in different locations doing human things. Unlike the masks in modern art, the pictures were clear and life-like.

"You enjoy art?" Nahuel wondered, strain in his voice.

"They're beautiful," I admitted. "Very realistic. Do you know the artist?"

Of course, he would know many people, painters included. It was a trivial question, but I was curious about him and wanted to know more about the mysterious man that was so biologically like me. How did he differ from me mentally? Was he gifted like I was?

"I know him very well," he replied, delighted by my approval. "I see him in the mirror often."

It took me a minute to comprehend his words. Why hadn't he signed his work? He was proud enough to openly display his paintings. Why not stake claim on his ability?

"You haven't signed them."

"Our kind requires anonymity," he reminded me. While we could be closer to humans than true vampires, we weren't free from scrutiny.

"They really are lovely," I offered, feeling slightly inadequate.

He was exceptionally talented, while I didn't have anything like that to offer – no creative abilities. There were times when I had questioned my gift, my footing, and even my purpose, but never myself. I wasn't overly endowed with confidence like Rosalie, but I knew I was attractive enough with a pleasing form – to most people. Standing with Nahuel, in obvious wonder of him, I felt like I wasn't good enough for him.

I remembered that the only person I had tried to connect to on a physical level had turned his nose up at me. The painful whip of rejection, in conjunction with potential _new_ rejection, left me feeling very displeased with myself. Would he sweep my attentions under the rug as Jacob had?

We ended the tour outside the hotel. The blast of sun temporary blinded me from the glorious view of the garden.

"I should thank you," Nahuel said softly.

I was the one who was being offered lodging and knowledge. I should be the one showing gratitude, not the other way around. He smiled at my confusion, pleased at the slight crease between my brows. Daringly, he lifted his silky hand to my face and smoothed out the line. His touch was like an electric current on my skin that left a tingling sensation with little circuits crackling.

"Thank me?" I stammered. _I may not have enough willpower to keep him from touching me again._

My vision blurred, and I feared the falling would happen soon. He guided me to a bench, and we sat there silently for a moment while sunbeams gently caressed from above. I closed my eyes and let the rays soak into my skin. They ate away the remainder of sparks from his touch, and I cursed them for it.

"Yes," he explained. "You are here in the rain season."

His words were reinforced by my own observations, puddles covering the pavement below. November was generally one of most wet months. It didn't really bother me since I was used to the steady come and go of drain in the rainforest; Forks was equally dismal. I neither missed nor welcomed the sun. What did appeal to me was how it illuminated his perfect face. I wanted to reach out and touch his lips, to trail my finger slowly along the curves. _You have absolutely lost your mind._

"I guess I'm used to the rain," I admitted, trying to look away.

"But your presence," he added, "It tempts the sun."

I laughed, but he didn't join me in the joke. He seemed serious. He was making it very difficult to keep things professional. I needed to think of a way to shift the conversation toward something more business-like before I completely lost it. I'd felt these types of feelings before, years ago. It had ended badly. I couldn't afford to act that hastily again in knowing the potential for loss. The information I could gain from Nahuel was far too important for me to mess things up with human desires. If they were only human, why did they feel so inhumanly powerful?

"Of course," he contemplated. "You have the gift to _show_ but not to _see_."

Now was not the time to be brave and _show_ him anything, though he seemed somewhat eager to see. There was no way I would be able to reign in the explosion of thoughts in my brain. Nahuel was at the center of them all, and I wasn't about to let him catch me thinking about him that way. I'd just met him, and I didn't want to give him the wrong impression.

"Are you gifted?" I asked, redirecting the conversation.

"We all have talents," he said, careful in his wording.

"Your art," I agreed. "That is an amazing talent."

He seemed pleased in the conversation diversion, quickly replying, "It is a hobby."

"More than a hobby, I think."

I ran the rows of paintings through my memory. I guess when you had lived for over a century, even hobbies took on a life of their own. Did the people who he'd used in his art know they were the subject of something so beautiful? Did they realize he saw through what they pretended to be to what they truly were? Maybe that was his power. He could break restraints, obliterate normal reserve and erase inhibitions. Being near him could be very dangerous for me, but it would also help me to get a clearer view of humanity.

"What do you do with your free time?" he inquired.

The question caught me off guard. I didn't have any hobbies. The Amazon had offered idle moments, and I had spent most of them writing or hiking. Kicking my feet, it felt strange that they were dry. There was no squishing sound, as with my constantly wet boots. I missed _them._

"I write," I decided to say.

"Oh?" he replied, instantly interested. "What do you write?"

He moved closer to me on the bench and another waft of his exotic scent drifted toward me. It caught me off balance. I was thankful to be sitting, because every breath of his smell intoxicated me a little more, like a delicious sip of cool pina colada.

"Chronicles," I explained. "About being one of _us_."

The words came out and brought with them instantaneous relief. _Us. _ Someone existed like me that had the same limitations and basic biology. I wasn't isolated.

During growth, I was surrounded by people who had adored, cared for, and tried to make me believe I was an equal to them, while being fully vampires, wolves, or humans. I was none of those things: a half-breed, a hybrid. Having Nahuel so close made me feel almost normal. We were the same - something in between. A large struggle for me was trying to figure out which side to cater to. Being near him made me wonder if he had the same dilemma.

"We are special," he agreed.

"I don't know if special is the right word," I argued.

It didn't feel special being stuck between two perfectly reasonable options. It felt like being placed in a vice, both sides moving closer until there was no room to go one way or the other. I was being crushed.

"I do not wish to fight with you," he countered. "For most of my life I thought as you do. Not any longer."

"What changed?"

He threw his hands in the air, and I wondered how I had managed to make him angry. Then he laughed, and the contagious sound of his joy stilled my heart. Time froze for me in that moment he was happy. I sat motionless, swept up in the thrill of his exuberance.

"Come," he gestured to the street. "I will show you more."

We walked for a while, and I noticed how he avoided answering the question about what changed for him to so profoundly alter his perspective. I tucked it away and would prepare to ask it again when he was ready to answer.

The sights and sounds were unreal. I had never seen so many moving feet. The pleasant weather brought out the crowds, which made it perfect for people-watching. Young couples. Children. Professionals. They all had their own story to tell that was uniquely appealing. We couldn't do anything but look, because the noise made it impossible to concentrate on conversation. I found a temporary bliss in the hum of civilization.

Buenos Aires would answer all my questions in regards to humanity. When Nahuel pulled me through a group of young men, I heard his heart hum in annoyance as they stared at me with hunger in their eyes. I didn't miss how he'd grabbed my hand and pulled me through. When we were free of the group, he'd kept hold of my hand. It felt like an extension to mine.

We broke connection at the waterfront, where a family of four was using the beautiful day to picnic on the sand. There were two children, a boy and a girl. They were content and peaceful without words.

Looking out at the water, I was reminded of First Beach back home. The Atlantic Ocean, full of ships and sailboats, made me frown. The salty, sea smell reminded me of the Pacific – and Jacob. I sighed. Looking back to the family and their blanket picnic, I missed my home and everyone in it.

"What makes your lovely face so sad?" he asked, reaching his hand to brush my chin.

Again, the shock rose from his touch. It was like an electric surge, currents branching out where his skin connected with mine. I wondered if that was how Mom felt every time Dad touched her.

"I'm thinking of my family."

"Ah," he began, not sure how to ease the feeling. "They have upset you in some way?"

"Not exactly," I decided. "They annoy me, but I miss them all the same."

He wasn't sure how to respond to that. I knew his story, knew it was his Aunt Huilen who had raised him. His vampire father had thought it a scientific venture to create more like us. The Volturi had ended him. His mother Pire had died in childbirth like Mom. The difference was that Pire hadn't been surrounded by a loving family that fought to maintain some extent of life. His father hadn't saved his mother. In turn, Nahuel hadn't saved his father when the Volturi came to make him accountable for his actions. Dad had fought with everything inside him to save Mom, to change her. He had succeeded.

Had my circumstances been different, had my life not been full of love, how would I have ended up? How had that affected Nahuel? A new wave of questions crashed into my mind, and I wondered how to word them. Would I be invading his privacy to ask?

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I have a tendency to speak before I think."

I didn't want to hurt his feelings and hadn't thought about how the mention of my family would remind him of his. That silence, that pain, made me realize how selfishly I took advantage of what I had in my vampire family. They loved me - unconditionally and eternally. They were being increasingly secretive, but maybe they always had been – I was just too selfish to notice. Without them as an active part in my life, I felt more discontent than I had been prior to my departure.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he argued. "I owe you so much."

"You owe me?" I said, laughing. "You leave me gifts, bring me flowers, and offer me a roof over my head. You have accepted my invasion into your world, to teach me, to share a part of something that's _yours - _your knowledge, your insight, your life, and _my life_! Let's not forget that I owe my life to you. If not for your story, if not for your _being_ I would be dead, and not just me, many members of my family - possibly all of them. You owe me _nothing_. It is me who owes you _everything_."

I felt myself getting upset which was reflected in the urgency of my words. They were quickly spiraling out of control. My lips were unable to keep up with the thoughts skittering through my mind. It didn't matter to me that the small family of four were packing away their things and leaving. I barely noticed their looks of terror. There was no calming me. Emotional channels were opened and poured freely like the fury of the storm rolling in from the horizon.

"You've upset the air," he said, a smile forming on his lips.

"What?" I replied, confusion halting my rage. _You're laughing at my temper tantrum._

"Look," he explained, pointing to the clouds in the sky's distance. "We should get back while we can."

I nodded and followed him back through the streets with quickened steps. The scene shifted as the clouds won their battle against the sun. In the midst of the bright light, we had to force ourselves through the crowds. In the grips of the descending dark, roles reversed. We were no longer watching the people as we passed. They were watching us, moving apart to allow us through. We were a menacing pair, and they didn't want to be in the way of our destination. I felt sighs of relief as we passed, glad they _weren't_ our destination.

He deposited me in my room with only a swift kiss on my hand to remind me of the day we'd spent together. The sting it left on my skin astounded me. I sat on the bed wondering when the tingling would stop. I wasn't sure I wanted it to.

I picked up my journal and just as quickly replaced it on the stand. There was nothing to write, no astounding realizations that didn't involve personal emotion. I wanted to tell someone about my day without having it pondered over for centuries to come. I wanted to tell Leah.

Flipping open the laptop, I opened the email application. A red flashing icon popped up that alerted me to a new unread message. A new wave of excitement filled me as I opened the response. It really wouldn't matter what she said - she'd responded. She hadn't given up on me.

_Hi Nessie,_

_Thanks for finally writing me. I sort of thought you'd forgotten about me in the big, bad world. Glad things are going so great for you. Wish I could say the same. Having to tolerate the crap going on in everyone's head is super annoying. Everything besides that is good. Seth has been a trooper. He always liked the bloodsuckers, anyway, and sort of took on the task of finding out whether you had sent me anything or not. He didn't mind. I didn't mind. It was a good thing._

_Yeah, your family is definitely weird, borderline committable. That's nothing new. I figured they would be hovering all around me trying to see what you wrote, but they didn't do that at all. They are giving me a lot of space, another good thing. They keep looking at me funny though. They better not get hungry. _

_Have you ever tried to decide on the right perfume and accidently squirted something vile up your nose? You know how it sort of burns? That's what being here is like for me. _

_If you're going to start emailing me more regularly, I guess I will have to come around more often. I'm not really looking forward to that, so you better make it worth my while._

_Really though, we're all good on our end, I guess. I mean, I can't really get into everything, you know. Only so much I am allowed to say and all that._

_By the way, you are in Buenos Aires at Hotel Looking Glass. The other half-breed owns it, Nahuel. Seriously, they didn't tell you that? Sort of rude I think. Anyway, you know now...if you didn't know already. Good luck with that! _

_Jacob's not thrilled about the idea, and he won't stop thinking about it. It's annoying. Sorry, I can't say anything more. The whole Alpha command thing is really ticking me off. I am getting better at sort of going my own way. If I could, I would just split myself into my own pack. Jacob did it; I probably could too. Then, I could still fulfil my duties, you know?_

_Anyway, your family is annoying me with the - trying not to hover while hovering- thing, and I am getting sort of dizzy from trying to hold my breath so much. Next time, I am bringing a giant nose plug, as if that will help._

_Talk to you soon._

_Leah_

_Disclaimer – What was THAT all about anyway…seriously…overdramatic much?_

I found a sense of calm in her words. It was almost like having her talk to me. It pleased me to know she had used Seth as a scout. A second in command needed to be a good tactical planner too. My fingers flew on the keys, and I wondered how I would take everything I wanted to tell her and fit it into one email. I would try to keep it as brief as possible, knowing my family would leave this one unread.

_Dear Leah,_

_I am glad you were able to write back so fast, and it was a great idea to have Seth check for you. Brilliant as always. I didn't get any pictures today, but some will be coming soon._

_So you know about Nahuel, but what you don't know is that he is the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen. I am not even sure I can actually put it into words. He bought me a watch, brought me flowers, and took me for a lovely stroll to the ocean today. _

_I didn't get much accomplished in the way of self-realizations, but I did figure out a ridiculously important fact...I didn't realize, I mean, I don't really know how to say this in the right way...I didn't know there could be anyone else who could -move- me, could knot up my words and make my insides burn like...you know who. Nahuel did. I felt like giddy schoolgirls do in the movies, all love struck and awed. I guess I felt something a little less innocent than that, but anyway. _

_He is an artist. You should see the beautiful paintings he does - all of humans in their comfort zones. He is incredibly gifted, and refined, and gracious, and full of compliments. He's sweet. So I am going to try not to mess this up like I did before, and I won't tell you anything else if you don't want to know, but I had to tell you this one thing, because...well, what I am saying is, if there is hope for me, then maybe there could be hope for you too. Maybe there's a chance that what you feel inside, maybe you can beat it. Maybe there's something else out there for you. And it really does sort of hit you like a ton of bricks. It's uncontrollable._

_So, let me know what you think, and whether or not you want to know anything else. I guess it doesn't matter what you say to Jacob, because in a way he needs to know too, so he can stop feeling guilty for something he has no control over. He should know I could be happy, and he doesn't have to regret not wanting me anymore._

_Can't wait to hear from you!_

_Nessie_

I had already clicked the send button when I regretted what I wrote. There was no going back, no taking back anything I had written. Maybe I didn't want to. I had never talked to Leah about Jacob. That was always an invisible boundary we never crossed. I definitely had no desire to go around openly broadcasting my rejection. I had kept it successfully from everyone, even Dad. I had shared portions with Mom in the car on the way to the airport and now with Leah. If Leah had questions, she would ask. In all likelihood, she knew it all anyway, only from Jacob's side. It was only fair for her to know my side too.

My family's secretiveness made me want to be all the more open, all the more determined _not _to hide things. Honesty was important, necessary in stepping forward. Finally letting the secret out felt really good.

Nahuel might or might not be attracted to me, but I couldn't spend my life worrying about rejection. If I was going to be absolutely honest, I might as well start by being honest with myself. I was pretty. I was smart. Just because Jacob Black didn't want me didn't mean that no one would _ever_ want me or _shouldn't _want me. I wasn't the one who had imprinted. That was his problem, and no new feelings I felt would ever replace what I felt for him. I wasn't rebounding. I was moving on with my life.

I needed the chance to be happy, because I deserved it. I needed to fly by the wind and stop trying to force nature. I could enjoy this new experience without it stopping my search for identity. I would figure out who I was like normal people, a little bit at a time. There was no reason I couldn't have some fun along the way.

Closing the laptop, I moved toward my bed. For once, I was excited to go to sleep. The sooner I lost consciousness; the sooner I would be awake and could see Nahuel again. This excited me. Stripping off my sweat-drenched clothes, I slid into the smooth cool of the satin sheets. I'm pretty sure I purred myself sleep.


	10. Temperature Fluctuations

**Chapter 10 – Temperature Fluctuations**

Waking up was rarely a pleasant experience, but that day I hurried to get ready. The steady shower revived me, washing away the lethargy from prolonged sleep. Standing in front of the closet, I wished Alice were there to give me a wardrobe opinion. Should I wear something professional or try something daring? I decided on a combination of the two - a blue satin blouse under a black jacket. A pair of sleek dress pants gave a flattering fit. I finished the look with a pair of wedge-heeled ankle boots. Surveying myself in the mirror, I decided it was the perfect combination of sexy and suave.

My hair was another battle. While I liked the way it fell down my back, it could easily become a snare trap in the wind. I gave the weather outside a passing glance before braiding back a front section of hair. This would keep them out of my face while still allowing my bronze ringlets _some _freedom. Pleased with my effort, I hoped it was effective in catching his eye.

In the sitting room, I leafed through some stray magazines to bide away the time. It was only nine o'clock, and while I knew it was inevitable that I would see him eventually – it was his hotel - I had no idea when.

As if he had read my thoughts, there was a knock at the door. I forced myself to approach it slowly so as not to appear too eager. My heart would undoubtedly betray my efforts as it thudded loudly. What if he could hear me breathing from the other side of the door? I stopped and listened for a moment, trying to hear him. _Crap, Renesmee. Smarten up._

Giving in, I tore open the door. I smiled when I saw him standing with another bouquet of lilies for me.

"You'll spoil me," I warned him. "Thank you." _Swoon._

I took the flowers and added them to yesterday's arrangement, which were still filling the role of floral air freshener.

"Should I not?" he returned. "Pretty flowers - for a pretty woman."

I felt the warmth in my cheeks as the pink covered my ivory skin.

"Maybe roses next time," he considered. "To match your coloring."

No, I hadn't managed to hide anything, but he didn't seem offended by my reaction. Actually, he seemed quite pleased. I swallowed hard, wondering if I would ever get used to the fire in my throat when he was around. With the mild irritation came butterflies, desire, and anticipation. It was a trade-off I welcomed.

"I don't want to keep you from your guests," I assured him. "I would rather my presence didn't completely throw off your schedule." _Offer to go with him. This is the perfect chance for you to be around them._

"You could never be a burden," he quickly countered, daring me to argue. "I seldom interact directly with the patrons."

_Well there goes that idea. _How could he develop a true sense of human behavior if he didn't interact with them directly? He ran his hand along the side of my cheek and my curiosity dissipated, replaced with a tingling sensation that remained on my skin where his fingers had been. While not as intense as prior contact with Nahuel, it was no less shocking. Nor did it solidify the liquefied feeling in my knees, which caused me to lean into him for support.

I felt the heat from his body, the smooth muscles in his chest tightening under my hand, but it wasn't a stiffening of dread. We stood there like that for a moment, and I felt his pulse quicken along with mine. Each pounded into my palm and I wanted to stay there forever; the drums beat out my own personal song.

He was neither embarrassed nor surprised by my reaction to him. The physical contact we'd made hadn't caused him to cringe in disgust as I might have expected based on previous experiences with similar feelings.

"We will sail today," he announced, breaking my reverie. "My yacht is prepared for us."

I spent the stroll to the pier hoping I wouldn't get seasick. He held my hand again along the way, and I liked the idea of being claimed.

The atmosphere wasn't rushed there. Steps were taken in an unnaturally slow-motion pace. At least they seemed unnatural to me since I had spent a large portion of my life with vampires, who regardless of their ability to act human, had a tendency to speed things up in private. Each step took the walker in the direction that they _wanted_ to go, not _had_ to go. Nahuel looked over at me and smiled. In that moment, I wanted to progress slower still, drawing out and lengthening our time together.

I didn't get sick, thankfully. The gentle rocking of the boat settled my nerves. We spent the morning drifting and taking in the views of the Atlantic.

Nahuel briefed me on the differences in Buenos Aires, the wealthy North versus the working-class South. From the water it was easy to see the line drawn between them. I hadn't been able to figure out why he had chosen the city until he explained that. One side was ever-expanding ocean, and the other side was an endless grassland.

"We are so much like the city," he said, sighing "Split."

The city was full of contrasts. Like Nahuel and I, it pulled from opposite directions.

"I know what you mean," I agreed, moving over to stand beside him. "But we are neither the North nor the South. We are the lines that separate and define them."

"It's not a line so much as districts," he explained. "We have multiple options. We can choose from three paths. You've not yet decided which path to take. Once you have chosen your path you will understand the difference."

My indecision was obvious, and he knew that this part of my venture would involve weighing those options. I'd only considered two. Had _he_ decided? Was he keeping his decision quiet because he was afraid it would alter mine? It might.

"Three?"

"Yes," he replied. "The middle is the easiest course. It involves neither being a vampire nor a human - you can be both. I am not referring to a mental decision to gravitate one way or the other, but an actual physical choice."

My confused expression had him continuing, "In _theory_, you could be bitten, physically transformed into a full vampire. In _fact_, you can also go the other way. I have tested the truth in the second choice. I spent two years as humans do: eating, sleeping, and _aging_."

That revelation left me without words. He _was_ different, visibly older than the seventeen year old boy that had appeared in the meadow with Alice and Jasper. The possibility existed to live with humans, eating and continuing through their short life cycle. I could grow old, afflicted with that mortal weakness.

On the other side more appealing questions arose. Could I have a family like the one picnicking on the beach? They likely wouldn't be as well-behaved, but then again, they wouldn't have the 'stranger danger radar' most human children were programmed with.

Looking back to my previous stint as a mortal, I knew the answer. Eating human food brought with it imperfection, basic functions that I had found bothersome at the time. If my reproductive functions could ignite, then it would seem only logical that I could do as he was suggesting. While it was only a theory, and something I might never wish, having the _choice_ to be a mother delighted me.

I couldn't help but consider the opposite end of the spectrum, too. If bitten, I would no longer lag next to my vampire family. I could finally be an equal to them, no longer slowing their progression. I would lose the mask which allowed me to exist alongside humans, but would gain much more. I would be faster, stronger, and more powerful. This option was equally thrilling, leaving me more confused than I was to begin with.

If I made no choice I would be stuck in the center, never fully achieving either potential. Yet I could continue to taste both worlds with flavors on either side evenly appealing. It was the selfish choice, the unfair choice. _Should you have your cake and eat it too?_

With this realization I understood his father's desire to create our kind experimentally. Joham could have been creating hybrids to find a positive medium to both worlds, with the desired result to unite both species. The idea of him trying to bind all creatures together changed my perception of him.

"I can see the thought process behind your father's experimentation," I admitted.

"Yes," Nahuel agreed. "Only recently I have done the same. It's been a frustrating process for me, torn between anger and awe. I have difficult moments believing blood must be shed to provide peace. Humans and vampires alike share that misconception."

"And you are _sure_ about fully becoming human?" I wondered. "I mean, I see the aged skin..."

"I am venomous, Renesmee," he stated. "Neither my sisters nor you are. When I took on the challenge of being human, it took only months for the shift to begin. I started to age, very slowly at first, barely noticeable. After about a year, I was advancing as mortals. Their time-line was my own. This is when the venom finally filtered out of my blood. But, as you know, the vampire side is very enticing. I lost my way, and here I am middling once more. So that choice was not permanent. Becoming a vampire promises permanency. This is why that side of the coin is merely a speculation, a theory. It can't be taken back. It makes sense though, the ability to shift. Mortality is such a brief thing, temporary. I feel that if I had someone with me we could maintain mortality together. Two are stronger than one, yes? Sometimes, though not often, I wish my father was here so I could work through and hypothesize on certain things."

"You'd like to be human?" I pried, trying to figure it out. "That is the side you gravitate toward?"

That was different than how I felt. My natural pull was toward the vampire side. He was constantly surrounded by mortals, while immortality had always blanketed me. It was a difference in how we were raised, how we developed, and how we existed.

"I'm not sure," he admitted. "I am not a scientist. I am an artist with passion about my sight, my feelings. I'm not swayed by the mechanics behind the machine."

"You miss not being able to ask his opinion," I noted. "You miss him_._"

"No," he replied, sure of this. "What he did, even with valid intentions, was wrong. Cross-breeding should not happen. The Volturi were right in their reaction. They have refined wisdom. It's shameful that they are viewed by many with such disdain. They create balance when others would destroy both sides - mortal and immortal. It is a difficult position to need to see another side, especially when you are sitting so content on the opposite one."

_Cross-breeding should not happen. _This replayed in my mind, and while I wasn't sure what I thought about it, I did know that neither he nor I would exist if fate was never tested.

We might never share the same opinion in regards to the Volturi, but my view was biased. They had tried to kill me, after all. It was difficult for me to view that as a logical decision when it was so personal to me.

"They drink human blood," I argued.

"Humans fight to protect animal rights; yet they eat animals," he countered, slowly calculating. "Food chains."

He gripped the side of the boat so tightly that I saw the pressurized white of his knuckles. I understood his struggle and was facing the same one that didn't seem to have an end in sight. Unlike me, he wasn't new to such things and had long lengths of time to accept what he was. Was middle ground the easiest route?

"I asked you a question before," I spoke, saving us from our silence. "What changed for you?"

Nahuel removed his hands from the boat's side to turn away from me. I had hurt him to the point that he couldn't even look at me.

I cautiously reached my hand toward him to take away his discontent. He shook under my touch, and I thought I might have frightened him. Instead of taking, I gave him a vision, something peaceful and serene that would help him. Flipping through the pictures, I could think of nothing better than a replay of the speech he gave in the meadow. I added memories I thought related. The worry. The fear. I flashed brief encounters prior to and after he had saved us. I wanted him to see himself as we viewed him, how _I _viewed him. I wanted him to feel safe in opening up to me by showing him I felt the same.

He turned, and I couldn't tell whether he was distraught, angry, or happy, because every expression displayed at once. He was full of emotion, and though the wind was strong, rocking the boat, I could still smell his tropical perfume. My stomach lifted, and I prayed that I wasn't getting sea-sick. I felt dizzy, but not nauseated. The butterflies were scattered, chaotic. They might soon rip from my skin and spill out, fluttering around us in a sight of spectacular glory.

"You can show," he said, his voice overpowering the crashing waves. "But your view is one-sided."

_Are you saying I am narrow-minded? _I rebutted him, but the words wouldn't pass my lips.

Instead, I agreed, "I am very selfish. I'm trying to work on that."

Was this the moment I'd dreaded, where he would tell me I wasn't good enough for him? Would he explain that the feelings were not reciprocated? Better now than months from now, when I was completely lost to him. I wasn't as saddened as I expected. Defense replaced worry when I considered that he hadn't properly received my gift – that was a pretty low blow to my ego. It was the only thing I had never doubted or questioned the strength and clarity of. I fumed, folding my arms tightly across my chest in a defiant pose.

"No, no," he countered, his conflicted expression shifting to concern. "You misunderstand."

"Now I can't understand?" I spat. _What's wrong with you? Stop arguing with him._

"Please," he said, gesturing to the bench seat. "Sit with me. I will explain everything. Don't be upset with me. _Please._"

His urgency perplexed me and instantly stilled the rocking rage. Why would something so trivial make me lose control? Sighing, I remembered it had been forty-eight hours since I had last hunted, and while I rarely needed to feed more than once every few weeks, the humidity mandated that I replenish my supply much sooner. Between that and the consistent elevation in my heart rate, I was due for a snack. I tried to ignore the hunger, the burn rippling in my throat.

We sat, and he gently took hold of my hand. I marveled over the differences in our skin tone, his caramel coloring impossibly dark against my ivory. I didn't take my eyes away until he used his free hand to lightly lift my chin and forced me to face him. My skin sizzled in response to his touch.

"Things were very different for me," he began. "My upbringing was not quite the same, as you know."

I nodded, staring into the warm of his teak irises. _Concentrate on his words, not the sound of his voice. He is actually talking to you; listen to him._

"I spent years full of regret, tormented by my very existence," he continued, body shaking at the severity of his words. "I was a killer, an abomination. I was a creature spawned from two worlds that would never openly accept me. I deserved this. I _murdered _my own mother. How could I think I deserved _life_?"

He was right, and I could never know how that torment lingered in his heart. He regretted living. My entire family, a family he never had and could never have, loved me more than anything. They fought for me, cherished me, and were without regret for my continuation of life. I wasn't their end. I was their beginning.

"I cannot explain to you how very troubled I have been," he added.

"I'm sorry," I explained, tears forming because I truly was sorry for all that he had been through.

I couldn't change the past for him, but as genetically similar as we were, we could never overcome that major difference. Our pasts were opposite. Could our future find a central connection? Neither he nor I were individual balance. Would the two of us, together, create balance?

"You have nothing to apologize for," he said, wiping the liquid away. "You saved me when you were just a small child."

"I saved _you_?"

"You saved me from grief. You saved me from anger. You saved me from hatred," he declared. "When I saw you in the field, I couldn't know how your presence would impact me. I came as a favor to Alice, who as you know, is impossible to deny."

I laughed lightly. He knew her well enough to know she was good at getting her way, a power-talking extraordinaire.

"When I saw you, saw how so many came to stand beside you, to witness, something in me changed forever," he continued. "I began to understand that there could be something more, and that what had happened was not my fault. I was the consequence of some great tragedy, but I didn't have to live my life in regret."

I smiled wider then, in knowing the effect my family could have on people. It weighed on my heart to be unable to share this moment with them. They would need to understand, how their love saved someone's soul. It would please them to have done something so right. It would redeem their opinion of themselves, which was evil by default. If Nahuel could see this and grow, they could as well. Maybe he could offer them the same kind of release they had offered him in his witnessing of their boundless love.

"You still do not fully understand," he explained. "Their love, it encircles you. _You_ are not a tragedy. You are the light that fights the darkness. You are the center of everything that holds them together. Your importance, which you cannot yet see, is beyond any power in existence. I have waited my whole life for someone like you."

"And here I am," I said, fresh pink painting my cheeks. _You make it so easy to believe._

"So to answer your question," he said in a serious tone. "What changed me? _You_ changed me. To have you here now, right next to me, I could scream from delight. I am sorry for the...refrain. I felt if I came out with all of this in the beginning, when you were already so overwhelmed...I thought you would run. I didn't think you were ready to hear it. I wanted to give you some time to adjust, but I find that the more that I am with you the harder it is to keep anything from you. What you give, you give so freely, and I fear that I may not be able to stop taking. I needed to give you something back in order to even the ground between us."

Even if we had been standing on solid ground – which we weren't – it wouldn't have been even. He _wanted_ me. He _more_ than wanted me. There was no doubt in his mind. His course was set. We were so very alike, on opposite ends of the spectrum. I felt my chest swell, the feelings within dancing to the accelerando drumbeat. He had to have heard it, because I could hear it over the waves crashing into the side of the boat.

Nahuel leaned forward, and I lost myself in the smell of his skin. When his lips hovered inches from mine, my breath hitched. I pulled his aroma into me, tasting the sweetened fruit in the air that was him. His lips were soft, giving, and the warm expanse sent shock-waves through me.

I'd felt like that only once before in my life, and while I didn't want to think about it then, not in that moment, _his_ face appeared in my mind. My first kiss - the greatest learning experience of my life - was nothing like that. Roughly two years prior, I had kissed Jacob Black. For the first fragment of a second, I had thought he might have died. His body had stiffened, went completely rigid. He had forcefully detached from me, disappearing into the woods where he had instantly phased. He hadn't returned to human form for two full weeks. It had happened _that _quickly. In that split second, I had changed both of our lives. Consequently, I had also changed the lives of everyone connected to our life strings.

I'd kissed Jacob with all the passion I felt renewed for Nahuel. Where Jacob had froze, Nahuel melded to me. My stray hair ensnared his hands as he wound them through it. I lost control of my lungs, unable to decide which of us was breathing. He touched my lips, my cheeks. Time flowed freely, no mark possible.

If not for the jolt of the boat reconnecting with the dock, I wouldn't have known we were moving. Still in a dizzy haze from the kiss, I trailed behind him to the hotel. The ground, which should have seemed steadier without constant movement, was more disorienting than the consistent rock of the water.

I was less than thankful when he dropped me off at the door, brushing his lips on both my cheeks. At that moment I wanted him to come inside, because I was not ready for him to leave. Thankfully, he hadn't lost his good sense. He left me there alone to regain composure, and I leaned against the door frame for support.

It wasn't until much later that my head stopped spinning, and I was glad he hadn't taken advantage of my obvious weakness. Laughing lightly to myself, I thought Dad would approve. _I won't be telling him _this. _Maybe I could tell Mom. No...that wouldn't work very well either. Leah, then._

I moved to the laptop and flipped it open. The flashing icon pleased me, because it meant that I had a new message in my email inbox.

_Dear Nessie,_

_Wow. That's...definitely exciting. I have the house to myself today. Seth is watching their TV and eating food they _have_ to be buying for him, because it's not like they eat, you know. I'm pretty sure they don't realize he's a wolf. I don't think he realizes he is a wolf either. Maybe in some past life he was like...a vampire bat. At least then he could fly away!_

_So the guy...that's a twist I didn't see coming. Kiss him yet? I don't want you sparing details. Torturing certain wolves is expected. _He's_ making so many rules lately. I wish I could put this all away, take a break from it. If I had a good reason, something to try for, maybe it would be easier to keep from phasing._

_Sam and Emily are finally getting hitched, in about a month. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. Wish you were here. Living vicariously through your little love story helps, oddly enough. At least one of us might get a happily ever after, you know?_

_Anyway, Seth passed out. Go figure. I have to clean up his mess before the vampires come back and have a tantrum._

_Take care, and try not to do anything I wouldn't do. Ha!_

_Leah_

Her words dampened my euphoric feeling. She'd only casually mentioned it, but Sam and Emily getting married would not be something she would take lightly. Could she find the strength to wash herself from all of it? More than anything, she wanted the ability to have her own family. If she was able to give up phasing for long enough, to put away that side of herself, maybe she could have that. If I could be human, she could too. She _was_ mostly human already. I imagined us neighbors with our kids playing together in the back yard. While our faces were perfectly visible, there were clouds covering the faces of the men at our sides. I shuddered.

_Dear Leah,_

_Don't worry about the mess Seth leaves. It will give them something to do to break up their neat, tidy existence. It doesn't surprise me they would cater to his needs. He's nearly impossible to resist._

_I had a wonderful day with Nahuel. We went sailing, which was not the greatest part of the adventure. We kissed! Not a friendly little peck on the cheek. It was different, impossibly difficult to turn away from. I feel so...uninhibited with him, happy._

_We had a long talk, and I figured out a lot of things. I haven't made any decisions, but one thing is clear. We were meant for each other, something beyond biology._

_The most important thing I realized is that I have a choice. I can become human if I want to - live a full life that comes to an end as normal things should. And it would change me, change what I am. I am wondering if you don't have the same opportunity. If you could stop phasing, stop the shift, I am wondering if the lock of time that keeps you frozen, that keeps you from fulfilling your dreams of a family, has a key. What if the key is forcing time forward, the warmth of potential melting away what keeps you stuck in what you are. Would that be the added incentive you might need to try?_

_I want to share my happiness with you, to give you a piece of it. Maybe this idea is the closest I can come to helping you find your amity._

_Give Seth a kick and a kiss from me!_

_Love you both!_

_Nessie_

The silence disturbed me once the clicking on the keyboard halted. I realized that I had something to write about. There were facts that needed to be documented. Moving to the bed, I finally lifted the journal that Carlisle had given me from the stand.

_Entry 1 – A beginning. I have three options. 1. Vampire. 2. Human 3. Both. Each option provides a unique opportunity. Each has negative consequences that cannot be overlooked. I have not decided which potential is best for me, but I will investigate as best I can all possibilities by writing a list of pros and cons. Whichever list is larger, I will have to assume my subconscious is helping me make the choice I cannot seem to make consciously. Hybrids age in human form. It is not a temporary shift. You cannot rewind time. If living a human life, it is a full human life. The option exists to return to dual state. Tested by Nahuel – now two years older. Once shifted, normal human biology ensues. Once shifting back to dual state, functions cease. No - not cease. Functions freeze. They aren't dead, aren't without the ability to exist. They are frozen, dormant._

Closing the binding, I felt the hunger build again in my throat. I wondered if Nahuel had plans to take me hunting, but I couldn't wait around either and risk appearing too needy. I pushed away the strain, finding it more appealing to sleep than to worry about the burn. _Tomorrow,_ I promised myself, which calmed me enough that I easily drifted off. Deeply lost in the pillow, all cravings stilled as I slept.


	11. Rude Awakenings

**Chapter 11 – Rude Awakenings **

It took several loud thuds to interrupt my slumber. Groggily looking over at the window, I vaguely remember mumbling something about the darkness. A glance at the clock gave me an insight as to why I was still tired. It was barely one o`clock in the morning. I threw on my robe and dragged my feet across the floor to the door. Yawning, I was confused for a few minutes to see her standing there, before clueing in as to why she would show up in the middle of the night.

"Hungry?" Kachiri asked.

The very thought of nourishment had my throat flaming and mouth watering. I ran back to the bedroom, throwing on some comfortable hunting clothes. We were at the hotel's entrance in less than five minutes, where the security guard passed us a wary glance. I wondered if he was afraid _of_ us or _for_ us.

"Be careful, ladies," he warned. "The streets are dangerous at night."

We nodded, and I don't know how we managed to keep from laughing - dangerous streets were no match for us. I hadn't seen this guard before, but I wondered whether or not he knew I was in the care of Nahuel. Would he call him and tell him I had run away with the strange, exotic-looking woman beside me? My heart picked up in anticipation, as though his worry alone would prove the emotions I was sure I had felt from him on the yacht.

We travelled quickly, the shadows masking the advanced speed at which we moved toward the outskirts of the city. I had known I would have to leave to feed and had already been researching maps to determine the best location. With civilization's lights behind us, our pace further increased. I drew in a deep breath and tried to keep up with Kachiri, who made no effort to slow her steps.

The silence between us unnerved me. I knew she rarely had much to say, but she had always seemed particularly quiet where I was concerned. Before I brought that matter to her attention, I wanted to be beyond the ripping hunger that was scorching my throat.

There were ample choices for prey, many of which I was already familiar with: jaguars, tapirs, pumas. I wasn't exactly in the position to be picky. When I spotted the tapir, though it was not my favorite flavor, I pounced.

The hunting went on for a while, until I regretted being so gluttonous. With an overly full stomach I moved toward Kachiri, who was already waiting for me, a wall between me and Buenos Aires.

I moved to her, wiping at the corners of my mouth. I had inherited Dad's grace in feeding. He somehow managed to kill wildcats without so much as tearing a single, white shirt. Though he never admitted it, I was pretty sure he could read animal's minds too, knowing their next move before they could spring. There was no other way he could remain so consistently unscathed.

The finest hunting adventures I had ever experienced were with Jacob. In the beginning, feeding was all about competition, but as I grew older, I learned how effective working together could be. We were a menacing pair. I drained, and he cleaned up the mess. Teamwork.

I frowned in realizing all the pain I had inflicted on myself by ridding my thoughts of Jacob over the last few years. I didn't want to forget him, but sometimes it felt like I didn't have any other choice. Remembering our time together brought with it too much hurt and regret for me to enjoy the happy memories.

In being able to look ahead to my future, my past didn't seem as painful. As a direct result of Nahuel's returned affection, I was moving on. Had Nahuel broken the imprint?

About halfway back to the city, I decided to attempt a conversation with Kachiri. "Thank you." _Good start._

"I told Zafrina you wouldn't think to eat," she replied shortly. "She was sure you would."

"I guess not," I conceded. "I got distracted."

"Yes," she agreed. "I knew you would be."

A familiar sadness flooded her face, and I tried to look away and pretend I didn't see it. It wasn't the first time I had witnessed that same woeful expression from an Amazon Coven member. I knew prying was rude and sometimes dangerous, but I let my placated hunger guide my words. Veins full and refreshed, a power surged through me.

"Did I do something to offend you?" I asked.

I could have easily followed our scents back to the hotel if I needed to. If she got angry, she would simply turn and leave me standing there. She had the choice whether or not to answer me, but I hoped she would.

"No," she answered sharply.

"You just don't like me very well?" I continued. _That's an understatement._

She grumbled under her breath, but continued to lead me back. I decided not to press her further; because I could tell having taken me to feed had strained her. She was the only link I had to get updates on Zafrina and Senna, and I wanted to use what little time we had left to find out how they were doing. I took a deep breath, trying to match her quickened pace. I was thankful when we entered the outskirts of the city, which forced her to slow down.

Kachiri begrudgingly answered my questions about her coven with responses that were short and to the point. There was no lingering desire to maintain conversation with me, and I was satisfied to know everything had returned to normal for the Amazons when I left.

"Can you pass them a message for me?" I asked. _I know you're going to, but it's polite to ask and not assume._

It would be my final request, because the animalistic features on her face grew a little scarier with every step closer we got to Hotel Looking Glass.

"Yes," she agreed, gritting her teeth together.

"Tell them I think of them often," I began. "But I am learning new things."

My excitement bubbled over. Her poor disposition couldn't stifle my happiness any longer. I still wanted the others to know how well I was adjusting to the new phase of my journey. It would please them to hear that, whether it pleased her or not.

"Nahuel…" I said, stars forming in my chocolate eyes. "He's extraordinary."

"I know," she curtly spat at me.

_Crap._

I instantly clued in to what the problem was. It was the same reason she had acted awkwardly from the beginning at my presence. It was the same sadness I had witnessed with Leah. Kachiri was yearning for an unrequited love. In turn Zafrina ached because of her sister's broken heart. I was the cause of her jealousy.

"I'm sorry," I offered. "I had no idea."

"I know that too," she said, softening her voice a fraction.

"Why didn't someone tell me?" I demanded. "Before..." _Before I went and fell in love with him._

"Sometimes you have to see things on your own," Kachiri decided. "Without allowing outside eyes to influence your decisions. This is your journey, Renesmee…not mine."

"But…" I argued. "Had I known, I wouldn't have let it go this far." _Yes, I'm absolutely in love with him. Crap._

I wouldn't have let it come to that if I had known. Well, I would have tried not to. In truth, unless I could have used Alice's foresight, I wouldn't have believed such strong emotions could manifest in such a short period of time.

"You _think_ you know him," she responded with words full of regret. "You still have much to learn."

I considered that. Would it have changed anything had I known about her feelings? I didn't want to hurt her, but could I have changed the course of my heart even if they had explained things to me? It was too late to ask those questions.

"I'll stop," I decided. "I'll leave." _It will tear me in two, but I will do it for you…for them._

"You can't," she replied, strength in her words. "I wish for him to be happy. I wish for _you_ to be happy. I hold no ill will toward you. In truth I am glad it is you and not someone else, a stranger."

He didn't want her, couldn't be content with her. She wanted him to be happy. That didn't stop the sadness she felt about not having been his choice.

Decidedly, love was a far more complex venture than my family made it out to be. Their love seemed easy, free flowing, and unrestrained. I knew it hadn't always been so simple for them, but I only had stories to help me paint that picture. My parents had overcome their own triangle to get to where they were. Why should my own love come without difficulty?

"What happened?" I wondered. _Can I keep from making your mistakes?_

Whatever the story was, maybe there was something in it that could help me. Maybe I could do something differently, be something different that would keep his interest. He was worldly and refined. I had training in that. Granted I had never used that training much, having spent most my childhood surrounded by a pack of wolves, but I would be prim and proper if he wanted me to be.

"Nothing," she said somberly.

If there was no specific cause, how could I prevent the same thing from happening to us? Was he even mine to keep? I felt a piece of her sadness flow through me as though I had already lost what never was truly mine.

My heart hitched, and I had to stop along the sidewalk to control myself. I opened Jasper's door inside me, releasing a wave of warmth that kept me from going into full cardiac arrest. I had experienced Jasper's calming emotion an uncountable number of times; it was almost like I could mirror it without him present.

"It isn't about _who_ I am, Renesmee," she said, trying to take away the worry. "It is about _what_ I am. He has strong beliefs."

I replayed his words in my mind, _cross-breeding should not happen_. My jaw dropped. Would he deny himself love with someone because they were not the same biologically? Yes - his beliefs were strong, and I had only gotten a small taste of what they were. He was not pleased by his father's choice.

Even if it wasn't me specifically he had planned for, it was me who he had found. I was the only one genetically different than him, while still being _his_ kind. I wasn't his first choice. I was his _only_ choice. He had made sure to tell me how special I was, forcing the words on me until it was impossible not to believe them. He had waited his whole life for someone like me, and he had finally found me. Fate stepped in, answering both of our questions, lining things up perfectly in a way that showed we were on the planned path that led to one another. I couldn't bear to overlook that.

Kachiri stopped suddenly, and I nearly tripped trying to still my gait. Her forced smile dug at my guilt some more.

"Please do not let this alter your course," she pleaded. "I didn't want to tell you; I struggled with truths."

"I wish people would stop trying to hide things from me," I stated, annoyance superseding my guilt.

"I'm sorry," Kachiri admitted. "It was wrong. I do wish you happiness too. You have a way about you that makes it impossible not to love you."

"It's not just you," I argued. _I can't trust anyone lately._

The annoyance spread into a full wave of anger. All I wanted was the same openness from people that I offered them. I expected truth and had no more tolerance for lies. I wanted upfront, brutal honesty. I deserved, demanded, and _was_ going to get it.

"I'm sick and tired of people lying to me all the time," I grumbled.

She smiled then and shook her head.

"Great," I added. "Now you're laughing at me. Perfect."

"No," she argued. "You misunderstand."

"_Not_ the first time I heard _that_ today," I said, skulking up the street.

I was still being treated as a child by everyone I knew. Their intention was to protect me, but all they were doing was causing me pain. If they could not see me as an equal, as someone they could trust, what good did any of my experimentation do? They weren't taking me seriously. No one took me seriously. What would it take for them to realize I was matured? I was complete and ready for whatever truth existed.

Kachiri caught up to me for long enough to say one more thing. "Be careful what you wish for Renesmee. Sometimes the truth we seek is more than we can accept."

_Great. Fantastic, even._

I shoved my hands in my pockets and stomped my steps into the pavement the rest of the way to the hotel. I wanted to see Nahuel so I could explain what I knew. I wanted him to know he didn't need to keep it from me anymore. There was nothing that could keep me from him. I wanted him to know how I felt, how he made me feel, and that no small thing from his past would ruin what we were building together.

A light at the end of the alley caught my attention, and I stopped mid-step. Peering closer I saw there were people inside a lit tent. When I turned to further investigate, a hand extended from the darkness to my arm. I yanked it free and fought back a hiss. An old man stepped out from the shadows with a body so seemingly frail I felt guilty for the force at which I had detached his grip.

"Nothing back there for you, pretty lady," he warned. "Only death. Besides, I'm next in line."

_Next in line for what?_

Defiantly, I lifted my chin.

As I continued down the alley, I heard the stifled cry. I backed up two spaces and considered running around the hotel's side and in through the front doors. That's what I should have done. I hesitated for a moment too long. That was when I heard his voice. I was pulled closer by a soothing whisper that hypnotized me.

The smell of fresh blood both nauseated and enticed me. If not for the absolute shock in catching him feeding, I might have joined him. Nahuel stood by a wooden table which held the remains of the drained corpse; the dead man's aged arms hung limp over the sides. Nahuel glanced in my direction, horror showing in the reflection of his eyes – my horror for witnessing it and his horror for being caught.

_Run_ shouted my mind, but I couldn't hear it. I was paralyzed by every emotion I had felt in my life pooling together and becoming weights at my feet. Emotional concrete. The blood trickling from his lips got lost in my tears. The sudden sadness was more than I could bear, and I collapsed in a heap by the door, death's vision overpowering consciousness.

**#**

I woke in my bed with Nahuel pacing at its end. I backed up as far as I could before the solid wood started pressing uncomfortably into my spine. I was trapped.

"I want to explain," he said frantically. "Please hear me. You can make your decision once I have finished."

I blinked, unable to respond. I had no choice but to listen, because there was nowhere to escape. He was blocking the only exit.

"It's a kindness I am offering them," he began.

"A kindness?" I screamed, the sudden rush of voice void of volume control. "Taking their lives is a kindness? I thought…" _I thought you were different. Like me._

Foolishly, I had assumed things would fall perfectly into place. I had thought he was a vegetarian. No signs were otherwise visible in his teak eyes. No red irises led me to believe any different. What I hadn't considered was that because of our hybrid state, the color wouldn't change.

Kachiri was right about the truth; it had split my heart in two. I didn't want to know it, and I would never forget it. I was dying from the inside out. The truth was killing me.

"These humans," he explained, trying to ignore my obvious pain. "They _ask_ for death."

"Ask for death?" I whispered, not believing it possible. No one wanted to die. No one chose death.

A borrowed memory flashed before my eyes. It was of my father, standing before the Volturi when he had asked for that same fate. If they had listened, he would not exist – _I_ would not exist. If they had listened, my mother would be dead as well. Thwarting destiny altered more than the present. It messed up potential futures.

"They are sick, old, and know death is coming," he argued, the passion in his words nearly keeping me from speaking again. "I give them _peace_ by taking away their pain, torment, and waiting."

"It's not your choice to make," I choked out.

"You would prefer that they suffer with their human frailties?" he demanded. "You would rather have them beg for death, knowing it is coming, and suffering until it does?"

No - I wouldn't like to see anyone in that kind of pain. It didn't change the fact that death was a process of life. It came at its own pace. It was no one's place to make that sort of choice in regards to another's life. Though a better reason than killing for self-preservation, it was no more noble. He wasn't what I had thought him to be. My vision had been clouded by desire.

Running through every moment Nahuel and I had shared, they led to that finalization. While I found out before he was able to tell me, he would have eventually had to share that secret with me. If he'd explained it to me first, then seeing him bent over a lifeless corpse might not have been _such_ a dramatic shock.

Had he deliberately withheld the truth in hopes to ensnare me deeper? Was this how he would make sure I couldn't get away, couldn't do anything but smile and nod and accept him for all that he was? I had bought it hook, line and sinker.

"You drink human blood," I stated, appalled in having said it out loud.

"And if I promise to stop this service, would that change your view of me?" he suggested, his passion boiling in his words.

"I…don't…know," I admitted.

He moved menacingly toward the window, heaving the curtain to the side. The storm which had begun while I was asleep ripped through the open space, water pooling in onto the floor.

"What will make you happy?" he shouted, fists colliding with one another in frustration.

I cowered on the bed from his continued angst. Noticing my fear calmed him enough that he stopped pounding his fists together, but the tight edge to his voice remained.

"You…" I stuttered, tears flowing freely. "You're not who I thought you were." _You're a monster._

"What do you want from me, Renesmee?" he growled, pacing once again.

"I…I don't want anything from you," I stammered, too upset to think coherently.

The storm raged on, outside the hotel and inside the room that no longer felt like mine. No longer was it an exuberant space. It was narrow. There was barely enough room to breathe. The walls were closing in on me.

"You're impossible!" he exclaimed. "I understand why you would be upset, but for goodness' sake child, please find some common sense in that thick skull of yours."

"I am _not_ a child," I argued, folding my arms across my chest.

"Then stop acting so childishly," he demanded.

"Get out!" I yelled, words bouncing off the walls and out into the crashing storm.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying once more to get me to hear reason. "Maybe we should speak about this when we are both a little more in control of our emotions. I will give you some time to reflect on things. You deserve that. I hope you will try to understand my perspective and my reasoning. I am upset to have hurt you, but I am finished apologizing for _who_ and _what_ I am. I stopped hating myself _because_ of you, but I can't start again _for_ you, whether I love you or not. Please find me when you are ready to move past this. I will be waiting…however long it takes."

With that he moved briskly toward the door. I'm not sure whether his anger caused the thundering slam in closure, or whether the wind sucked it shut behind him.

"You love me?"

He was gone and couldn't answer, but it wouldn't have changed anything if he had confirmed his feelings.

I used my cell to call the airport, but lost connection moments after hearing the recording that all flights were cancelled because of a hurricane. The storm continued outside, matching the dangerous mood in the room. I couldn't sleep, but was unable to move from the bed. I sat there staring blankly ahead while listening to the destruction beyond the glass that mirrored the destruction of my sanity inside. Was I strong enough to survive the storm?

Love wasn't supposed to be so explosive. It required a degree of compromise, but I wasn't sure I wanted to, or if I could, negotiate something as important as diet, especially when said diet included murder. Nahuel had stated his intention to stop for me, but I didn't want to make his choices for him. He needed to have beliefs similar to mine.

Frustrated by myself and the entire situation, I cursed and thanked the storm which held me captive in Hotel Looking Glass.

**#**

I spent one full week in my room, dragged from it only once by Kachiri who threatened to kill Nahuel if I died from starvation. She might have too. I didn't want him harmed, but I didn't want to see him either. Being boarded up in _his_ room was somewhat torturous, but I knew it was not permanent.

The hurricane named Moirai did some serious damage along the coast. She destroyed cell and internet service and grounded commercial flights indefinitely. All airports were busy unloading supplies for aid. I considered trying to trick destiny and declaring my intention to stay. My bad luck would guarantee that an opportunity would present itself to leave.

I was trapped again in a yellow moment, caught somewhere between green and red. I wanted to confront him; I wanted to run away. So I stayed in the room making no choice, hiding behind the after-effects of a disaster I could have evaded had I really wanted to. Moirai was an easy target for my blame when what I should have done was take a long, hard look at myself and why I had allowed this to happen.

Disappointed by my inability to rationalize, combined with how I felt about Nahuel's affinity for human blood, sucked away my ambition and drive to do anything but lie in my bed where I slept on and off. Sometimes I managed to pull myself to the shower, but the invisible weights on my feet didn't allow that often. It felt like the shackles were permanent, and every time I tried to sit down and think of how to fix things, the pain left me gasping for air.

He never knocked on my door. I never heard a peep from the outside. When I left with Kachiri to feed was the only time the room was cleaned. It surprised me that they knew I was gone, as though I was being watched more closely than I realized.

The next week brought with it glimmers of hope. The Internet connection was fixed, but not cell service. It further pained me when I saw that I had no unread email messages. Where was Leah? Had I upset her too?

My sadness didn't matter. It was all temporary. I would see my friends and family sooner than later. I would be coming home as they all expected - a failure in my ventures for self-awareness. Could I ever look Grandfather in the eyes again? The softness of the bed annoyed me, and I moved instead to the stiff, discomfort of the floor.

At the closing of week two, I realized the mourning had stopped. It no longer mattered what Nahuel decided. I wouldn't force him to change who he was – or anyone for that matter. That was wrong. I had no right to demand such a thing of him. Who was I? I was just a girl who happened to be half-human and half-vampire.

The feelings I had for him, even in the midst of my brooding state, had not changed. They had not diminished in the slightest. At the core he was still the same person he was before I had found out about his feeding habits. Past the sadness, anger, and unease I realized I still loved him. Just as everyone loved me for everything that I was, both good and bad, I loved him with the same unconditional capacity.

I washed away the regret and worry before deciding it was time to leave. I wanted home, the comfort of familiar faces and friends. I was thinking rationally again, and I knew they wouldn't give me the '_I told you so_' speech – not for a while anyway. It wouldn't matter to them that I hadn't completed my journey. They would just be happy it was over. Their pleasure to see me would come without restrictions or explanations. Once I had regained my footing, I would talk to Nahuel again - if he ever wanted to speak to me again after how I had treated him.

I walked quietly through the corridors, moving at night so as not to arouse suspicion. I wanted to tell him goodbye without making a big scene of it. His room was at the far end of the third floor, and while I had never seen it, I followed my nose toward his tropical scent.

Outside the door was a small, square box. There was no handle or visible lock. I ran my finger over it cautiously, which cause a red light to flash and opened the door. _Hybrid Activated?_

Knowing I should knock first did not stop me from walking inside. He wasn't there. I could tell instantly by the diminished pineapple-coconut. The set up was similar to my own room, but the colors were much darker; leather replaced wood and there was no giant picture window. Had he designed the room I was in with me in mind? I swallowed hard, nearly losing my willpower.

Further observation found me gasping lightly. There was a wall of nothing but computer monitors. Each screen showcased the occupants in each room of his hotel. That was how he effectively observed without temptation. He knew and understood his limitations and made the most of them, creatively designing a way to observe from a safe distance.

Near the wall's center was a noticeably larger screen that had my skin crawling. It was my suite. I blinked twice, discomfort settling in. I watched the cameras shift, showing the full expanse of nothing but the sitting rooms.

He always knew when to approach, when I would be ready, or when I was unavailable. He had been watching me the whole time. Beyond the personal sense of invasion, I was relieved. This proved he was not purposefully harming humans. Did it also mean he honestly _was_ trying to bring them peace?

_You're not a killer…just a bit of a creep._

Having overstayed my welcome, I turned back to the door. Something caught my attention. The art easel I saw surprised me more than the surveillance display. I moved around the canvas to get a clearer view. Staring back at me in the midst of black and grey smears were two familiar eyes – mine.

Humanity's alternative was visible in the unfinished piece of artwork. In it the shadows surrounded me, welcoming me to forever night. He was painting me as a vampire, and I didn't like it.

In that moment I decided who I wanted to be. It was the only thing that would guarantee protection from me. I would become human. It was the only option. While there was no guarantee I could find the strength alone to maintain that short existence, it was the safer option.

As far as being alone - I would let love find me. I knew that would happen, didn't hope but _knew_. With all my faults and imperfections I deserved that completion. Turning, I silently thanked Nahuel for his role in helping to determine my path, and while we would not walk down it together, he had guided me toward my final destination. I was no longer angry with him. Nor was I remorseful for what I had gained in our short time together.

Content with my choice, I nearly skipped down the hallway. I needed to go home where I would explain all that to my family. It would be hard, but they would respect my decision, understand and appreciate how it made sense, how they would also choose the same destiny if given the same option I was blessed with. They would choose to be human too.

Ripping through my hotel room door in anticipation, I nearly missed the two vampires sitting impatiently on the sitting room sofa. _She_ held a small bag on her lap, obviously meant to accommodate my traveling needs. _He_ sat with his hand on her arm, looking distressed.

Before I could panic, I felt a calming warmth flow through my body. However delightful the experience, it couldn't last. They didn't read my mind nor did they know about the decision I had made to go home only moments before. Something was wrong, and I didn't have time to ask what it was before they were pushing me out the door.

"I'll explain on the way," Alice said. "We have to hurry."


	12. Homecoming

**Chapter 12 – Homecoming **

Our rush to the airport didn't permit casual conversation, nor was I able to infer further details about what happened. All I knew was that it was something urgent enough to have them retrieving me. Images of my family whipped through my mind, despite my attempts to keep the dreadful thoughts in check. I couldn't stand to lose any of them, and the pained expressions on the faces of Alice and Jasper alerted me to what awaited me in Forks. The disaster that pained them was not hypothetical. Disaster had already struck, like the massive Hurricane Moirai whose wreckage was still clearly visible beyond the runway.

"What happened?" I whispered.

"I'm not sure of _everything_," Alice admitted. Catering to the look of disapproval on my face, she quickly added, "I will tell you what I know, but it isn't much."

I believed her. I could tell by the confused expression on her face that she needed answers as desperately as I did. Jasper washed some of the negative emotions away, but he couldn't entirely negate the concern.

"What _do_ you know?" I persisted.

Alice took a deep breath. Though not requiring the oxygen, she needed the air to propel the words. That's exactly what she did. Uncharacteristically, Alice knocked me off balance with what she bluntly explained to me. I could only assume that the emotion behind the words had forced her to expel them in such a fashion.

"Emily and Sam are dead," she began, ignoring my immediate shock. "I didn't see it. I still can't see what happened. I knew something was coming, but I didn't know when or why or how. It's all very clouded. I can't see beyond the screen they put up. All I got was a glimpse of Emily's funeral through Charlie's eyes when he was trying to comfort Sue."

I blinked, not really registering what she said. The confusion kept my sadness at bay. It didn't make sense. Why would that cause them to fly seven thousand miles in order to fetch me from South America? I cared for them, yes, but they weren't exactly a directing force for me. They weren't my family – which at least meant that my family was unscathed. My guilty relief quickly subsided when I thought about the ripple of change and who else such a shift would affect.

_Jacob. _

My heart hitched. The shock value of the news immediately gave way to panic in imagining how this would have made Jacob feel – or worse. Was he hurt?

"And you came here to get me," I continued, working through it in my mind. "Please tell me Jacob's alright."

"Jacob..." Jasper replied when Alice gazed at him for support, unsure how best to explain. "He killed Sam."

"That's really all we know," Alice assured me.

"Jacob," I repeated quietly.

I felt my insides rip in two. One half was relieved to know he wasn't hurt. The other half was sick to think he had killed Sam. Could Jacob do such a thing? I sighed, the weight recapturing my heart. He hadn't been _my_ Jacob in a long time.

The wolves were notorious for temper tantrums, and it was plausible that he had lost control in the heat of an argument, but would it have happened with Emily so close? Regardless of what he had become, I still found it difficult to imagine him as a killer. The possibilities played out in my mind – Jacob, Paul, Leah…any of them could have been involved. All thought was blocked when the plane descended, and the reality of home replaced the terrible visions in my mind.

Unprepared for the gleaming light that protruded from the sky, I watched Alice and Jasper hesitate inside the airport entryway.

"I didn't expect the sun," she said cautiously. "I was too preoccupied to look for it."

"I'll go get the car," I offered.

She handed me the keys, and as I walked away I heard her whisper to Jasper. "We haven't had to worry about the sun for a while."

"Just over two months," he speculated.

I shook off the implications, focusing on the task of finding her yellow Porsche. It wasn't exactly subtle, definitely not something I would consider leaving in an airport long-term parking lot, but it wasn't like we were gallivanting in a city with high crime levels either. The hardest part was getting them into the car without anyone noticing. I surprised myself with how quickly I had learned to predict basic human reactions.

Taking a step into oncoming traffic - even slow airport traffic - was enough to have all attention directed at me while they slid into the car. I didn't stick around to witness the driver trying to explain to the guard that a crazy woman had _really_ run in front of his SUV, and that yes, he would have stopped had he seen her coming. Was he concerned that he might have hit me? _Cute._ _I will be like you soon, and then it truly _will_ matter how careless I am._

The drive to Forks didn't consist of reminiscing as I'd hoped my homecoming would. While Alice and Jasper were curious about my adventures, this particular journey wasn't about me. It was about getting to Jacob and making sure he was okay. Even if he didn't _want_ me, it didn't stop me from caring about how incredibly horrible he would be feeling.

That's what I missed the most, his constant companionship and knowing he would always be there for me no matter what sort of ill-fated circumstance I put myself in. I missed knowing that no matter how unfair and foolish I was, he would be waiting to laugh or shake his head in disapproval. I missed the predictability.

When I had kissed Jacob, it was like I had broken everything about our connection - even the imprinting bond. Maybe when my lips touched his, the forces of gravity holding him to me shifted and moved into me. Could I have freed him and imprisoned myself?

I had thought when I met Nahuel that things could be different. I had thought my future could have a happy ending, but as with all things in life, it wasn't so simple. I cared for Nahuel - truly cared for him with feelings beyond friendship. I wasn't angry with him anymore, and I was past feeling disappointed. What I was and what I intended to become would not change because of Nahuel's choices.

For all I knew, I would see Nahuel again, and we would shift toward humanity together. If that happened it needed to be for the _right_ reasons. My reasons needed to be based on more than hormones. His reasons needed to be based on feelings, not on convenience. He needed to map out his own course, instead of trying to coordinate his life with mine.

His beliefs about cross-breeding might prohibit Nahuel from ever finding solace away from me, especially if he couldn't come to terms with the one woman who fit his criteria for a future. That wasn't my burden to bear.

Physically, Nahuel and I were matched. I was attracted to him, as he was to me, but we were definitely at different developmental stages. The one thing we might have had on our side was time, but I had already given up on the prospect of forever. My path was set. I wanted to be human - even though it would kill me. Death could never be as scary as imagining myself at the other end of that table where Nahuel had stood. To even question my strength for a fraction of a second was enough to alter my course. I had made my decision and knew it was right.

When we pulled up at the main house my family members were all standing on the porch - except Grandmother. Grim expressions prohibited the joy that should have come from my arrival. I felt the fluttering in my chest strengthen as they moved toward me. Alice twitched. Had she seen something? Her generally pixie-like movements were more like those of a pallbearer.

"It's that bad?" I squeaked out. _Please tell me everything. No more secrets. Promise._

I felt an instant relief in knowing my thoughts were heard. Dad nodded, coming to stand beside me. I could tell he wanted to embrace me, but knew there were more important things to deal with than pleasantries. There was nothing pleasant about whatever had happened, and I was just about to get an overwhelming amount of truth. Could I handle it?

We carried on what sounded like a one way conversation as we started up the steps. Everyone hovered around us as he ushered me toward the door.

_I need to find Jacob._

"Soon - you need to speak to someone first."

_Who? _

"Seth."

_What does Seth have to do with this? _

"You need to ask him. He isn't talking to the rest of us, and he's so incredibly fractured I can't see clearly what's happened."

_What makes you think he will talk to me?_

"He asked for you."

_Why would he ask for me? Where's Leah? _

"One question at a time, please. First - I don't know. We wouldn't have sequestered you unless it was absolutely necessary. Second - no one knows. That's something we need you to ask him."

When I stepped through the door, everything stopped. My heart. My breath. Time itself.

Seth lay emotionally broken and helpless on the couch. His body was curled into a tight little ball which was rocking back and forth. His weeping reverberated in my ears. My eyes were an instant puddle, and I wasn't sure whether I had the strength to walk over to him or not.

Grandmother stood near him, looking frantic. When Seth stirred, she reached out her hand to comfort. She pulled it back instantly, torn between needing to nurture and letting nature run its course. She wasn't sure what the right thing to do was.

"Just…be careful," Emmett advised, showing me a rip in his skin that was still regenerating. "He's sort of…unpredictable right now."

_Always my bodyguard._

"Seth," I whispered, moving forward with care as not to startle him.

Seth let out a wail. Half-wolf. Half-boy. The wolf seemed locked inside the boy's body.

I watched my vampire family shift quickly when I reached my hand down to touch him on his shoulder. They were ready to jump in should the need arise. I felt no fear. The only thing I felt was the overwhelming urge to protect, comfort, and remove whatever this pain was that tormented him. There was no choice. To save his sanity - save his life - I needed to act. Permission or not, Seth needed to be healed, and I was the only one capable of the type of healing he needed.

_Dad…_

"Yes," Dad urged. "Whatever it takes. Fix him."

I sat beside Seth on the couch, and he didn't flinch away, but his rocking grew more rigid and agitated. I wondered whether or not I was too late to do anything at all. Whatever he had witnessed had really messed him up, and unless I was able to strip it from his mind, he might never come out of his convulsive state.

I thought about the choice I was making, and wondered if I would be strong enough to hold the images I planned to take forcefully from his mind. Taking a quick survey of the room, I saw my entire vampire family standing united around me. What internal power I had, their love multiplied it by ten times the original capacity.

Placing my hands gently on either side of Seth's temples, I prepared for the transfer, which I hoped I was ready for. I couldn't afford to doubt myself. I needed to act swiftly. Determined to help him, I pushed away any inhibitions I had about my ability to complete the task.

He twitched, and I wondered if it was in part due to the fever. He was hot, detrimentally so. While his general temperature ran much higher than normal people's, it was elevated even for him. I felt my skin sizzle lightly as I began to channel.

I showed him small bits and pieces of the scenery I had saved for him. They were things that I knew would appeal to him: bikini clad women on the beach, slick cars, and ocean sailing. Anything that I thought might side-track him enough to give me a few more conscious minutes, I pushed into his brain.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I would find. Like before, as with the man in the woods, things started working backward in my mind. As I pulled from Seth, his memories swam through my head, and I physically struggled to keep my hands on him. He was shaking too much.

_Help me hold him. _

I let my thoughts continue to work their way into him, filling the space in my head with what he had witnessed. Dad helped me restrain him, seeing everything I was seeing from both ends of the channel.

The entire scene was void of emotion, like a rapid replay of basic events that moved by too swiftly for me to register the feeling that went with them. Specifically, I was able to see the actions, but not the emotions that connected to those actions. In reverse, I watched Seth leave the main house. He had barely made it there, but knew this home was as close to his home as anything. He needed to get help but had gotten lost in finding the words. Seth's backward journey showed Jacob killing Sam. Sam had lunged at Seth, who had tried to stop Sam from killing Leah. Then there was another door, where Seth had walked into the room to see a bleeding Emily lying on the floor and a stunned Leah standing in preparation for her own death by Sam.

I took that all away, knowing I had to make a split second decision about whether to keep going. How much should I take away? How much was too much? I let Seth's body guide me, and once he stopped shaking, I started to sever the connection.

My breaths were uneven in my lungs. I was suffocating. The calmer Seth seemed, the stranger I felt, spasms moving through my muscles. I needed to make some sense out of the pictures, needed a few moments to regain composure. I wanted to scream in agony for what I had witnessed. It was all so quick that it was impossible for me to concentrate on any segmented piece of thought I had taken from him.

_Please - I need a minute. Air. Can you bring me outside?_

Dad moved in an instant, releasing Seth who lay paralyzed on the sofa. He scooped me up and rushed me out the door. Mom joined us outside, while the rest of my family watched from the window. I knew they could easily hear everything that was being said, but they were giving me some space, us some space.

"What…did you see?" Mom asked, golden gaze flitting back and forth from me to Dad, the question meant for whoever would answer first.

"It's very disorienting to watch it all backwards like that," Dad admitted. "And what you took…he won't remember that?"

"I don't know," I sighed, nervousness sinking in as I wasn't exactly sure what the consequences of my magic would entail. "I can only hope."

"From what I can see," Dad began. "Seth and Jacob arrived at the scene after it had already begun. Emily was already gone. Seth attempted to protect Leah, who was not defending herself. Sam lunged for Seth, and Jacob stopped him. So that's a part of it anyway. We are still missing the instigation of the attack."

"Leah killed Emily?" Mom asked, voicing what was on both of their minds.

"No," I argued, irritated that they would think that of Leah. "She wouldn't do that, _couldn't_ do that."

"The wolves," Dad explained. "They cannot be predicted. You can't possibly know that for sure."

"And you can't know for sure she _did_ anything," I countered. "We need more details. Regardless, Jacob _has_ to be feeling responsible right now for what he has done…and I don't know if he will be able to see how it was unavoidable."

"_That_ I agree with," Dad said.

"What led her there to begin with?" Mom wondered.

Dad stood, contemplative. He and Mom looked at each other with the same expression I had seen on their faces when I had run off into the woods to ask Leah to join me in the Amazon. Mom had thoughtfully suggested her as a companion, and it hadn't dawned on me at the time why. They were trying to alter the future Alice had seen the morning they had given me their blessing.

What indirect decision had brought about Alice's vision? Alice couldn't see the wolves in her special way and removing Leah from the situation didn't change anything. Whatever they thought they knew about Leah, they were wrong. She might have been involved, but she would not murder anyone. I was certain of that.

It was time for the truth. I felt the sting of deceit in realizing they had purposely kept it from me. Instead of telling me, they had tried to protect me by allowing for my journey, wanting me a safe distance away. They couldn't know it was me who would have to clean up the mess. I couldn't fault them for not wanting me to be in the midst of the chaos. Would it have changed my course? If Alice had told me what was going to happen, would I have left?

_You knew._

"Yes," Dad said. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you. Please understand that our intention was - is - only to protect you."

_Lies didn't prevent this from happening. You have to be honest with me. You promised to listen._

"And I am listening," he assured me. "They set a date."

"A date?" Mom asked.

"For the wedding," he explained. "That was the only thing I was able to hear from Seth. He felt guilty for telling her."

My heart sank in imagining Emily as a bride, finally. Her moment was stolen from her, possibly by Leah. Would that have been cause enough for Leah to commit to an unjust act of rage? It certainly would have caused emotions, but would they have been uncontrollable? She would have wanted to confront Sam and Emily. Regardless of the tolerance she had built up against their love, a move as big as marriage would definitely tested her resolve.

I thought back to my emails from Leah, reading each of them through in my mind. _Sam and Emily are finally getting hitched, in about a month. I'm not really sure how to feel about that, I guess._ I sighed and replayed my own emails back to her, realizing how my words might have caused her current state. _Maybe there's a chance that what you feel inside, maybe you can beat it. Maybe there's something else out there for you. If you could stop phasing, stop the shift, I am wondering if the lock of time that keeps you frozen, that keeps you from fulfilling your dreams of a family, has a key. _

I shuddered, falling instantly to my knees before they could catch me.

They hadn't read the emails, couldn't know how my insight would be the catalyst for disaster. Dad had seen them now. He was unable to find the words to comfort me, to remove the guilt. My good intentions had backfired. Leah had taken my words and used them to give her strength, a hope that shouldn't or wouldn't have existed if not for me placing it there. I didn't want her to reach for the past. I wanted her to look toward the future. I should have known she wasn't ready for that.

_I caused this._

"I'm afraid so," Dad said with closed eyes, not wanting to admit it to me.

"I have to fix this," I muttered. "_Can _I fix this?"

"You _will_," he assured me. "You are not the only one at fault. You may have been the cause, but her actions were her own. You did not _make_ this happen."

"I need to find Jacob," I mumbled, unable to relinquish blame.

I felt dizzy. My muscle spasms were replaced by a wave of exhaustion. I couldn't afford to be tired, couldn't sleep until I found Jacob. I had spent a great deal of time trying to run away from the attachment I had to him, and in leaving Forks I felt as though I had made some definite advances in getting over my feelings for him. When I allowed myself to think of him, his rejection no longer knocked the wind out of me. I was mentally strong enough to face him again, and I knew he would need me to be. It was all that mattered. _He _was all the mattered. But I didn't have the physical strength to find him. Using my ability to take memories drained me.

"Hop on," Emmett said, moving swiftly through the door and crouching so I could climb onto his back. "You're going to need me there as back up, anyway."

"If Seth wakes up instruct him not to phase," I advised Grandmother. "He will listen to you. He trusts you."

Emmett started toward the woods. Mom and Dad were on either side of us. I could tell by Dad's uneasy expression that he would have preferred to dart out in front of us so he could see what sort of situation we were stepping into. He couldn't bring himself to leave me. Worry strained his movements. It wasn't _me_ he should be worried about.

There was no choice but to press onward. This situation needed to be rectified before any more time passed. How could I mend the pain? How would I defend Leah and prove her innocence? If I stripped the memory from the entire pack it wouldn't matter whether or not she was guilty.

The easiest thing to do would be to sit them all down, one by one, and remove it from their minds while they were in human form. In the meantime I would need to make sure they didn't phase, didn't have access to each other's thoughts. It could take hours, maybe even days, to do a full sweep. I didn't have the strength for that. Did they have the strength to go that long without phasing? They wouldn't trust me to allow that kind of intrusion without Jacob's direct influence. How would I approach the subject with Jacob? What if he didn't want to talk to me at all?

I had no choice but to try. It was for the good of _everyone_: the wolves, the vampires. If I was successful, I would be the only one able to access the horrific memory, which I could handle. I deserved that for confusing Leah and for making the mess to begin with.

Finding Leah would be another matter, a secondary task that I would begin once I talked Jacob into letting me manipulate _his_ pack. Even if he agreed, I couldn't go ahead with the plan until we found her. If she resurfaced and phased before I could heal her, it would remove the clean slate I was offering them. She would make them relive it all over again. The result would be devastating.

There were a lot of loose ends that needed to be considered, and I felt the strain of responsibility threaten to collapse what physical strength remained to maintain in a conscious state. The warm flood of calm was instant, and I knew Jasper was behind us.

Holding tighter to Emmett, we pressed onward through the trees toward the land line dividing Cullen and Quileute territory.

I blinked, only momentarily able to survey the newly erected cabin which sat perfectly placed between the dividing lines. It caught my interest, but _he_ commanded my full attention. Jacob's russet fur swayed lightly as he paced back and forth between the invisible boundaries. In the ground was a deep groove, a pit formed from his prolonged pacing. His paws were coated with the fresh earth, and the smell of campfire warned me to keep from running to him as I wanted to.

On his line away from me, he caught my scent and paused. He chuffed and continued to pace. His line back to me found him glancing to see whether or not what he smelled was real. He breathed out through his nose once more before howling. It sounded like a cry, and I couldn't stop from leaping off Emmett's back to go to him.

Emmett caught my arm, and I tried to jerk it free. I heard Jacob growl, which immediately stopped my resistance. He was out of control, and I wasn't about to invoke a fight between him and Emmett - especially not with the other thirteen wolves in human form circling around him.

They were no farther away than the surrounding trees. They were impatient and straining to keep from phasing. It was hard for them to watch their Alpha in such a state. Those who had been under Sam's leadership now gravitated to Jacob for answers, for guidance, but he was unable or unwilling to assist.

"He Alpha'd us," Embry moved from the crowd to say. "We can't phase. He's been like this forever."

Quil nodded at me, coming to stand at Embry's side. He sniffed twice and turned.

Walking away, he said in a smart tone, "Five bucks says he eats her if she tries to talk to him."

"You're on," Embry retorted, following him. "No way he'll touch _her."_

I looked to Dad for guidance. He had no intention of letting me anywhere near Jacob. It wasn't safe. While he felt a greater respect and kinship with the wolves, it didn't stop him from doubting their control. I wasn't scared. When I didn't find the answers I wanted in his golden gaze, I looked to Mom.

"He won't hurt her," Mom said, determination in her words.

Emmett released my arm, and I walked cautiously toward Jacob Black. Jacob snarled and snapped his jaws, which caused me to flinch a bit. I felt the vampires behind me close their distance, and I pushed back my hands from my sides in an attempt to get them to back off.

_Trust him. Trust me._

Jacob continued to pace. He kicked the dirt with each step, causing pieces to fly toward me. I moved my hand to wipe some from my face and tried to swallow down the nervous lump that had formed in my throat.

I tried not to show fear, but knew the truth was apparent in my elevated heart rate. I somehow found the strength to move closer still. I wasn't scared of him hurting me. He would _never _hurt me, not even in his disarrayed state. I was afraid of not being able to help him, like he was too far gone for me to salvage any small remainder of his sanity.

With every step taken to bridge the gap, his pace came quicker and stronger. He was trying to intimidate me, but it wasn't working in the way he hoped. I was only a foot away – one step away from being in his direct line of movement. My heart ached, and I wanted to rip it free from the confines of my body and offer it to him as penance for what I had done. He stomped away from me, and I stepped into the groove formed by his heavy feet. The dip was at least half a foot deep, visibly shortening my height.

The vampires stood their ground. The shifters stood their ground. All were ready to take action should the need arise. All were ready to protect me at all costs. While Dad was the fastest, his speed would only allow him the morbid benefit of being the closest to me when I died.

I didn't fear death as I once had. My plans for mortality had given me a new insight, something to look forward to. If I died now my only regret would be that I didn't fully have the chance to live the human life I'd chosen.

As Jacob turned, pacing back toward me through the rut, I saw what looked like a tear. His pace was steady, and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see it coming. I was shaking, breath coming out in quick gasps. Maybe I was a little scared after all. I smelled the space between us, and the scent shifted. The campfire fizzled, and I felt his warm breath blow back my hair from my face. A soft, wet nose brushed against my arm. Instinctively, I patted his muzzle.

Feelings I had kept locked inside me for years came rushing out. While I tried to maintain focus on the task at hand, the pleasure I felt from being so close to him made it impossible. I couldn't keep from weeping. It had been too long since I touched the soft silk of his fur, too long that I had been without his haunting aroma. I was torn between wanting to fix him and wanting him to fix me. We were both broken.

He nudged me once more, and I realized what he wanted. I gripped the fur behind his neck and hauled myself onto his back. Leaning in, I sensed the ground shift below us as he lifted from it and darted into the forest. The witnesses gasped, unsure whether to follow or to stay.

We ran for what could have been miles. This had been one of my favorite pastimes - riding free on his back through the trees. He was fast, and it felt like we would never stop; nor did I want us to. What were we running from? Or running toward?

When we broke through the tree line into the open field, his speed increased still, and I held tighter to his fur to keep from slipping off his back. I'm not sure how long the aimless jaunt went on, but things were flying by too fast for me to make a mental note of where we were. I was disoriented and surprised when we ended up back in front of the newly built cabin on the default line between two once warring clans.

The crowd remained silent. Had they spoken at all in our absence? How long were we gone? I couldn't tell whether it had been mere moments or hours. I had completely lost all sense of time as well as my ability to reason, which was lost somewhere in the trees.

I remembered my task, but was without the strength to force change. It wasn't my place to make him forget this. It had to be his choice. With Seth, there was no other option. With Jacob, his instant calm with me made me realize I wouldn't have to make his decision for him. He was capable of making it himself. Whatever he decided I would accept; I would assist.

This left me to worry about my role in what had happened. Would he forgive me? Could I forgive myself?

Jacob yawned, and I climbed off his back, appreciating the sentiment. There would be no adjustment today. The pack was banned from shifting. Jacob was the only one allowed to reside in wolf form. He had sensed the danger in phasing before things were corrected, or accepted. He was protecting all parties involved by refusing the mental link. Did he realize how great a leader he had become?

He jumped onto the porch and entered through an overly-huge door. Obviously, the cabin was tailored to him. The woodwork was something I recognized, subtly-carved shapes in the log exterior. They were Jacob's accents. The house wasn't built _for _him; it was built _by_ him. I stood in awe at what he had created. How long had this been in progress?

From inside - and phased - came the voice I would have dreamt of, had my sleep-bound moments allowed for it. Jacob's voice. Jacob's _human_ voice. My heart hitched, and I took a deep breath, tasting the sea-perfume air.

As if everyone staring at me had suddenly disappeared, I let his tone hypnotically pull me toward the entrance. The smell of wood and _him_ was overwhelming. He was resting on the couch, and even in his weary state he was nothing less than perfection. His tan skin clashed against the white of the fabric, but it looked too comfortable not to join him.

He yawned again, and I thought about what I wanted to say. He swung his legs off the cushions and onto the floor, placing his head in his hands while resting his elbows on his knees. I smelled fresh tears and sawdust, and the awe from the visible detail of his new home was replaced by concern.

I moved to him, sitting tentatively at his side. His continued tears removed my hesitation, and I slid in behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. My form seemed miniature against his, mirroring the helplessness I felt. I gripped him tighter, resting my cheek against his smooth back where his muscles twitched against me.

This continued until the crying stopped. He pushed back, pressing me deeper into the plush cushions. The couch wasn't much to look at, but it certainly was cozy. I couldn't move; nor did I want to. I was trapped and liberated at the same time.

My desire to sleep was something I could no longer avoid. He curled himself around me, equally exhausted. We lay together, crushed between the refreshed connection and exhaustion. I was content there and refused to let past or potential rejection ruin my temporary amity.

Snuggling into his body caused his scent to flow freely through my lungs. He _was_ my breath. I had a lot of work ahead of me, but I needed this chance to regain strength. He needed this closeness as much as I did, this pause in time. I selfishly savored this calm before the storm. Sighing, I drifted off to the peaceful sleep that had already found him.

I knew when we woke things would change, but I would never forget that moment in his hand-crafted cabin. I would never forget the perfection of our bodies melded together on his too-white sofa. I would never forget the peace that stilled every thought in my ever-churning mind. This was my amity, and if I could only have it for a night, it would be enough. It had to be.


	13. Awakening

**Chapter 13 – Awakening**

I didn't want to move, even though the restricted blood-flow from the pressure of his weight was eliminating the feeling in my limbs. I preferred the limp sensation to the idea of being away from him. Jacob shifted slightly, and I experienced a mild tingling sensation as my legs regained circulation. Aside from the noisy breathing, he slept as soundly as me.

Jacob's arm fell across my chest, and it seemed like a ton of bricks had dropped from the ceiling onto me. I laughed a little at his obvious lack of control. Did he dream? It was something I didn't remember ever doing. While Mom assured me sleep-filled moments had been full of color and butterflies for me in my youth, I didn't bring those thoughts with me in my conscious state. They were a mystery to me.

Daydreaming – that was another matter entirely. That was something I was quite good at. As I lay next to Jacob, it surprised me how easy it was to imagine him as a permanent fixture in my life. The pictures played out in my mind in an eerily natural way, as though we hadn't spent any time away from each other at all.

I slid around to face the ceiling, the clean white of the couch making me cringe. It didn't fit, and seemed out of place compared to the other furniture in the wide-open living space. The support beams, embellished with his woodworking, provided an air of comfort void of separating walls. It suited him, but the couch didn't.

It would have taken him a long time to accomplish this, even with aid from his pack. Was I so swept up in myself that I wouldn't have known this was in the process of being built? Had it really been so long since I travelled to his territory? Yes, it had been that long. I had avoided it like the plague.

How much else had I missed? Watching the sleeping form beside me, I didn't see anyone different than the man who I'd met a little over seven years ago. Physically there was no change. What had changed was in his heart, in his mind, and I wouldn't be able to witness those shifts until he was awake and speaking to me.

Part of me didn't want him to ever wake up, knowing the day promised separation I wasn't quite ready for. Part of me wanted to get it over with, because I was too quickly getting too comfortable with the physical connection.

He murmured, and I listened hard in an attempt to make out the words. "Our cabin."

While I knew he was talking in his sleep, the movement of his body almost had me believing that he was in that almost-awake state in the middle of dreams and reality.

_Our cabin. _Did he think it was someone else lying next to him on the strange sofa in his glorious home? I frowned, not really appreciating the fresh dose of reality. Would I like her? Did she love him? More importantly, did _he_ love _her_? That prospect sent my head spinning and caused me to grimace.

"Sorry," he muttered, words sluggish. "I'm squishing you."

The moment I had dreaded came, and he released me. Instead of feeling free I felt trapped. The empty area around us confined me. I quickly lifted myself from the couch, trying to smooth out the lines of creased fabric covering my form. I scowled at the sofa.

"You don't like it?" he asked, a smirk forming.

"It confuses me," I admitted.

"It's a piece of furniture, Nessie," he teased. "What's not to like?"

"It seems…" I paused. "Out of place."

"I like it," he argued, casually moving to a sitting position. "It reminds me of you."

I blinked, trying to process his words. Why he would want any kind of memory of me confused me. He'd made his feelings fairly obvious when he'd deflected my affections.

I tried to put things into perspective, wondering if all I had to do was tuck away my romantic notions for the chance to be around him. Keeping things platonic would be one of the most difficult ventures of my life. When I saw the beams shine down through a skylight, the rays danced radiantly around his tan skin. He was the sun. My lips grew damp at the corners. It would definitely be more difficult but not impossible_._ Changing the subject was a good start.

"Listen," I began. "We really need to talk about…what happened…what you saw…what you did…how can I fix this?"

His stomach growled loudly, interrupting my train of thought.

"Sure, sure," he said. "I need to eat something."

As if answering his bodily display, my own stomach made a low noise. He lifted a brow in question. It surprised me too. I wasn't used to feeling anything but the burn in my throat that alerted me to hunger. I didn't feel the burn. What I felt instead was a gnawing in the pit of my stomach that I didn't know how to respond to.

"We could go together," he suggested. "Like old times?"

What he wanted to ask was, _What the hell is wrong with you? _My Jacob would have spouted that out without thinking twice. He had never heard my stomach growl before. We needed a chance to get to know the new quirks each of us had gained during separation. While the foundation was the same, everything else had shifted. Being apart had affected the everyday details.

"You cook?" I asked casually. _You're seriously not going to question this?_

"Sometimes," he said cautiously. "My specialty is burnt toast, but luckily, the cabin hasn't caught on fire yet."

"I'll make us something," I offered and glided toward the kitchen. _Ask me already._

"Great," he said, folding his arms behind his head and leaning into the plush couch.

I opened the fridge and saw that I didn't have much to work with. The options were pretty sparse in the cabinets too. Grilled cheese wasn't my first choice, but it would have to do.

"It wouldn't hurt if you took a trip to the grocery store," I suggested. "_Some_ selection would be nice." _As if I will be here enough that it would matter._

"Sure, sure," he replied, relaxed pose never changing. "You're hired."

Turning over the bread, I watched the pan sizzle. Generally the smell of food cooking, regardless the type, made my stomach turn. I wasn't surprised when it rolled slightly. What did surprise me was the fact that nausea didn't follow. Instead, it growled again, anticipating. Maybe my dislike for the taste was purely a mental block inhibiting actual pleasure. I didn't think I _should_ like it, and so I didn't.

I grabbed two plates, transferred the sandwiches, and carried both over to where Jacob sat. I wondered whether or not eating something on the couch might taint its frustrating perfection.

"We'll buy a new one," he said casually. "Minor detail."

_We'll, our _cabin - What game exactly was Jacob Black playing? What made it okay for him to taunt me in such a way? He had made his feelings perfectly clear in years prior. Had something changed that I missed?

He was obviously messed up from the incident, and I needed to get that cleared up sooner rather than later for two important reasons. One – his reaction wasn't healthy. He was acting as though nothing had happened. It wasn't good for Jacob, and it definitely wasn't good for his pack, who needed a stable leader more than ever. Two - my heart couldn't handle another break. It really couldn't. As much as I was enjoying playing house, I needed it to stop before I ended up being torn apart worse than I already was.

"We need to get you fixed," I stammered. "You're not…well." _You've absolutely lost your mind._

"I feel fine," he countered. "I mean, I _obviously _have some stuff to deal with."

The imprint was still there, as plain as day. When he was looking at me, I was the only thing that mattered to him. All his other woes and trials were nothing in comparison to the imprinting bond, which he'd successfully ignored in the past. The only logical answer was the emotional strain of recent events. In his weakened state it seemed like none of it was important, as though I was the center of his universe again – like I used to be - and all other things were second to that responsibility. He wasn't thinking clearly. He wasn't thinking at all.

"Are you not even a little bit shocked I am eating food, _real_ food?" I inquired. _Does nothing surprise you?_

He thought about it for a minute and shrugged, finishing up his sandwich. He _had_ to be in shock over what had happened. It was the only logical explanation for his strange behavior. Should I take advantage of the weakness? Should I slide in and enjoy the temporary bliss while it was available and forget my responsibility to correct my mistake?

I was doing the predictable thing and shifting everything back to my feelings, my experiences, and my future. I was incredibly selfish, and I hated being that way. Maybe the reason I didn't like the white couch was because it _was_ like me - out of place in this cabin, not deserving to be there. _Did you seriously just compare yourself to the stupid couch – a couch you don't particularly care for no less? Perfect – crazy is contagious._

"We need to talk," I decided.

"Okay," he agreed, placing the plate down on the small table beside him.

His face turned serious, and I thought I had finally broken through his indifferent mask. Maybe he was finally finished playing calm and would _really_ talk to me. Food - minor detail. I could overlook that. Death - major detail. We had to make a decision about how to approach the issue. There were two options, to remember or to forget. What would the best choice be for his pack? For him? Was he even aware of his options?

"What happened?" I asked. "I mean, I know what happened. What I don't know is _why _it happened."

"Take a guess," he said, forcing a smile over clenched teeth.

"Leah got upset," I began. "She went to talk to Sam and things got out of hand."

"Right," he said, his fists slowly clenching as well.

I sensed the shift in temperament, instantly regretting that I had changed his mood. I wanted the blissful Jacob back. This brooding animosity pained me. He didn't like my reaction and quickly tried to regain his composure.

He was always moody, but his fits had never actually made me tremble before. Did knowing he was capable of taking life make me fear for my own? No, but that wouldn't change him from thinking it did. We had the same thought process, which generally led us to the same conclusions and decisions. I'd forgotten how similar we were.

"Just let it be," he groaned, knowing that wouldn't happen.

"Let it _be?_!" I exclaimed. "You have thirteen people outside waiting for you to make a decision for them. Expecting you to."

"So?" he shot back. "You think I don't _know_ that? You think I don't feel the impact of that _ever_y day?"

"You had no problem telling them what to do before," I retorted. "What's different now?" 

It was difficult for me not to think I was causing his responses, or lack thereof. I felt like I was making him forget what was important.

"You have no idea what's it like to have a weight like this on my shoulders," he said, fighting to keep his words smooth and calm. "Now, I don't just have _my_ pack. I'm expected to take care of _everyone_. It's crap. I didn't sign up for this. Who do _you_ have to look after, Ness?"

I knew his limitations and feelings of purpose. He had a hard time accepting being part of the pack, let alone leading two packs. That didn't stop him from caring about them or his responsibility. He just wanted a few free minutes to pretend he was an ordinary person, in an ordinary life, with an ordinary girl, but I wasn't close to being ordinary. He'd overlooked one vitally important fact. I was _not_ normal. I was not that girl.

"So," I whispered. "You'll just leave them?" _You don't even _want_ me. You're making a horrible mistake, and once you are all past the shock, you will hate me even more for letting you walk away from them._

He sighed, and I wondered if I was finally getting through that thick skull of his. I needed to give him options, but before I could do that, I needed to figure out what he knew and what questions he could answer with regard to who had killed Emily.

There were two possible suspects, one in my mind - I was biased where Leah was concerned. I didn't care what they thought. I _knew _her. She wasn't capable of murder any more than Jacob was. She wouldn't hurt Sam like that. If that was true, why was she standing so still in Seth's memory, ready to take death as a punishment?

"No," he answered, struggling with the rage building inside him. "I can't. But can't I just enjoy a few moments before I give myself over to them? Is that _really_ so wrong?"

A tiny flutter started around my heart and worked its way outward with each pulse, through my veins and into my limbs. I tried to pretend it was the strength from the food that caused the swell of warmth inside. I knew that was a lie since it wouldn't work that fast. It would take more than one grilled cheese sandwich to turn me into a full-fledged human. I tried to curb the sensation, not wanting to read too much more into his words than I already was. I was setting myself up for disappointment. Did it matter? I didn't have any choice but to go along for the ride until he threw me overboard. Maybe he would at least slow the boat down this time. I probably wouldn't drown. Was asking for a life-vest out of the question?

"No," I decided. "You deserve that. Should I go too?" _Please say no. Please say no._

I wasn't sure I was ready to walk out of his life again having just been brought back into it. I was stronger, able to control things I would have never have thought possible. My emotions were in check and tantrums limited.

The warmth continued to spread, and I thought back to the numbing sensation of his weight restricting blood flow. My whole body tingled, prickles spreading along my skin.

"If I wanted you gone, you already would be," he said with a calculated smile.

_Or you would be. _

"Stop distracting me," I demanded. "We have to get this sorted out. At the very least we need to decide on what needs to happen - even if it doesn't happen _right_ now."

"Do you find me distracting?" His grin widened.

"Yes," I admitted. "So stop it." _Or don't stop it and come over here…_

I blushed, not sure where that came from. Somehow his already full smile grew wider. I swallowed hard when I saw him wet his lips and lean closer to me. We weren't more than two feet apart, and all I could hear was the thumping of our hearts as they beat out a strangely hypnotic rhythm that somehow managed to overshadow the memories of his rejection.

A louder, less tempting thud broke my trance, and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding. The door. Initially I was disappointed that my private moment had abruptly ended. Then I found myself happy that I had someone to help me talk some sense into the lunatic wolfman.

"It's open," Jacob announced, annoyed, though not surprised at the interruption.

Dad flew in. I hadn't really ever seen his eyes that shade of charcoal before. He was fuming, and I tilted my head to the side in confusion. My universe was opposite what it should have been. Jacob, who should have been miserable, was smiling. Dad, who should have been glad to see Jacob smiling, looked like he was going to rip his head off. I was in the middle, utterly and completely lost, as always.

Jacob lifted a brow and folded his arms across his chest in a defensive pose. I didn't really feel comfortable being the barrier separating them; it actually seemed dangerous. I stepped back a few steps so that they could talk _to_ one another and not _through_ me.

_Dad? What's wrong?_

"Ask _him,_" he spewed out, pointing to Jacob.

"What?" Jacob feigned innocence, smile never wavering. "You're the one who always interrupts."

"It's time to go, Renesmee," Dad stated. "I think he's all done talking."

_He hasn't told me anything. Not for lack of trying. Dad, we can't leave him here._

"Fine," Dad grumbled. "Then I'll stay. You'll go."

"You're not invited," Jacob said to him smartly.

"I wasn't invited either," I reminded him, trying to mediate.

"As _if_ you need an invitation into your own home," he said on a laugh.

"Now is _not_ the time for this discussion, Jacob," Dad warned.

"Seems like a good enough time to me," Jacob argued, shrugging his shoulders. "Will you never learn that keeping secrets doesn't change the truth?"

"I'm afraid hypocrisy doesn't suit you well," Dad said, hissing lightly.

"You agreed with me at the time, didn't you, bloodsucker?" Jacob shot back.

The steps I'd taken backward, I reversed. Maybe they needed me in between them after all.

"You're making a mistake," Dad advised him. "You waited too long."

Jacob looked at me, and I wasn't sure how to answer the questions in his eyes. He was searching for something. Had he found it?

"It doesn't matter," Jacob decided. "He's no one – he's nothing."

"You can't hear what I hear, mutt," Dad fumed.

"Must be hard crawling around in my head," Jacob shot back. "Tell me, which is worse - seeing the mother or the daughter?"

A growl and hiss erupted simultaneously. Between them was the reverberating echo of my voice as I unleashed its full capacity on them. It was strange taking on the parental role while two children quarreled on either side of me.

"Enough!" I shouted. "What are we fighting about? You!" I screamed, pointing to Dad. "Outside! Now!"

As if it was possible, his eyes shifted to a deeper shade of black.

"You!" I repeated, pointing to Jacob. "Couch! Now!"

I moved to the porch where Dad waited for me. He flinched when I slammed the door behind me.

_Explain._

"There's nothing to explain, Renesmee," he began. "I wasn't pretending when I said this wasn't the time."

_Wasn't the time for what?_

Sighing, he began pacing back and forth on the sturdy pine boards below him.

_How long were you outside the door?_

"A...while"

_How _long_ is a while?_

"Maybe a few hours?" he said sheepishly.

My demeanor softened. He was worried about both me and Jacob. I had only just come back from an extended journey and then had gone running off to a boy's home where I had spent the night. Any father would have similar feelings. What he was failing to realize, to remember, was that Jacob didn't want me in that capacity.

_Dad…nothing happened. Jacob…he doesn't see me like _that.

"Didn't," Dad corrected.

_Seriously...you're going to correct my grammar right now? Come on._

"No," he continued. "Didn't...as in didn't used to."

_Look - I appreciate what you're saying, but you really don't know. There is a lot I was able to keep from you. Trust me. He doesn't want me. Nothing happened. You can stop being mad at him now._

He took a deep breath, and I rolled my eyes.

_Great. Just great. Can we try to keep it brief, whatever this new truth that you didn't see fit to tell me at the time, though is somehow now absolutely relevant to my current circumstance, is?_

He let out some of the air. "How did you know?"

_You all do that same annoying thing when you're about to give an annoying speech or lecture. You take a giant breath so you can get it all out without having to stop. You're not very good at trying to be human, you know. Humans take a pause now and then to breathe, mid-sentence even._

"May I continue, please?" he said, interrupting my rant.

_Fine. But whatever reaction I have, you are openly admitting that it will be justified._

"You're wrong about how Jacob feels."

_Dad, I already told you there are things I purposely kept from you._

"And there are things I purposely kept from you," he admitted.

That peaked my curiosity enough to listen.

"You were wrong," he continued. "About how he reacted to you kissing him."

_Okay, so you know more than I thought._

"Try to see it from his side for a minute," Dad pleaded.

_What do you want me to see, Dad? You want me to see the pain of having to reject someone you care about? I sort of already have._

"Will you just let me talk?" he begged me. "I told you I would listen to you, and I did. I need you to listen to me now. This isn't exactly easy for a father to talk to his daughter about. I am not speaking to you as your father. I am speaking to you as an equal, and I would appreciate you taking a moment to not only hear what I am saying, but to also listen to me."

I nodded, and steadied myself. I was only postponing the inevitable. There was no way what he was about to tell me would be good news. That's why it was delayed in the first place, hidden until the right time. I was strong enough now to take whatever he was about to lay on me. Steadying my feet, I prepared for the worst.

"Imagine his position. He imprinted on you, Renesmee. Whatever you think you know about that, I have seen with my own eyes the power of it. You don't know half of what it involves. It took me a long time to come to terms with his position, his place in your life. Your Mom, believe it or not, actually took longer than me to realize this wasn't exactly a horrible situation for us. Parents could make worse choices for their future son-in-law. We, nor Jacob, ever had any intention to force you into anything. We intended to let nature take its course. We didn't realize, or take into consideration, how quickly nature would take its course. I should have seen it coming, me more than anyone else, with full access to your mind, but you hadn't prepared to initiate it. It just sort of happened, like love often does. Honey, your mind might have been fully mature, but your body wasn't."

I gasped lightly, finally beginning to understand.

He sighed, pacing quicker as he took another breath. "He couldn't read your mind. He could only hear your words and see your visions, but you were in the body of a barely teenager. He felt like some kind of sicko, a little girl kissing him like that, and him feeling something from it. So he avoided you. He didn't seek you out to talk to you about it. He struggled with feelings he shouldn't be feeling so soon, and had to avoid you, because once in your presence he feared all control would be lost. Instead of explaining it to you, he came and found me. I wanted to kill him on the spot, but he was so...torn apart, I couldn't feel anything but sympathy for what the whole thing did to him."

Swallowing hard, I tried to continue listening. I knew I'd broken Jacob, but I hadn't realized how badly he was broken. I had misunderstood his feelings. He wasn't disgusted at me; he was disgusted at himself. That wasn't much easier to appreciate than the rejection.

Obviously unfinished, Dad pressed onward. "We decided that the only thing we could really do was to tuck it away and not tell anyone, including you or your Mom, about it. I had a brief glimpse of what you _thought_ had happened, the rejection, and I thought by some divine intervention you weren't nearly as upset as I imagined you would be. So yes, you managed to keep _some_ things from me. You kept enough from me that I had no idea how incredibly crushed you were. Had I known, I would have told you the truth in an instant."

I believed him. I was able to keep some of the torment shut inside. While I knew some of it was bound to leak out, I had managed to retain exactly the wrong things.

"Your Mom got the full story the second she came back from the airport," he announced. "Whatever you told her was enough to have her nearly killing us both and saving you from having to do it when you found out the truth. Anger shifted to concern over Seth post-wreck. Then you were gone. It's very difficult to deny you anything. You don't see that side of yourself, but hasn't it ever struck you odd that everyone bends to your will? How many creatures have you met that don't like you?"

_I've met only one, and even she said it was impossible not to love me._

I replayed Kachiri's words in my mind. _I do wish you happiness too. It's impossible not to love you._

_The cabin?_

"He's been working on it for just over two years to get it ready for you."

_Two months ago I was ready._

"He was on his way to the airport when Seth got into the accident," Dad explained. "Would you have forgiven him if he hadn't come back for Seth?'

_Shifters heal fast._

"You would have him leave the lands he protects to find you?" Dad continued. "You were never _that_ selfish."

_No, but he had access to a computer too...or a phone._

"It was too late, Renesmee," Dad sad, a hue of sadness that completely shifted his eyes from midnight to dawn. "You'd already met Nahuel by then."

_So?_

"No one realized quite how changed you are," Dad offered. "We all thought it would drive you further apart."

_And my falling deeper in love with Nahuel…_

"Do you love him?" Dad asked, serious now.

_Yes._

"Do you love Jacob?"

_Yes._

"Then I'm no longer the person you need to talk to," he decided. "You need to speak with your mother. She made a similar choice once, and I know it was the right one. How she managed to decide I am not sure. I simply know that every day I am blessed by her decision. I have her. I have you. I couldn't wish for more."

Hi words neither made me angry nor sad. I was indifferent, which might have been worse. I wasn't sure how to react or what to say. I needed to take a breath of some fresh air that wasn't tainted by the scent of ocean breeze or honey dew. When I turned and started toward the porch-steps, he stopped his lined movement.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

_To see someone human. I want to know the appropriate way to handle this when I've fully transformed._

I didn't turn to witness his reaction. It didn't really matter. It wasn't how I wanted to announce my decision, but I refused to keep it hidden from anyone. It was the choice I had made for myself - humanity. There were bound to be some mixed reactions.

Moving through the forest, making a dividing line of my own, I had never been more awake, more alive. Even as I noticed my senses dulling, if only slightly, I had never been so receptive to what nature had to offer me.

One person who wouldn't try to pry for details was the one person I wanted to see. He would simplify things for me and make it easier to decide whether I wanted to hug them or rip their heads off. My calm was far scarier for me than my tantrums. They were predictable and therefore controllable. I was level-headed, and I was fully aware that at any given moment, and without warning, I could completely and totally snap. Grandpa wouldn't let that happen.

I couldn't talk to Jacob yet. The day wasn't supposed to be about me. We had issues to address. Apparently, the only way to move ahead was to try to figure things out for myself. We needed to find Leah fast. Who better than a sheriff to help me investigate?


	14. Convergence

**Chapter 14 – Convergence**

The cruiser wasn't in the driveway, but that didn't stop me from entering the occupied house. Sue was in the kitchen making something that had my taste buds watering. The spices drifted hypnotically through me, and I moved toward the smell in a trance.

"Oh Nessie!" she exclaimed, dropping the spoon she was stirring to embrace me. "I lose one and another returns."

She gripped me abnormally hard for a human woman, and I let her hold on until she was ready to let go – both of us needed that temporary substitution.

"Where is she?" I asked.

She sighed before she spoke. "I really have no idea. I wish I did. She must be feeling horrible about things right now."

It comforted me to see Sue emotionally invested in the situation. While I realized Jacob had undergone his own coping period, he seemed eager to forget about what had happened. Shoving it under the rug wouldn't make it go away.

With regards to Leah, specifically, everyone seemed to be under-reacting to her disappearance. They appeared pleased to be without her as opposed to concerned with finding her. Her supporters consisted of me and Seth, and even Seth got fed up with her from time to time. Her constant bitterness had worn off the sympathy they had once felt for her loss.

"You're worried about her too," I said, looking for confirmation. "Of course you are concerned – she's your daughter."

"Only about how she is feeling," she said sternly. "She can protect herself. She has been doing a fine job of it most of her life. But now she has Seth to protect, and it's Seth's safety I fret over. She'll come back. Permanent forfeit of her duties isn't in her nature. I think she just needs some time to take it all in and reflect. And we need some time without her to decide how best to deal with it."

"But you don't believe she killed Emily," I said, my voice cracking. _She's your own flesh and blood and you could think this horrible thing of her without blinking an eye?_

"I'm not sure. She was dealing with a lot in regards to her pain. I can't say no. I can't say yes. Only she knows the answer to that. Regardless, she will come back once the dust settles. It doesn't change her course, her heritage. It doesn't change my feelings for her. Nor does it excuse her consistently rude and belligerent behavior. I am torn between pride and embarrassment. I am blessed and cursed to have such gifted children. You've tended to Seth?"

I nodded slowly, trying to look past the calm of her words. How could she possibly think Leah could kill Emily? She wasn't _sure_ of it, but it didn't seem to bother her one way or the other, like it wasn't changing the outcome in the grand scheme of things.

"Seth is fine for now," I informed her. "I released him from the memory temporarily."

"You are a treasure," Sue decided. "Already you are so strong, and you have yet to reach your full potential. It will be interesting to see what more you can offer. I understand the sadness you feel that your Grandpa doesn't know the full extent of your importance. It's difficult to keep secrets."

"I know," I said, reflecting back to the reason for my visit. I was going to tell him everything.

"Oh, don't get me wrong. He knows you are special and loves you madly, but he sees things in a simpler way. I love him for giving me that kind of peace," she continued thoughtfully. "It's not easy being a mother of two wolves. He gives me balance."

"I was actually hoping to talk to him," I stated, deciding not to run by her the secondary reason for my being there – to get some help in finding Leah. "If you're cooking, I can't imagine him being gone much longer.

"You know you're welcome to stay," she offered, thinking I would decline as I always did.

"I'd like that," I agreed, knowing if I had to wait much longer, I wasn't going to be able to refrain from sticking my face right in the pan. "It smells wonderful."

She passed me a curious glance. I was a little nervous about where the continued conversation would lead. Generally, we had Grandpa or Leah as a buffer – Grandpa more so than Leah. I wasn't used to speaking to her openly, without him around. She knew the secrets I wasn't allowed to share with him. What they spoke about in private I wasn't sure, but I doubted the subject was myth and magic.

"I'm glad you'll finally be joining us," she said, obvious delight in her voice. "And I'm pleased with this choice you've made."

"You knew it would happen eventually."

"We choose our path," she argued. "It does not choose us."

"I guess it surprises me you would believe that," I admitted.

She was a wise woman who believed strongly in native history and bloodlines. It surprised me that she would think of progression as a choice and not some preordained destination we had no option but to move toward.

"You have to understand," she continued. "It matters little what path we take. They all circle around to the same end. The future is set. How we get there is what we determine."

So, in theory, it wouldn't matter what I decided. The end result would be the same. I could be a vampire. I could be a human. Neither option would affect my ending. Choosing humanity was my desired path, and I was confused by how that wouldn't change my future.

"All paths run on parallel lines until they meet at pivotal points - important lunar phases," she spoke and poured sauce over the sizzling fish in the pan. "Convergence, this is the only time we can alter our fate."

I heard the car pulling into the drive and knew our time was limited. I had time for one more question.

"How do you know when it's a convergence?" I asked. "And not just a path choice?"

"You don't," she said on a sigh. "You just follow your heart. It won't steer you wrong."

"I think my heart is what makes it difficult to choose," I groaned.

"I think maybe we should keep Leah out of the conversation tonight," she whispered. "He doesn't like having to willfully ignore things, and he has made it inherently obvious he has no desire for the type of details you want to share with him."

She laughed lightly when Grandpa whooshed into the kitchen. He wasn't a terribly affectionate person, but he scooped me up and swung me around. It was nice to see him happy. While I wasn't ready to give up on the idea of having a sit-down coming to terms with him, it could wait until after dinner.

"Something smells fantastic!" he announced.

"Thank you," Sue replied. "Renesmee is joining us for dinner tonight."

His eyes widened, and I wondered if he would say anything. He noticed every detail, and my lack of joining normal meals didn't get overlooked. The surprise faded quickly - like he flipped a switch in his brain that stilled the desire to probe for answers. He often did that when his observations showed something more than he wanted to see, thereby blocking it from his memory. Self-induced oblivion. Blissful ignorance.

He moved to the table and offered me a chair. We waited with similar anticipation for the meal to begin. I used the time to answer brief questions he had about my journey abroad. Sue placed the smoked salmon before me, adorned with winter vegetables. I waited for her to be seated before I took the first bite. No repulsion. No aversion. It was fantastic, and I found myself trying to slow my chewing as not to appear starved. Regardless of my forced reserve, I still finished my plate before them.

Sue stood, offering me a second helping which I declined. I decided it best to wait to see how things sat with my stomach. I could have easily cleaned a second plate, but it was not the time to experiment with limits.

It was strange sitting at a dinner table with family, and I wondered if the silence during mealtimes was ritualistic or simply isolated to the Swan house in particular. Grandpa wasn't exactly sociable. Sue, who was more communicative than I realized, didn't seem to mind the silence either.

I spent the wait time thinking about Leah and wondered if I was the only person in all of Forks who wanted want to prove her innocence so that she would come back. The rest were content in accepting her actions like they had been waiting for it to happen all along. It wasn't so much lack of support as it was acceptance. But I couldn't accept it – I refused to believe that, despite her reasoning, she had killed Emily. It didn't matter what anyone else thought or how easy they were to forgive her.

I needed to find Leah to make sure she was okay. While I understood her desire for private reflection, her role was too important to her for her to abandon it, even temporarily. I felt the elevation in my heart rate and opened Jasper's door in my mind. It was not the time to panic.

Once finished, we moved to the living room. Grandpa and Sue seemed pleased that I was in no great hurry to leave. I spoke again briefly of my travels, omitting certain details that would cause suspicion. He told me he was glad to have me back, and I believed him. In truth, I was just as glad to be back, when looking beyond the reasons for my early return.

"Grandpa," I began, not sure how to start the conversation. "I trust your opinion."

He looked at me cautiously, afraid that he would be expected to reply with more than a one word response. The idea of it had him fidgeting on the couch. Sue gently patted him on the knee, keen to his sudden onset of nerves. She narrowed her eyes at me as a gesture to take her advice.

"Do you ever feel like you are missing an important piece of information?" I continued. "Like if you just knew a little more you would be able to truly understand something?"

"Not really, no," he answered promptly. "I sort of feel like this is going to be one of those moments that someone is going to try to give me _too much_ information. That someone in this case seems to be you."

"I've come to the conclusion that absolute honesty is the only way to completely find peace with everything that I am," I explained. "So, I need to tell you something that you may or may not want to hear, because it may be the only way I will ever find contentment."

"Slow down, speed racer," he countered. "Didn't you just get a warning for exceeding the speed limit? What if what you want to tell me affects my peace?"

My path ahead didn't have parallel lines; it was more like a tunnel that blocked out any other possibilities. I couldn't see an option to create a crossroads. Would my own calm come only in taking his? I couldn't live with myself if that was the case. If I stole it away it would never truly be mine.

"Let me tell you something, kiddo," he said. "Truth is all about perception. How one person sees something isn't going to be how someone else sees it. I know you're real smart so we'll _never_ need to have this conversation again. I also know you're curious, because we are a lot alike that way. That's why we are going to go ahead and sort of get it out of the way now. I love you, but I don't need to know every little thing, okay? You're fine, right? You're good? Sure you are. You look better than I ever saw you looking before."

"I guess," I stammered. _You're weakening my nerves with this speech._

"Sure you are," he repeated, convincing himself. "So I really don't think we need more than that. Your mom, for example, something happened to her. I don't want to _know_ what that something is. All that matters to me is that she's okay and that she's happy. I can see that she is. That's all that matters to me. You hear me? Sometimes we get so swept up in the details that we forget to see the bigger picture. We take all these little bits and pieces, and we forget that when we put them together they make a whole great big picture. Those little pieces don't matter so much anymore. I see the big picture, and I like it. If you go and start changing all the little pieces and pointing out the lines between this and that, well - maybe the end result isn't the same. Maybe I won't like it anymore. You know what I mean?"

I slumped down in the chair. Sue had warned me, not in the same words, but I wasn't prepared to listen. When I heard Grandpa's version of his wishes, I couldn't bring myself to burst through the wall he had put up between him and the world around him. It wasn't my place to alter his perception or to change his world. He was happy with his half-truths.

That didn't make either of us wrong. It made us individuals capable of traveling along different paths that would meet up from time to time. I wanted only truth directed at me, but that didn't have to be the case for everyone.

If I wanted them to respect my wishes I also needed to respect theirs. What was right for me wasn't necessarily right for someone else. Both views had varying degrees of right. Sometimes the _only_ right thing was middle ground.

"I should probably head home," I said somberly. "They'll file a missing persons report soon."

"Good," he said, satisfied. "They don't come around enough lately. Did you want a lift home? Flashing lights and all?"

"No thank you," I said, crinkling up my nose and remembering when he'd pulled me over. _Don't worry. You don't have anything to pull me over in anymore._

As if hearing my thoughts he feigned sorrow. "Real shame about your car. Sorry to hear it was stolen. Never found that kid that took it for a joy ride either."

"I'm sure he's just fine," I said, smirking. _More like you wanted to find him and thank him._

"No news is good news," he agreed.

I laughed then. _You go ahead and think whatever helps you sleep at night. If you're happy, I'm happy._

By the time I got to the Cullen house I was beat. I should have accepted the ride. The walk had helped me clear my head and allowed me to figure out a few ideas about finding Leah. I needed some topographical maps to survey the area so I could comb through segments at a time. She wouldn't leave Forks. It was bad enough for her to be away from the reservation, but she wouldn't go further than our border.

I was starting to seriously worry. The less everyone else worried, the more frantic I became. What if I was the only one who wanted to find her? That would make the job even more difficult. As independent as I had become, I also knew when I needed help. I wasn't afraid to admit it.

When I opened the front door I heard merriment cascading down the stairs, followed by the glorious smell of something spicy. I wanted to put the taste with the smell, greedy for the new flavor. My stomach turned, slowly digesting the remains of Sue's dinner. I was prepared to try to push my limits a bit further. I wondered how Seth would feel about sharing his dinner. He was the only reason they cooked to begin with.

My pulse jumped as I climbed the stairs, not from exertion but nerves. This is how I would explain it to them. I would let my actions speak louder than my words and join Seth for dinner. If they saw how serious I was, they'd have a lot to say about my humanity.

"Your timing is impeccable," Grandmother crooned. "We've just laid out the plates. I am so excited to be able to use the dining room table for once. I hope you don't mind the formality."

She ushered me toward the long table they reserved for arduous family discussions. I wondered if it had ever been used for dining purposes before. Seated around it was my entire vampire family, plus two guests. Grandmother put me in a seat between the guests, pushing it toward the plate she had already laid out for me.

I lifted a brow at Rosalie, who sat directly across from me. She held a smile I had never seen before on her beautiful face. She was happy. I eyed Emmett, who simply passed me a wink. Alice was oblivious, chatting away about the new outfit she was having designed for me. Jasper was busy trying to pretend he was listening to Alice. Mom was busy looking at Dad, who was busy glaring at Jacob, who was leaning closer to me with a smirk on his face. Seth was staring at his plate wondering when or if he was going to get to eat his food. Grandfather was watching Grandmother, who nearly skipped to her seat to sit down.

It was a strange scene, and they all curiously watched me eat as if waiting for me to spit out the Mexican-style meal. It made me self-conscious, and I took exceptionally slow bites, making sure to chew each tiny piece. They were fascinated by every movement I made. Infancy had held a lot of substantial moments they hovered over: crawling, walking, talking, and any other milestone that generally characterized growth. How could sitting at a table and eating dinner be one such moment?

"Relax," Jacob said sharply to the group. "You're making _me_ nervous."

The mood shifted instantly, and quiet conversations ensued. My family talked about clothes, music, experiments, vacations, and every other normal thing except for what they should have been focused on – Leah. I wondered if it was for Seth's benefit. If he had reconstructed any of the memories I had taken, I doubted he would have been starting in on eating a second plate of food.

His appetite was not affected in the slightest. He finished his second, and I passed him what was left of mine. I had a sudden sensation of fullness.

I understood basic bodily functions and excused myself to the washroom. I was thankful to be given the chance to be alone and collect my thoughts. We needed to make some plans and fast. Too much time had already elapsed. Seth wouldn't be oblivious forever, and soon he would be wondering about Leah. With the empty space in his memory, at the very least, we needed to come up with something logical to tell him that would explain the gaping hole I had left.

When I rejoined the group I caught a glimpse of Rosalie and Emmett slipping into the garage with Seth.

I heard her say, "Come on Seth. I'm going to show you how to overhaul an engine."

"Sweet" he exclaimed.

Good. They had sense enough to find something to distract him, which meant they were already calculating. I knew the charade of calm wouldn't last forever. I was ready to help and eager to be a part of the cleanup crew; it was my mess after all. I didn't _expect_ them to help me, but I certainly wouldn't decline their assistance if it was offered. I couldn't do this alone. I needed them.

Alice and Jasper cleared the table. When she passed me, she leaned in to kiss me lightly on the cheek.

"It's nice to have you home," she whispered.

Dad came to stand beside me, gently taking my hand and pulling me from the room with him and away from the others.

"I want to play something for you," he announced.

His eyes were a serene golden hue, and I moved with him.

_Do you honestly mean to tell me no one is even going to question me about this eating thing? My deciding to be human has so little an effect on any of you?_

"There is not one person who would argue your choice," he said certainly. "They all wish they had the same option as you."

_Not Mom._

"Well, you may be right there," he agreed. "She has tunnel vision right now, swept up in the fact that you and Jacob are finally on speaking terms again. She is…ecstatic about it."

_But you're not?_

"Well," he admitted. "Let's just say _that_ may take some time to get used to again."

_And when she's past the relief stage will she be upset?_

"No, I don't think so," he contemplated. "Your mother is the last person who will fault you for making a life-altering decision. She has accepted this, as we had to accept her choice to be one of us. It's not really different than that. It's just the other end of the spectrum."

He sat down at the piano, and I smiled. I loved to listen to him play, to watch the smooth grace of his fingers on the keys. The movement held its own magic for me, and I hoped to hear my favorite tune. Instead of _Bella's Lullaby,_ new notes filled the room. I listened carefully to the ups and downs, and my heart nearly stopped when it seemed as though two songs were playing at once, though perfectly aligned. The parallel lines converged into a grand finale, and I moved my arms around him.

_For me. What's it called?_

"I haven't decided yet," he stated thoughtfully. "I'll let you know when I name it."

I kissed him lightly on the cheek.

_Thank you._

"Thank _you_ for the inspiration," he said, bowing lightly.

"May I?" Mom asked from behind us.

"Of course, my love," he replied.

He kissed her lightly on the mouth, and I thought for a moment she might fall over from the effect it had on her. It was strange seeing that when I'd experienced the same feeling not long ago. I finally understood it, appreciated it, and suddenly craved it.

"Always dazzling me," she joked.

"Only you," he promised.

She watched him walk out of the room before coming to sit beside me on the bench. She slid one arm around my waist and plucked lightly at the keys with her free hand.

"I think he wishes you had been musically inclined," she teased.

"I hope he's not disappointed," I said sadly. _I don't deserve you as parents._

"We could never be disappointed in you, Renesmee," she countered, her free hand moving from the keys to my cheek, forcing me to face her. "Our expectations aren't as high as you seem to think. Don't get me wrong, your success is important, but you've already achieved more than we could have ever have hoped for. You're so different. Changed. Wise. This adventure did good things for you. I'm sorry it had to end before you were ready."

"Oh I was ready," I said sourly. "We just didn't get to that part yet".

"What happened?" she asked, concern leaking through. "Nahuel?"

"Well yes."

"Did he _do_ something? Pressure you?" she said, her voice immediately strained.

I watched the mood shift from worry to anger which was quickly curbed. She stood from the bench and walked back and forth, finding the rest of her calm. She bit at her lip, concentrating.

"Maybe it would be easier if you showed me?" she suggested.

I nodded and walked to where she had stopped pacing. I placed my hands on either side of her smooth cheeks, before methodically closing my eyes. I didn't want to see her response. Her reactions would alter my visions, and I wanted her to have a clear view of things, a complete perspective.

Starting small, I began with the Amazon, and I experienced her delight in the knowledge I had gained there. She made a mental note to thank Zafrina for taking such good care of me, though trying to think of polite ways to explain that humans needed to take better measures where hygiene is concerned. I shifted to Buenos Aires, and let her gaze on the views of the city, the people in it, and my carefully designed room. This fascinated her as well. For the finale, I introduced her to Nahuel, slowly at first, letting her experience what I had felt in the beginning. I built my case as I went. The closing vision was of the dead body on the table. She jerked back, obviously feeling the same shock I had when I saw him standing there next to the drained corpse.

"You couldn't have known," she whispered. "We had no idea."

"I know," I said, the sadness returning. "I wish I had known too."

The refreshed memories reformed the break in my heart. He had broken it, but it was not shattered. If I became human, and he became human, we still had a chance as a couple. I wasn't sure I wanted that future, but I wasn't ready to give up all remnants of that possibility either.

We had clicked instantly, and there had to be something more than hormones that caused that. Being with him was intoxicating. Though we had little in common on the surface, we were genetically alike. I had forgiven him already and knew he would never kill another mortal if I willed it, even if he had only done so to help them.

Being with Jacob, however briefly, created a new path that I hadn't previously considered; it wasn't the direction I had expected to travel. Being with Jacob was easy and felt natural. Our personalities were similar. I had loved him from the beginning.

In a way I'd loved Nahuel from the beginning too. I owed them both my life. The problem was that I only had one life to give. As much as I wanted to be able to split the two halves apart, it simply wasn't possible without cutting me completely in two. That wasn't a very effective solution.

"When you made your choice," I asked hesitantly. "How did you know you were choosing right?"

"Honey, I don't think that really applies here," Mom explained. "Because I didn't have to choose - not really. It wasn't about me and your dad, or me and Jacob. It was about _you_. So I ended up having an easier time than I think you will have. I can't see any way that your situation could be the same. Jacob loved me because of what I was going to give him. We just didn't realize it until you were born."

"And if I choose Nahuel?" I asked, tears filling my eyes. Could I betray either of them by choosing the other?

"He would accept your decision," she said, reaching down to hold my shaking hands. "That much I _do_ know. Would Nahuel?"

"Yes," I decided.

"Then your resolution will be harder still," she concluded. "When either side suits you, both in unique and positive ways, then you have to simply follow your heart. You may not see it now, but it will pull you in the right direction. The only piece of advice I can offer you is that while it will hurt you, you have no choice but to sever one of the strings tying them to you. It's unfair to hold onto both, not just to them but to you. They are _both_ choosing you, but you can only choose one of them."

I groaned. Was either of them truly choosing me? Nahuel wanted me because I was the only other of his kind. Jacob wanted me because he had done a crazy wolf thing and imprinted on me. Neither was making their decision based on free will. So did either of them truly want _me? _Maybe what they _really_ wanted was the idea of me.

More tears slipped down my cheeks. The hormonal thing was starting – human annoyance brought on by human behavior. That was the only reasonable explanation for me crying over two incredible men wanting me. Wasn't that the perfect fantasy? I couldn't know what my heart wanted when I wasn't sure what was guiding theirs. Maybe I needed to have Dad and Emmett find out their intentions for me the hard way. Appealing as the idea was, neither of them deserved that sort of coercion.

As if to answer the ache forming in my head, a buzzing came from the door. I heard Alice's chirpy voice welcome the guests inside.

"Great," I heard Jacob grumble.

"Don't mind the guard dog," Alice excused him. "We never do."

Pineapple coconut drifted through the entryway and into the music room. I grimaced when the scent of campfire followed. This is what Sue meant when she had referred to a convergence. This was my turning point, my chance to shift fate. Which road would I travel? I couldn't imagine how two such difference choices could bring me to the same future.

"We have news about Leah," Nahuel said flatly.

That was enough to have me forcing through the wall I had tried to place around myself. I ran through the doorway, stopping dead in my tracks in seeing them standing so closely together. Both Jacob and Nahuel were fully aware of the other, and I hadn't yet had a chance to explain to either of them what was going on in my head.

When I was with Jacob I wanted to be with Jacob. When I was with Nahuel I wanted to be with Nahuel. With both of them standing in front of me I wanted to run away to wherever Leah was hiding herself and stay there. I would have gladly traded places with her to avoid the expression that the two men shared. As if a contagion, every member in my vampire family shifted to match it.

I blew out a deep breath and the food shifted in my stomach. I was queasy. Maybe I had overdone it for one day. That was an easy excuse and not altogether inaccurate. But my dilemma wasn't a digestive one; instead, it was a fight against my nerves which were trying to find the will to keep me from blacking out.

It was too late that I realized Seth was back. He kept me conscious and refocused my attention. He obviously couldn't remember, but the sound of his sister's name was enough to get him thinking about her. His shock spread when he experienced the disorienting feeling of missing something he couldn't quite put his finger on. He was always smiling, happy, and content. To see him standing there, dazed and confused, centered me. If a pull from my heart was the answer, I wanted to rip my heart from my chest and offer it to him, because I was the cause of his expression.

"Take him to the other room," I whispered. "I'll be there in a minute."

With strong steps I moved to stand in the triangular header of Nahuel and Jacob. I'd spent enough time lingering and waiting for plans to develop. Leah _was _first on my mind. They would have to wait.

"Where is she?" I asked Kachiri.

Her presence might have perplexed me under different circumstances, but I welcomed the information she could give me. The menacing scowl on my face dared either of the two loves of my life to answer. It wouldn't be a pretty sight if they did.


	15. Follow the Leader

**Chapter 15 – Follow the Leader**

Being flanked between Emmett and Jasper on the plane didn't make me feel as safe as it should have. Kachiri sat behind us, and each time I looked over my shoulder at her she was looking out the window, lost in thoughts of loss. The fresh flood of warmth calmed me enough that I was able to sleep for part of the journey. I would need my rest for what we were about to attempt.

Having them show up so unexpectedly was quickly explained. Nahuel was worried when I had disappeared and used Kachiri to locate me. The search induced another twist to her seeking ability. She could find shifters too. She had led Nahuel to where we were now destined to arrive: Volterra, the Italian home of the Volturi, was the base camp for vampiric royalty. I had never wanted to visit, and as the plane descended the realization occurred that I never wanted to come back.

Our response team was small, composed of Emmett, Jasper, Kachiri, and me. The idea wasn't to come visibly bearing arms. We weren't on a mission of forceful retrieval. There was no hope for that. Our choice weapon was words, or in my case visions, about why they needed to see our intentions. We needed them to see that letting Leah go was the right thing to do, the only way to prevent a massive attack where lives would be lost.

This task would be far more difficult than the daunting venture had been of convincing Mom and Dad they couldn't come with me. Alice helped, trying to see far enough into the future to confirm success. She couldn't. All was blocked, which didn't leave me thinking it would end well. I couldn't allow them to risk their freedom. The power-hungry leaders would use me against them to gain their servitude. I wasn't about to let that happen.

Jacob had seen reason - after a lengthy debate - and had known he needed to tend to his pack to prepare them for what hopefully would be Leah's return. Nahuel was confused as to why he had to stay behind, and I had a hard time being dishonest with my reasoning. He had settled for me agreeing to bring Kachiri. She cared for him too much to deny his request.

I didn't want either Jacob or Nahuel with me. I needed them safe, which meant leaving them behind. Plus, I needed the time away from them to determine which of them I was gravitating toward. I couldn't do that in their presence. The pull was too strong in both directions. It pained me. Death seemed an easier fate to face than making a choice between them.

I wasn't pleased, but finally resigned in letting Emmett and Jasper join me. Jasper surprised me the most, especially when he went against Alice's wishes. That never happened. She struggled with outcomes due to Leah's very presence blocking Aro's decisions. That was the point, why the Volturi were keeping her alive. They were using her as a shield.

Aro probably came up with the idea. Caius would have been the most challenging to convince, with his absolute loathing and fear for wolves. Aro would have wooed him with the appeal of having such a valuable slave beside them. Greed won, and so Leah was still alive. The thought of Leah shackled at Caius feet gave me chills, which were promptly replaced by a new rush of heat courtesy of Jasper.

"You missed that," I accused him.

"Guilty as charged," Jasper admitted.

"What's the game plan, Captain?" Emmett asked, ready for whatever it was.

There was no way Emmett was missing this. He too often had to bow out of things and wasn't about to let me have all the fun with him waiting on the sidelines. He grinned in true Emmett fashion. He wasn't scared. He was excited and hoped for a chance to fight. I didn't see myself as the leader of the group though. I was never that. Emmett was a follower. Jasper was more of the leader. I was just an active participant in what I hoped would be the release of my friend. Regardless, I was glad to have them both on my team. It would have helped if we had some inclination as to why and how she ended up there in the first place. We weren't _that_ prepared. We were flying blind.

"I'm hardly the Captain," I retorted.

Kachiri leaned in from behind us, whispering, "You rarely give yourself enough credit."

"She's right," Jasper agreed. "You're the one calling the shots here. I was always a second in command."

"Then we're all doomed," I said, mortified by that realization.

We touched down and spent the short travel from the airport to Volterra in silent preparation. I thought I was going to be sick when we finally made it to the city. Motion sickness or nerves? Both were possible. I was already experiencing human annoyances. _No more wolf-back rides, then. _I sighed.

The receptionist was humanly beautiful and gave us a cordial, yet suspicious, greeting.

She batted her thickly painted lashes before introducing herself. "My name is Gianna. How may I assist you today?"

Her confidence annoyed me, especially when I wanted to turn around and run from the castle that was obviously her station. I did not feel like the fearless leader. Was I strong enough for this? Should I give up? Would I forgive myself if I let Leah rot here? I was too close to walk away now. I could smell her ginger pine. The scent took away the lingering nausea.

"We need to see Aro," Jasper announced.

"Well I doubt that will be possible," Gianna replied haughtily. "He isn't receiving guests at this time."

"It wasn't a request," Emmett added as low growl formed in his throat.

I noticed her twitchy fingers deciding whether they could get to the emergency alert button before either of my escorts removed them from her hand. She might succeed. I wanted to try a more diplomatic approach. My goal was not for violence, regardless of how much I was tempted by the thought of spilling her blood. Did she not realize that when one of her prospective changers grew tired of her over-eager envy they would end her life? She was completely superficial and flawed.

"Allow me," I offered, moving to position myself at the front of her desk.

I was far less intimidating than my counterparts, and she wasn't expecting me to overpower her in such a way. When I extended my hand in a gesture of peace, she foolishly took it with both of hers. I gripped them firmly and was forming the mental connection before she had time to open her richly painted lips. The bridge wasn't very sturdy, erected in haste, and I nearly gagged at what I found inside, spitting as though it left a bad taste in my mouth. I pulled out her lust, her desire to become a vampire, and surprised myself by my ability to keep from throwing up. When I was satisfied by the glaze over her emerald orbs, I released her hands.

"We'll need to hurry," I advised. "That won't last long. I couldn't go further. She's far too repulsive."

We started up the hall, pausing when we noticed Kachiri standing motionless in the entryway. She wasn't able to follow and didn't have the strength or desire that we did. Her bond to me wasn't strong enough to have her risking her life. I wouldn't fault her for that. If things ended badly, at least she wouldn't be involved.

"Can you stay near the city to let the others know if we don't make it out?" I asked.

I didn't want to appear too doubtful of the outcome, but we were all aware of the risk for potential disaster.

"Yes," she agreed. "If you'll do something for me in return."

"Anything," I promised.

"_When_ you make it out…" she began. "...give Nahuel the letter I wrote him."

My heart skipped, and I frowned in knowing the full impact of those words. I hated to cause her pain, realizing how deeply in love she was with him. I couldn't think of that now, couldn't allow myself to get distracted. We needed to hurry, before Gianna came to her senses and pressed that tiny button hidden under her desk. We had only moments before they detected us.

"Of course," I assured her. "If we make it out."

We rushed down the hallway. The stained glass windows allowed beams of light to graze the floor. As we passed through them it seemed as though the light wasn't coming from the sun. Instead, I was exuding the glow outward. I felt strong, ready, and determined. My knowledge, my education had boiled down to this one divine moment, where I could let my abilities shine. For once I didn't mind taking the lead. Kachiri's faith echoed clearly in my mind. _When you make it out. _I embraced it, and the power of acceptance guided us to the elevator just in time for it to open.

I swallowed hard when I realized Gianna must have pressed the button. I wasn't sure whether it was before or after I had toyed with her mind. Either would have given them time enough to stop us. Out of the elevator came the enormous beast that was Felix. He equaled and exceeded Emmett's girth, and looked even more massive when standing next to the teenage witch beside him. Jane's lips held a fixed, egotistical smile that provoked gooseflesh along my skin.

We halted, knowing we weren't getting any closer to the leaders by going through them. We would have to go _with_ them, which slightly curbed my newfound courage.

"Unexpected guests," Jane spoke. "Aro will be delighted."

Felix only grinned in hopes that he would have the chance to test out Emmett's strength. I chanced a glance and realized Emmett was hoping for the same thing. Jasper stood stiff, waiting for my directive before making a move. They would have broken into battle right there if I willed it. They were comfortable letting me lead, trusting my decisions.

"I'd hoped he would be," I said, keeping my voice as falsely pleasant as hers.

"Very well. Come with me," Jane directed, pointing down the wide hall. "Felix…take care of _that._ Be quick about it."

As the elevator closed I heard a muffled shriek and then silence.

The descent matched my spirits. I was terrified and knew the sound of my heart was audible to every vampire standing with me. Did they notice the fluctuation, the uneven rhythm as I tried to steady it? Jasper adjusted me so that I could regulate the beat. Jane lifted a brow, a smirk replacing the smile. There was only one of her versus three of us, and she still effectively maintained calm.

She led us into the great room, and awe temporarily replaced my fear. Three Kings sat comfortably in their thrones with several others in carefully placed stations around and behind them. I had an idea who they all were. I'd seen each of them before in the field where my life was meant to end.

Part of the plane ride was spent learning details beyond what my visual memory would have shown. I was able to place powers with faces as we stood there. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forward two steps and curtsied gracefully as to indicate my understanding of their position. Emmett and Jasper followed my lead and bowed slightly, remaining in their current location a few feet behind me.

I quickly surveyed the area and made note of locations so I would know where each of them was at all times. If they moved an inch I would know. It would alert me to something happening I should be ready for. Not that it would help much to aid escape, but maybe we could take a few of them down with us.

Aro stood and glided toward us; the others remained seated. He descended down the marble steps. His guard, Renata, matched his movements. He paid no attention to her, indifferent to her position. She chewed on her bottom lip, and I felt pity for her. The potential altercation terrified her. I wanted to let her know I meant her no harm. When I offered her a warm smile, she almost smiled back.

It was when the wolf appeared that relief filled my form. The soft grey coat soothed my soul, and it took a few disorienting moments for me to realize why I shouldn't be pleased. There were no chains binding her, no lock I could break. I turned my gaze to Chelsea, narrowing chocolate irises in her general direction. She smiled tauntingly. She would be the only one who could keep Leah chained with invisible shackles.

_That's okay. You can't break the bond between us. I'm here now to get her back, and my love is stronger than your gift to force loyalty._

I suddenly regretted Dad not coming. I needed him to hear my thoughts. While I knew Aro was capable with touch, he was the last person I wanted inside my head. I had practiced for this. I was prepared. He would not take anything I did not willingly allow. Of course, this was all in theory, and there was no test or trial run we could do to know for sure. The final exam was right now, and I tried to keep myself from shaking. Jasper worked his magic, and I took a deep breath to confirm calm. I didn't want to fail, couldn't afford to fail. I needed this credit to graduate.

Aro was the spokesman. Caius was the cold, calculating seeker of enhanced power, instigating greed within the Volturi. Marcus was inherently silent, his movements seeming bored and uninterested in anything going on around him. It was his attention I wanted. I only needed a minute to get my point across to him. I just needed him to look me in the eye for a second, and everything would change. First I had to get past Aro, which wouldn't be easy. I would need permission to touch Marcus or to be addressed by him.

Leah padded noisily to no further than Aro's seat and thumped loudly down to a lying position beside it. She would come no closer. I wondered what was going through her mind, wondered what I could say to help her and to break her free of Chelsea's hypnotic vice. Maybe I cared for her more than she cared for me, and I wouldn't be able to free her at all. Maybe all I had succeeded in doing was getting three more of us killed just to prove a point that was wrong. I would soon find out how valid this venture truly was.

"I'm delighted you've come to visit us," Aro said, his voice an artful song. "You've brought friends! I wish I had known we would have company."

"I apologize for coming unannounced," I offered. _Go ahead and ask for my hand then, you filthy liar. Get it over with._

"We always welcome fresh…" he paused. _Fresh what? Fresh meat? _ "…faces. You've recently taken a journey. Would you mind if I asked to see what you've learned? Your very presence is a fascinating discovery. We do so crave knowledge. Your view will offer an interesting perspective."

"I would be happy to share what I know with you," I lied, extending my hand. _You can do this. You can do this._

He took my hand, and in a matter of ten seconds he knew everything about me from my birth to my current standing position in his open room. I frantically reached through to pull back things that he had no business seeing, carefully rewinding to make sure that I removed every piece of incriminating evidence that might show us guilty of ill intent. His concentrating face was searching inside my eyes and not seeing me. If he saw the line of sweat dripping from my forehead, he might not believe what he was seeing. I continued to work against his efforts for another twenty seconds, before he released my hand, certain he'd seen all there was to see.

What I'd given him - or what I thought I'd given him - was my journals, my comprehensions of power and purpose, and my self-discovery. I kept it brief and to the point, as with my journal entries, omitting personal opinions and feelings. I silently thanked Grandfather for his thoughtful gift, which had allowed me to become aptly prepared for summarizing my life to Aro. As an ending, I showed the grief I felt to be without Leah, and how I had come to ask his permission for her to return with me. It was the only emotion I portrayed during the entire display. I wished it to influence his decision in some way.

"Fascinating," Aro said, rubbing his hands together in front of his now pacing form.

I couldn't decide whether or not I was successful. All I had was a hope I refused to release. I needed it. I pulled from Rosalie's confidence, tilting my chin in a dignified fashion. Pride in my Cullen title strengthened my knees.

"I'll need to discuss this with the others - you understand," he announced. "We make no decisions unless the majority agrees."

He returned to them, leaving me standing there stiffly. I stared at Marcus, waiting for the moment that he would break free from the absence of thought that plagued him. It was bound to happen. It had to. His vote, though unimportant to the other two, would be required. He would make a quick decision based on basic facts, and they would overrule him. This is how it always worked. Marcus was never in agreement with Caius, almost purposefully voting in opposition. This benefited Aro, who always held the final vote. With one on either side, Aro always got to make the decision. There weren't three leaders. There was Aro, and there were the two he manipulated into thinking they had any power. I wondered why they had never seen that before, when it was so clearly visible to me. I only needed a minute. Just one minute of Marcus's attention. Taking a deep breath, I waited.

"Brothers," Aro explained. "She would like to have her friend back."

I didn't miss Felix's entrance from behind us. I could smell him before the door opened. I wasn't about to turn. I pretended he didn't exist. I _wished_ he didn't exist. I didn't like him behind us, but I was able to tell his location based on the black licorice scent he brought with him.

Caius laughed and muttered, "Over my dead body."

_That can be arranged._

"Well then," Aro contemplated. "That does change things, as I would not wish to lose you as a comrade. I apologize Renesmee, but I don't see how this would be possible."

He moved slowly to his chair and slid his hand along Leah's fur. I grimaced and looked quickly back to Marcus, waiting for my chance. It would come soon or I would force it.

_Keep your dirty, disgusting hands off of her._

"I, for one, wouldn't mind removing the stink," Jane whispered.

"Now Jane," Aro replied sternly. "Play nice."

She grinned an evil grin and waited for her chance to _play_. It might happen at any moment. She wouldn't act without permission, though. That was the key. She was his slave as were the others. They had no free will. Chelsea made sure of that. They were so tightly knit it would only take removing one single thread to unravel their entire coven. Marcus _was_ that string that was buried in the center. I just needed to grab the end and pull, and it would all come apart. He needed to see me, and I could invoke the change and set my plan to action.

"Renesmee," Aro said, annoyed that I was not paying him full attention. "Do you know why Leah came to us?"

"With all due respect, Aro," I countered. "You know that I don't. You saw everything I know only moments ago."

Even my voice was not enough to get Marcus to turn. This whole plan might fail miserably. _Crap. Crap. Crap._

"Yes," Aro replied, his voice whimsical. "Such an experience to see things from your perspective. I've never met another who had such a talent to charm and induce affection."

This was the opening I needed. Mentioning her, even if only in passing, would invoke Marcus's interest. This was perfect, but he was looking at Aro. I needed him to look at _me_. Aro opened the door that would free us all, and he had no idea that he had done it.

_Choose your words carefully, Renesmee. Don't overdo it or everyone dies._

"I thank you for the compliment," I returned, "But I believe you are mistaken. You knew and loved someone who had a stronger charisma than I. Her name was Didyme was it not? She was your sister and wife to Marcus."

That did it. Marcus shifted, and his cloudy eyes locked with mine. I wasn't really sure what I was doing, had no way to know how to control the situation. All I knew was that Marcus had a talent too. His ability allowed him to determine the strength in connections. He was sensitive to relationships, though he rarely used his power. I poured from my heart all the love that I had, the happy, carefree love of everyone in my entire family. Once passing each unique member, I stopped to rest it on Leah. He had seen it. He had _seen_ my vision. I could tell by the strangely formed smile on his lips. I'm not sure whether I was able to push my gift outside myself or if he'd entered into my mind to see, but either way, he had seen. I could tell by the way his body turned to face me. No longer were his movements lethargic. He was alert - awake - for the first time in centuries.

_Feels good to finally be awake, doesn't it?_

The threads were unraveling. Aro panicked instantly in wonder over what Marcus had seen. Both he and Caius were used to him being a silent addition to their group, seldom speaking or moving. He was grateful and worried now. When Aro killed Didyme, his own sister, he had done so to ensure Marcus would remain tightly bound to the Volturi. He wasn't prepared to let Marcus know he was responsible for the loss of his love. Aro didn't know how that would change things. He was content to let him remain apathetic eternally.

"Brother?" Aro asked hesitantly. "What a treasure to see you…so...active. She really is amazing, isn't she?"

"You _will _allow the dog to go back to the master," Marcus demanded, "We've no need for it here."

_I'm sure she's going to have something to say about _that_ later._

"You idiot," Caius hissed out. "She tried to _kill_ you. Life in servitude is her penance for it."

In that moment I understood what led Leah to Volterra. She was atoning for what had happened in the only massive way she could think of. She was coming to kill a member of the Volturi Coven, thinking it was the only absolute act that could absolve her guilt for Emily and Sam's death. She knew it would mean the same fate for her, but she was willing to sacrifice herself, determined to take someone down with her. Is that why she was playing pet? Was she waiting for her chance? Her eyes held another sad truth. She was beaten, broken, and without the will to fight. She was at the low point Marcus was only moments before. Could I bring her back to life again as I had him?

"It matters little," Marcus argued. "Her presence has caused my awakening. I vote for release."

"I vote _against_ release," Caius shot back. "Aro, finish this nonsense."

Aro said nothing for a moment, truly uncertain which way he would lean. I thought he must surely be wondering what Marcus knew, and the question itself was enough to stop him from going against him. While Marcus hadn't been a threat to them for a great many years, he was no longer on the sidelines. He was very much alive, and the refreshed vigor was certainly intimidating.

"Jane," Caius screamed. "Deal with it, please."

While Jane generally only obeyed the commands of Aro, she also listened to the other leaders. Pack order demanded she obey all commands from anyone above her. Regardless, she wouldn't argue about something that gave her sheer pleasure. The immediate sting sucked the breath out of me, and I fell abruptly to the floor. My scream vibrated along the walls, and I was sure every bone inside my body was breaking into a million tiny pieces.

"Stop!" shouted a voice louder than my tortured wails, belonging to Marcus.

The pain was gone instantly, and I felt two arms lifting me from the ground. Jasper and Emmett had closed the gap between us and stood now at my sides. I tried to shake away Jane's lingering effects, fiery remnants slowly dissolving.

"It seems we are in disagreement over this matter," Aro stated, tapping his finger thoughtfully on his chin. "Maybe there can be a compromise."

"We're listening," the other two leaders said in unison.

"Obviously, this half-breed's presence appeals to you. It's nice to see you so...functional, Marcus. And Caius, I wouldn't want you feeling slighted," he said, pausing for a moment before finishing. "I propose a trade."

Aro paced back and forth, pleased that all attention was directed at him again. He liked it to be there. I watched him, knowing the tides had turned. There was definite hope, and I was sure that whatever offer he laid on the table I would take. Getting Leah back was worth whatever he wanted in return.

"Renesmee," he said, directing his speech to me. "I would be pleased to let Leah return home with you on a minor condition. This condition would be that you come back once she is safely deposited in Forks...to join our little family. We would be delighted to have you as part of our Coven."

"Out of the question," Emmett hissed.

I squeezed his arm lightly, begging silence. I heard the tiny hiss in return from Jane. She was ready to react. Regardless of his size, having felt her gift myself, I didn't want to test Emmett's resistance against it. I couldn't imagine his pained form lying on the floor because of me. It was time to release him from his role as my bodyguard. He might take a bullet for me, but I wouldn't let him if I could help it. It was my turn to protect all of them.

My purpose was clearly visible in the midst of potential chaos. I was never lagging along behind them, slowing their progression. I was never a burden to them. I was never living vicariously through their actions. The strings - our strings - weren't knit in the same fashion as the Volturi. I had taken one cord, Marcus's cord, and I had pulled it lose. Everything for them was falling apart, and they were too hungry for power to realize it.

The Olympic Coven wasn't bound in the same way. I was the center. While the strings wove around one another, folding and joining, knotting and unknotting, I remained in the core. All connections passed through me. I was the Earth between the Moon and the Sun, holding everything together. I _was_ the balance.

"Agreed," Caius countered. "What will it look like to others, allowing a half-breed into our folds? They would understand the wolf, as it benefits us. What benefit does this girl give us? She only shows our weakness."

"Fair enough," Aro retorted, returning to his contemplative pacing. "I wonder if there is another option...one that wouldn't cause such strong suspicions about weakness."

I knew what the condition was. He had seen what I allowed him to and knew of my decision to become human. He was insightful enough to know that would invoke response and make my choice to return more difficult. He had no intention of making this easy for me. It didn't matter. If I could save her it would be worth forfeiting my chance at a human life.

I could feel two tightened hands on my arms and was glad they were still touching me. My only hope was that they would loosen their grip before they amputated me on either side. I showed them my intentions through a vision that had them weakening their hold. If they disagreed they weren't about to show it. Not here. Not now.

"Out with it, Aro," Marcus commanded.

"A life for a life," he said simply. "Renesmee will become one of us. Imagine the strength of her power and how it would grow in her turning. I've seen into her mind and know this would be an equal trade."

"I will agree to this," I said hesitantly. "Only if I am not required to _stay_ here after my transition."

I watched a hint of sadness display on Marcus' face. It was enough to make me want to fix him. He was an important key to unlocking Leah. I wouldn't sever that link. If I agreed to come back, even if not permanently, he might stay on my side. I could tolerate short visits. I would mourn over the loss of my life in private. I needed to maintain strength. Lives were depending on it. Where Marcus seemed sad, Caius was doubtful I would return without incentive. My word was good enough for Aro, who already knew what a promise from me meant.

Leah stood, her massive form mere inches behind the leaders.

"You will return within a week," Aro replied sharply. "The last time we let one of your Coven leave on a promise, they waited a very long time to fulfill it. I'm not offering you that sort of courtesy. I will change you myself."

"We will change her," Jasper offered. "And will bring her back as you request in a week's time."

If they had to agree to this, they wanted it to happen where they could help me with the transition, where they could comfort me and explain everything I was going through.

"I will change her _myself_," Aro repeated, politely declining.

Leah shifted her weight behind them in preparation.

Aro had reasons of his own for wanting to oversee the change. He wanted to make sure he was there when my body began the transformation. He wanted to be the one guiding me through the process as though his very presence would strengthen my bond to the Volturi, as though his venom alone would bind me to him. He wanted to offer me up to Marcus as a consolation prize for his slain wife, his dead sister. In his mind this would absolve him for the murder, save him should the truth that was brimming spill over.

Caius was growing exceedingly impatient. His movements were twitchy and nearing frenzy. I used my gift to alert the others in case they hadn't noticed. They shifted and were on the ready.

"I promise I will return and give my life to you," I said somberly. "In exchange for Leah's freedom."

"Then it is settled," Aro said, clapping for himself. "I'm so very excited!"

I heard the low growl. Leah didn't like the idea and wasn't going to accept it as readily as Emmett and Jasper. She was going to do something that would force them to kill her, something she didn't have the strength for without a solid reason behind it. I was a very good reason in her mind.

"No Leah," I begged her. "Please."

She whimpered, not sure whether to listen to me or to lunge. That was all the time they needed to react. She yelped sharply, and I watched Jane take preventative measures against any menacing threat.

What happened next was a blur. Caius decided once again to take matters into his own hands and was reaching for Leah. If he couldn't have what he wanted, he wouldn't allow Marcus to either. With Leah dead I wouldn't have to come back. There would be no deal. So he would lose but so would Marcus. They would tie. Aro acted instantly, disgusted with the lack of civility. A single fluid motion was made by his finger permitting the guard to step in. The only thing I could see amidst the heaping pile of doom was Leah taking several steps backward and around the murder. The sound of Caius gurgling out his last bit of unneeded air stung my eardrums. The Guard tore him apart, literally ripped him into thousands of pieces. No pause. No remorse.

"One week," Aro called after us.

I tried to comprehend it, but I didn't fully understand what had happened until we were free of the city, until I was able to do a slow motion replay of the pictures in my mind. Somehow Jasper, Emmett, Leah, and I left the Volturi castle unscathed. Caius was dead. I would be dead within a weak.

I froze mid-picture, instantly stopping progression, and Leah moved forward to brush my palm with her snout.

"Good idea," I whispered. "We'd better get out of here before they change their minds."

Exiting the city, I noted shadows shifting. Kachiri disappeared before we approached the car. Her scent was still strong. She'd kept up her end of the bargain. I had my own promise to follow through with now. This new future changed things and altered what I thought I was becoming.

Three things couldn't change. Who I was, what I could do, and my purpose were constant. Dead or alive those roots were too deep to be lifted from me. I thought of Nahuel's painting and wondered if he knew all along this was my fate. Staring back at me from my memory were two familiar eyes surrounded by an enveloping black. I would be a vampire in less than a week. It terrified me.


	16. Flying Free

**Chapter 16 – Flying Free**

_I believe that if one always looked at the skies, one would end up with wings_. - Gustave Flaubert

We gathered in the car, and while we waited for Leah to phase and change into the clothes we brought her, I picked up the sealed envelope from the leather seat and shoved it into my pocket. I wondered what the words were on the paper inside, but knew they were not meant for my eyes. Should I be concerned? Was it wrong for me to feel a ping of jealousy?

Leah was the last to enter and sat next to me. I had a lot I wanted to say to her, to explain to her, but only one question seemed more important than everything else. I needed confirmation. Would she fault me for asking? Would it offend her? Her defeated expression made me wonder if she could find the strength to respond at all.

"Did you kill her?" I whispered.

"No," she replied somberly. "But it feels like I did."

I leaned toward her, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her to me. All the pent up anger and pain she carried overflowed and spilled out her eyes. The two vampires in the front seat passed me an apologetic glance, and I ignored them. I knew she wasn't responsible; now I had proof.

She wept, and I continued to comfort her until we arrived at the airport. I wanted to take it all away for her, make the regret and torment stop. Soon I would free her from that.

Trying to get her to understand she wasn't a murderer would be difficult, but convincing her might allow me to forgive myself. She was no more to blame than I was. My emails didn't force her hand; Emily did not force her hand. Emily had stepped into the middle of something deadly, and regardless of intention, the blind rage and battle was unyielding to her innocent presence. If I expected Leah to relinquish responsibility for her part in what happened, I too had to relinquish mine.

Leah was far too stubborn to willingly shirk blame. Like I had done with Seth, I had to step in and take it from her. The afterglow of success had my adrenaline pumping. Once we boarded the plane I felt comfortable and strong enough to tend to the final details of a great tragedy by taking the memories.

Leah stared forlorn out the window, and I gently took her hand in mine. I gave her light pictures, answers to things she would be curious about. Seth. Jacob. Sue. Sharing thoughts wakened me, brought alive my senses as I pushed them into someone's mind. Taking thoughts away brought with it an uncontrollable drain that weakened me. Through the channel I worked to free her. She never looked away from the window, and I wished we were already in the air, longing for the sky above the clouds.

I tried not to concentrate on the thoughts, imagining them as pictures I might glance at should I be browsing through a magazine. The whole process was very disorienting as I tried to line everything up in proper order when it was going the wrong way. As I pulled, I pushed into the empty space feelings of freedom. It was all I could think of when the plane began to move down the tarmac.

To other passengers, we were two young women leaving a beautiful city at dusk. My gasping was certainly due to the incredible view offered as we ascended up to the sky. When we lifted off the runway I worked with the movement, trying to give her the gift of flight.

Once comfortably drifting in the sky - no way to know whether I was successful aside from the easy, half-smile on her face - I played the movie in my mind. I had a clear view of what had happened from her first-hand account. I tried to watch the whole thing from an outside perspective so that emotions wouldn't alter what I witnessed. I silently thanked Grandfather and Zafrina for his journals and her visions, which allowed me to fine-tune more than my words. They also helped me isolate and relay my images with more clarity and detail.

Leah had been in control enough to see Emily coming. Her approach had stopped Leah's fury. Leah had backed away for long enough to allow Emily the room she needed to make her fatal mistake. The movement had not been one of callus intention. It had been done in hopes that Emily would have the power needed to halt Sam's rage. It hadn't worked. Sam had finished the job he had started years earlier and killed the love of his life. Leah had witnessed this.

Leah had stood frozen, unable to fight back, knowing that if not for her outburst Sam would never have lost his control. She had stood there, waiting to die and deserving death, wanting it to absolve the guilt she felt for the now limp form lying on the floor. She had wanted Sam to end her - to free her from the pain he had placed on her, the ache she had been forced to deal with on a daily basis in having lost him. He had been torn and unable to see how the choice he had made, his inability to sustain calm, had been the only reason his beloved Emily had died.

When Seth and Jacob had burst through the door, Leah had barely seen them. They had been merely whispers in her ears. All she had seen was the desire in Sam's eyes to kill her too. She had welcomed the release. When Seth had stepped in, she had regained enough common sense to know she needed to leave. That's when she had run until her feet were unable to continue any longer. If she could have flown, she would have left this earth and drifted above it to a peaceful place. Instead, she had been left with a choice and a possibility to validate redemption so that in her next life she could be free. That had been when she got the idea to go to Volterra. Death would find her there, and she would rise to meet it. Her offerings would bring appeasement.

I turned my head slowly to watch her sleep. I could only hope that it would be so easy with the others in Jacob's pack. We still hadn't made a decision about how to handle them. It was about to make itself. I only had a week to get everything taken care of. I wasn't sure what the end of my travels would bring, but I knew it wasn't enough time to get everything done that I wanted. Progression toward forever, which I used to think came at a snail's pace, was now coming quicker than I wanted. While time was soon to be a trivial matter, it felt like the seconds were ticking by impossibly fast and that if I blinked I might miss a moment I would never get back.

I wouldn't regret my choice to free Leah. If asked to reenact the events, I would. I couldn't think of anything I might have changed to produce a better ending. No member of my family was hurt. A Volturi leader was dead, and we didn't even have to get our hands dirty. The only one dying was me, and I could live with that, even if not literally.

Exhaustion settled in, and I leaned back into the seat. I tried to think back to the benefits of immortality, the ones that until recently seemed appealing enough to have me swaying toward that choice. Why did it seem so long ago? I was too tired to analyze and come to terms with things. Pushing my power depleted valuable energy. I needed as much strength as I could muster in returning home. Proud of my accomplishments, I closed my eyes and let it all fade into black. The absence of thought welcomed me, and I cuddled into the cool, dark blanket of my future.

**#**

As if preparing for the caravan of vampires waiting for us when we got off the plane, the sun wasn't present in Forks when we returned. I tried not to think about how it always seemed to welcome me home. It would be strange for me to not have the freedom to enjoy it anymore. That would no longer be a luxury for me. Soon I would experience the same limitations as my vampire family, and while I had always thought that their shimmer was visually stimulating, I could already understand how it would be cumbersome. I would no longer be able to tuck that side of myself away when I wanted to try out the other. Maybe it wasn't right for me to have that choice, and this was the only fair way to step forward.

If I dedicated my thoughts to the change I didn't want it would deter me from my current path. I had more important things to consider than myself. We weren't out of the woods with Leah. She was still visibly drained and had deep circles that needed time to heal. She was still in danger from a deeper pain. Would they accept the truth and take her back? Did I have the power to remove the thoughts from all of them? I reflected back to the forest clearing and how Mom's shield was able to protect the pack so long as she had the Alpha in her sights. Maybe I could do the same. If I washed the memory from Jacob it might cleanse them all. It was worth a shot.

I spent the silent drive home between Mom and Dad in the back seat. Leah was up front next to Sue, who was driving Dad's Volvo. He relinquished the steering wheel to be next to me. I was impressed and pleased to have them next to me. Both Mom and Dad held one hand. I felt safe, for once pleased to be in the middle of something.

I didn't feel like talking. So I showed my parents what had occurred in our brief absence. It was a replay of details Jasper would have already given them, but I needed to _show_ my perspective as well. They were equally silent, contemplative. I could tell by Dad's fixed expressions that he was trying to think of some way to get me out of the mess I had created for myself.

_I made a promise. I will keep it. We have bigger things to think about right now._

His jaw tightened. His happiness at my return saved me from having a further discussion about my coming transformation. There was still time for debates, and they might never fully understand my reasons for agreeing to what I did. All I knew was that when I looked into the front seat and saw Leah sitting there, physically unharmed and breathing, it was worth it. Whatever happened, it was the only right decision I could make, and I would never regret it. For the first time, in a long time and possibly ever, I was doing something for someone else, and that felt far more rewarding than any mounds of insights I gained during my self-discoveries. The only wrong Leah had committed was in feeling love for someone who could never love her back. Not like she needed. Not like she deserved.

This presented the one hesitation that lingered, the one in my heart. Would I still need to make a choice between Jacob and Nahuel? After they found out I was becoming a vampire, neither of them might want me anymore. How would it affect my choice? How would it affect theirs? Would I lose them both?

We were driving Sue back to Grandpa's house when I thought Leah might jump out of the moving car. She held her hands firmly against the window class, pressing as if to reach something. By the entrance of Newton's Olympic Outfitters, I saw someone holding a broom. He stopped mid-sweep. I tilted my head and could not for the life of me figure out what was so appealing about the pale-blue eyes staring toward the passenger window. Leah might have made me eat my words had I asked them out loud. Her world was on the other side of the glass, and I heard Dad chuckle.

"Seriously?" Mom groaned. "Come on, Leah. Mike Newton? Seriously?"

Dad found the words quite funny. They were having some sort of inside joke I wasn't privy too, and it annoyed me. It didn't feel like a time for laughing. We had some serious ground to cover. Was I the only responsible party? It seemed like it didn't matter which side of the fence I was on. Everyone else was always going to be on the other side. In my short-lived youth I had been impossibly childish. Everyone around me had been overly mature – well, everyone but Emmett. Now that I was on their level, they had reverted to foolish behavior. The cycle was frustrating.

When Sue continued to drive, a little faster than before, I realized she wasn't overly impressed by the odd connection either. Leah was bending her head around to watch Mike as we continued down the street. He seemed equally enthralled, though unable to see anything inside the deeply tinted windows. I heard Leah take a deep breath. As she exhaled I realized it was the first breath of the rest of her life. Leah Clearwater had just imprinted on Mike Newton, and for some strange reason my parents thought that was funny. All I could think of was how thankful I was he hadn't been able to see her drooling all over the window. I wasn't an expert on the wiles of men, but I was pretty sure slobbering all over one upon first meeting was grounds for immediate rejection.

"Couldn't you have picked a boy with a little more ambition, someone a little more like you?" Sue muttered, not really expecting a response.

"Oh," Leah spoke like she was defending her child. "You mean like a nice boy down on the reservation?"

I sucked my breath in, not wanting the slightest bit of attention directed at me. I had heard this type of argument before with Nahuel. It wasn't so very different. He thought we were destined to be together because we had the same biological makeup, the same genetic similarities. He wouldn't consider a human or a vampire because they were not like him. I tapped my pocket lightly, wondering what exactly the letter from Kachiri would say to Nahuel. Would it be a plea for him to come to his senses? A goodbye? Was their situation really so different than Leah imprinting on Mike Newton, the dirty blonde used-to-be jock?

"No," Sue argued. "It's just that _this_ boy, in particular, used to be a very popular type boy, and now he is working in his parent's sporting goods store. It's not every parent's dream-mate for their daughter."

"Actually," Dad countered on Leah's behalf. "He runs the store now. His parents aren't well enough to do it on their own. I'm surprised you don't know that."

Leah turned around, instantly interested in hearing more. It was strange to see her so attentive to the vampires. She loathed them, but as my Dad sat there spilling all sorts of personal details about the stranger to her, her face lit up. She was determined to remember every single little detail she could get out of him. Mom joined in, though her offerings were more based on attributes anyone could see. Dad was able to give her a glance into Mike's mind, which could help her case _when_ she returned to him. It would be in the first chance she got.

I leaned back in the seat between Mom and Dad. I had no desire to be included in their discussion. It was like listening to the chirping blonde on the Amazon boat tour. I had more pressing things on my mind. Closing my eyes, I barely noticed when Sue stepped from the car. Nor did I notice when Dad put himself back in the driver's seat, continuing the catalogue of everything he knew about the boy of Leah's immediate and eternal affections. Mom held my hand as we drove back to the Cullen house.

They were there and waiting for us as I knew they would be. Grandfather and Grandmother. Alice and Jasper. Rosalie and Emmett. Nahuel stood still beside Jacob. Jacob ignored Nahuel's presence entirely upon my approach. In an attempt to either drive Nahuel mad with jealousy or pure elation to see me, Jacob ran to the Volvo and nearly ripped me from the seat, gripping me in his iron arms. It was impossible not to appreciate the gesture, and I hugged him back. Nahuel scowled.

Once free of the vice I moved to help Leah out. It was too late. Seth was already there, and they were both lost in a sibling moment free of rivalry which was short-lived.

"Get off me, punk," Leah grumbled. "You're making me look bad."

I passed Jacob a questioning glance, and he shrugged. I wanted to know how much Seth knew but wasn't sure how to approach the subject. If Jacob was here, and waiting, it meant he was already advised about what we had found out. Leah was innocent. I wondered who else knew. Had he told the pack?

My question was answered as I noticed thirteen prancing wolves at the edge of the trees. My heart stopped. I thought they were banned from shifting, which would have made conclusions far less troublesome. They moved back and forth, never closer than the tree line. Pleasantries were over. Suddenly, making the trip to Volterra was like a vacation in comparison to facing the irate wolves at the forest's edge.

"They're wolves," I whispered.

_Get her inside. Please._

Dad looked at me, searching through the menacing forms to try to read intent. If he wasn't ghostly white already, his icy skin would have turned an even paler shade in confirming my fear.

"Jacob," I said, voice coming out in hitched gasps. "What did you do?"

I had distracted him again, and this particular incident could have us all being ripped to shreds. Several hissers stood ready, and still, the line between us was not nearly long enough. If Leah sensed the anger, the animosity, she would phase, and everything I had taken away from her would come crashing back all at once. How could it not breaking her apart? I wasn't worried about Seth. He would bounce back this time. Past the shock, I knew he would be able to understand the magnitude of what had happened. He would be able to look through Jacob's eyes and see the sense of it all. Seth had a good, big heart that was capable of holding enough love to overpower any lingering feelings of doubt. He was an optimist. I didn't have the same hope for Leah. She wasn't strong enough to go through it all again. Would her newfound imprinting give her the added fortitude she needed?

I heard the crack of bone and a grinding sound. I turned to see that Jacob had phased beside me. He let out a loud yowl, which was echoed by the forms in the trees. Nahuel was at my side in an instant, trying to pull me away from the scene. I wasn't budging. I could see the lingering confusion in Leah changing to something different. Her pack was on guard, and so she needed to adjust herself to work with them. She had no idea they were there for her. Did they know? Had Jacob told them what he knew? Why had he allowed them to phase? Did he not understand the consequences of such a dangerous action?

I had only one choice and only seconds to make it. I pushed free of Nahuel and grabbed firm on Leah's arm. She couldn't feel it. Her body was starting to turn. As I touched her, I pushed the images again to her mind. I gave her the plane, the flying, and the gliding far above the clouds. I offered her the boundless drift of the air around her form. She wanted to soar. Leah was a shape-shifter. I couldn't take away her birth rites. It was ingrained in her blood, but it didn't have to own her.

Wolf was the choice, because it was the only choice she had ever known. I gave her something different, another option. I took away the very first phase, the one that impacted how all other phases would occur. She shifted, and as she did, I saw with relief and contentment what she became. Leah's wings spread wide outside her form, and I watched her climb into the sky. As she circled above us, a tear trailed down my cheek and to the ground. Symbolizing a freedom she had craved and needed, she became the Eagle she was destined to be.

She never had to know the awful truth. She could still protect her tribe and speak to the leader of another pack, but her thoughts would be hers and hers alone. Flying high, I knew she'd found the peace and purpose she was destined to find. Leah was finally free.

The continued animosity echoed around me, bringing my feet back to the ground. My heart stayed in the sky.

"Did you tell them?" I yelled at Jacob, before turning to the pack. "Did he tell you?"

"They just weren't ready to let her back in," Dad said softly. "Try to understand their side…they all thought…we all thought…"

I was that I was the only one who knew Leah was not capable of murder. No one else seemed surprised or cared in the least. They didn't appreciate her. She was nothing to them. So why should they care? They didn't deserve her. Why were they still standing there looking like they were going to tear a strip off of us? Why were my vampires giving me apologetic looks? They should be apologizing to her, not to me. They couldn't. They couldn't tell her, because she couldn't know, wouldn't understand.

I wanted to throw Jacob under the bus that he'd obviously thrown Leah under. I wanted him to feel that same pain he'd just made me feel for what he'd done to her. I wanted everyone under that same bus, and I wanted Leah to be the one driving it. She wouldn't. That was the point. She wasn't capable, and I was the only one to see it.

"Tell them!" I shrieked. "Who killed Sam? Was it Leah? No! And Sam killed Emily because he couldn't control his stupid temper. And all of you, you're no better. You're over there growling and angry about something you cannot begin to understand. Leah didn't have a choice! She loved Sam. She loved Emily too. She _wanted_ to die! She _tried_ to die! And you want to sit there and lay blame? Try blaming yourselves. Shame on you. Shame on you for not believing in her. She was the best of all of you."

I stomped up the steps and into the house careful not to slam the door. My point was made, and I'd done it without breaking something, sobbing, or requiring Jasper's calm. It was a pretty good victory. It was the painting resting against the foyer wall that stopped my internal tirade. I'd seen it before, but in a much different circumstance, in a much different light.

The same two eyes were staring at me, but the overall feel was opposite. The backdrop still maintained vampiric darkness, but in the foreground was me. A light cascaded around my body as though exuding from me. It was fighting away the shadows. One hand was extended outward - giving. One hand was pulled to my chest - taking. It was on the other side of the fence like everything else. When I'd decided to be human the replica depicted a vampiric me. Now that I was going to become a vampire, the mirror showed me full of brightness, breaking through the black. I recognized the artist of the beautiful, contradictory portrait instantly. He was the only one I knew who could paint such lovely works, resembling the heart and soul of the muse.

"Do you like it?" Nahuel asked hesitantly, coming to stand behind me.

"It's beautiful," I stammered.

"Like you," he said on a smile.

"I saw this before," I admitted. "But…not like this."

"It is the same painting," he argued. "Like you, it simply wasn't finished."

"It will be a nice memory," _A way to remember what I used to be._

He moved close enough to wrap his arms around me. I couldn't breathe from the relief of his touch. He leaned down and kissed my chin, electrical currents shooting out from his breath. He tilted my chin up to face him. I got lost in the warm teak. I shifted when his lips brushed mine, causing the letter to move in my pocket. It distracted me from kissing him back. Reaching inside, I grabbed the sealed envelope and handed it to him.

"A letter," I said somberly. "From Kachiri."

I thought he might put it away for a more private viewing, but he seemed quite eager to see what was inside. I fidgeted nervously in the few seconds it took him to read the words on the printed page. Every emotion displayed itself; anger, fear, and happiness. Once finished, he meticulously folded it. With the same gentle care, he placed it back inside the envelope, which he placed in his jacket. He had no intention of telling me what was inside the letter, and I couldn't bring myself to ask. Whatever Kachiri had written had disturbed and delighted him, and it wasn't meant for my eyes. Thankfully, Jacob came barreling through the door, before I let the curiosity outweigh propriety. My continued annoyance at him distracted me again.

Bustling with his pocket, he said in defeated tone, "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Nahuel narrowed his eyes, and I heard Jacob growl low in his throat. A flutter happened inside me, and I realized that both of them still wanted me. They were acting like a couple of jealous boys, but it showed that they still wanted to be with me enough to fight for me. Was it a temporary thing? Did they have plans to try to talk me out of my decision? There was no way to know whether they would maintain affection after the change, but this was certainly hopeful.

"Yes," I said, folding my arms across my chest. _If you weren't so stinking adorable, I would say no._

Jacob stood, sort of shifting his foot like a child who has gotten in trouble. Nahuel remained, shooting an icy stare toward Jacob.

"Alone," Jacob said, stretching out the word to make sure certain occupants fully got his message.

"Yes," I agreed, patting Nahuel lightly on the arm before he slid out the front door.

Jacob noticed that. He also noticed the lovely portrait behind me. I watched him tap his pants pocket again. Maybe he was carrying around a lucky charm. I tried to ignore why that would catch my attention. This time he sighed. I didn't budge from my location, arms still folded across my chest. I wasn't about to give up so easily. What did it matter that his ocean current still washed strongly through my almost human senses? What did it matter that his very presence opened the floodgates for a fire so strong I thought it would singe me to my core?

Nahuel electrocuted me, and Jacob flamed me. Neither was a bad death option, in comparison to what was coming. I understood the effects of being bitten. I knew the pain would be overpowering, but it would only be temporary. Then all the things I was used to feeling wouldn't exist. My entire life, which I had finally sorted out, would shift again and bring me to my next phase. Not long ago I would have been eager for progression. Now I just wanted time to stop. It was going to stop – but not in the right way. It was going to come crashing to an absolute halt.

"You okay?" Jacob offered, more aware of my feelings than I realized.

"Yeah," I replied. "I'm super fantastic."

"Listen," he began. "About before. I would really like to explain."

"I'm sure you would," I retorted smartly. _And of course, I am going to have to sit here and listen to it, and forgive you, even if I don`t want to._

"When you have to lead a group," Jacob explained. "It's more than just yourself you have to think about."

"Yes," I agreed. "You're supposed to look out for the _whole_ pack." _Like Leah._

"Right," he said, undisturbed by my comment. "It's more than that. You have to think of the greater good, not just single units. You have to look at the pack as a _whole_. I had to do what was best for all of them, Leah included."

I thought about that, not quite sure whether it made sense to me. I tried to view it from a different perspective, finding it difficult to see beyond my own biased affection for Leah. She was unhappy. They were unhappy. This had been going on since the beginning, and no sudden shift in events had changed that. Most of them – those under Sam's care - had been without the integration requirement. To bring Leah back to them would have been complicated regardless of the situation. The death, the unfortunate series of events that lead to her new role as sky watcher, didn't alter their path. They still had their roles. Leah would still fulfill her obligations, only in a more effective way. Neither side would impede the other. They would truly be a team. It was hard not to see Jacob's point, even though I didn't want to. In other circumstances I might have drawn out the fight, letting him stew and think about upsetting me. I didn't really have the luxury of time on my side to feign anger.

"It is what it is," I said, shrugging. "You always seem to know the right thing to do."

"Sure sure," he replied, flashing a bright, white smile. "And you always seem to know what needs to happen to fix things long-term. I deal with things _when_ they happen. I band-aid problems when they arise. You...you have a way of making _everything_ better, you change things in a _big_ way."

Alert to the instant pink in my cheeks, I shook my head. I didn't believe that. What he saw, and how he viewed me was clouded. I wasn't shy; nor was I blind to my abilities. I was powerful. I was beautiful. I was talented. But I didn't have the added imprinting feature that falsely made me think myself worthy of the pedestal he placed me on. I knew what I needed to do, but wanted to give myself a few more days to make sure it was the _right_ thing to do. It would be hard, maybe harder than anything I had done so far, but it was necessary for everyone involved in my life.

Moving over to the tall wall-to-floor windows, I looked up at the sky. Leah was still circling, playing with her new wings like a child with a shiny new toy. I smiled and let my thoughts drift through the air with her. The bliss was temporary for me, but I was greedy for even a small stint of amity. Sighing, I wondered how I would get through the week. I had a decision to make, and would postpone making it until I absolutely had to.


	17. Decisions Decisions

**Chapter 17 – Decisions Decisions**

It was easy to avoid making my decision, because there had been too many other things eating up my time – mainly the seven days had been spent learning about the probable effects of the alteration that was set to happen in less than twenty-four hours.

Both Jacob and Nahuel had taken turns trying to change my mind. They had reached a level of compromise in realizing that swaying my decision had been more important than fighting for my affections. It had been challenging for me to focus on what was coming when my mind kept shifting back to them. I didn`t really think I would want to make my decision until after I died. I wouldn`t allow them to make promises that might be broken once I was no longer human, just as I would not break mine by evading Volterra.

Maybe if either of them was truly choosing me it would have been simple. But neither of them was _choosing_ me. They were instead making decisions based on preconceived notions of what they should do – not what they wanted to do.

The closer I had come to the end of the week, the more stress and pressure I had experienced in waiting. That had been the worst, trying to find the patience to enjoy what I could _while_ I could. I wanted to get it over with.

I resigned myself to my parents' wishes in wanting to come, not willing to sacrifice their presence. I needed their support, and they knew that. I didn't plan on arguing with Aro, so there was no reason why they shouldn't come with me. He hadn't specified that I couldn't bring guests. He had just wanted to make sure I would come back, as though I was the key to his future. Would he be disappointed with what he unlocked?

At the airport I tried to explain to Jacob, for the last and hundredth time why he couldn`t come with me. Jacob was the hardest for me to leave behind, and I was pretty sure that until Aro sunk his teeth into my flesh, I would still be thinking about the confused expression on his face as the plane lifted off the runway.

"Please don't go," Jacob pleaded, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"You know I have no choice." _You're making this so much harder than I want it to be._

"Then why can't I come with you?" he continued.

"You can't leave them, Jacob," I explained. "You know that. They are a mess right now. They need you more than ever. You can't walk away from that."

"But _he_ gets to go?" he countered, fidgeting again with his pockets.

"_He_ doesn't have a pack to lead," I rebutted. _I've already messed up enough. You need to focus on them._

"You are the only thing that matters to me," he said, a ripple of sentiment I was unaccustomed to hearing coming through in his words. "I have waited my whole life for you."

There was an obvious strain in his voice, like he was considering using the time they had given us alone to kidnap me. It was more than stubbornness; it was terror. As a guardian for his tribe, and Alpha of his pack, he was brave and always prepared. Yet he wasn't ready to watch me become something his kind had spent hundreds of years destroying. How would that affect his purpose for existing? Just as I had found my answers, I had messed up everything about who he was, what he could do, and what his purpose was. I hated to see him in pain when I was the cause.

"Jacob," I said, trying to figure out how to explain to him that he didn't know _what_ he wanted. "I know you care about me..." _But you really don't have an option. You did your stupid wolf thing and now you're stuck._

"Please," he interrupted. "You can go. Just come back, okay? Just promise me you'll come back. I'll stay. I'll do whatever you want. Just...you have to come back."

Everything shifted, and his desperation had my heart sinking into a slow, unsteady rhythm. Did he think I was running away with Nahuel? In that moment, as my heart nearly fell to my feet and stopped, I made my choice.

I loved Nahuel. I loved every moment we had spent together. I loved the electric current that went shooting through my system when he touched me. I would miss that.

But I was _in love _with Jacob. The answer had been there all along, and no new discoveries, no matter how fresh, could sway my path. As all rivers lead to the sea, meeting Nahuel had played a role in getting me to this point, in showing me true emotions I might never have recognized before experiencing them for someone other than Jacob.

Looking into the deep brown of Jacob's eyes, I knew that whether it was beating or not my heart belonged to him. Seeing him stare at me, sadness spilling over his lids, his lack of confidence unnerved me. It wasn't clear to him. My feelings were lost in that same ominous cloud that blurred his feelings for me.

He hadn't waited his whole life for _someone like me._ Jacob Black had waited his whole life _for me._

"Okay," I agreed, sliding my hand to wipe a tear from his golden cheek.

"_Promise,_" he persisted, trying to regain some level of calm.

"I promise," I replied. "I'll come back." _But you don't know what you are making me agree to. I won't be the same person. You won't want me anymore._

He pulled one hand out of his pocket and grabbed mine before I could retract it from his face. I thought about jerking it free but decided against it. Wolves were notorious for mood swings, and I really didn't want to lose a limb before I could fully regenerate it via my new vampire form, so I stayed perfectly still.

"I made this," he said, his voice so low I had to strain to hear him. "This was the first thing I ever carved..."

He opened fingers and resting on his palm was a wooden circle. I frowned when I realized what it was – a ring.

"My mom has a bracelet you made for her," I argued quickly, not sure what the item meant to him. _Great. You're going to do the lunatic thing again._

"I made this before that," he replied, hesitation in his voice. "If...I put it on your finger...and it fits, maybe you will finally understand what we are meant to be."

"You want me to wear a ring you made before I existed?" I asked.

I was nervous. He had a ring, and I was scared of what he was trying to get across in his strange, anxious speech. He needed to stop, before I lost the willpower to ignore what he was saying in his confused, overexerted state. It would be too easy to believe, too easy to agree to.

"Yes," he continued, unmoved by my instantly overworked heart. "I love you. I have loved you since before you were created. You are the very fabric of my world. It doesn't matter what you _are_, it matters what you _do. _I know you. I want you by my side in the cabin I built for us. I didn't build it for you. I didn't build it for me. I built it for _us - _in the center of our lives. I'm ready to share my world with you, and I want you to share your world with me. Will you please let me put this on your hand where it belongs?"

"What if it doesn't fit?" I whispered, losing strength.

"A little faith please," he said, trying to find his smile.

"I can't..." I stammered. "...do this." _If I let you put that ring on my finger, I won't be able to walk away from you. Ever._

I definitely didn't _want_ to walk away from him, and this new prospect made it even more difficult to keep my promise. It would be all too easy to forget about what I had agreed to – being with Jacob made everything else seem unimportant in comparison. But I couldn't let myself be the reason for another 'visit' from the Volturi. Not again. Not if I had the power to stop it.

I couldn't think of anything else to do. Distraction was my only hope to keep him from doing something he might regret once I became his enemy. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, lifting on my toes and pressing my lips into the heat of his mouth.

I thought I might drown in the taste of him. He was the sea and fresh ocean surf. I'd missed that in my immaturity and eagerness to offer myself to him during our first almost-kiss.

I slowed my movements, trying to detail each shift and curve of his mouth against mine, something to remember. His reaction was different, relaxed. The stiff memory I had of our first kiss was replaced with a giving form that moved into me and curved perfectly against me.

I needed to focus; the distraction was supposed to be on his end – not mine. I had to do something to offer him a way out; I needed to give him the choice I had been given. I had chosen Jacob Black, but he had not chosen me. I could not live my life, or almost-life, in knowing he was locked into something that he had no control over.

The channel was broad, allowing me to slip in unnoticed. Searching, I knew exactly what to look for. I didn't want to remove everything about his feelings. What I wanted - what I took - was that first and one moment when we had connected. Rosalie had been holding me, Jacob had wanted to kill me, and then we had locked eyes. Everything had changed. My world had become his only world. Neither of us had realized that the connection had been two-sided.

I felt the channel narrowing. The longer I took to connect to that one finite moment, the more difficult it was to rip it from his memory. What I took from him was something I already had inside myself. It wasn't a copy that would overwrite what was already there. It was more like a mirror, reflecting back what it saw. I closed the channel, and there was nothing to reflect back. The light inside me fizzled out.

In his confusion, and my own, I removed his lips from mine. He stood staring strangely into the distance. I was aware of what I'd left him with, and I knew it would be very disorienting for a while. He would forgive me. I might even forgive myself. As the plane lifted off the runway, I sighed both from relief and sadness. I had freed Jacob Black from his imprinting bond.

**#**

Sitting next to Nahuel, I wasn't sure how to bring closure. I didn't want to hurt him and truly believed that he was meant to be with someone else. Trying to get him to understand that might require some manipulation on my part. Having come to terms with my choice, I hoped I would be able to offer him a chance to explore something real with someone who loved him no matter what he was or could be.

Jacob might not want me after I'd broken his connection to me, but that didn't make it fair for me to keep Nahuel around as a replacement, especially when he wasn't mine to keep.

Sensing my mood, Nahuel reached his hand over and placed it gently on mine. The charges went off where he connected with my skin, and I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as I wanted it to be. I genuinely cared for him and worried about his reaction. Would he accept my decision? Would he be angry? Would he be relieved? There was no way to know until I committed to telling him.

Dad turned around, looking over the seat at me.

_A little privacy please?_

He smiled tightly and moved himself and Mom to a set of empty seats further toward the front of the plane. While I knew they could still hear everything that was said, the sentiment was appreciated; they wouldn't listen.

_Thank you._

"I'm not going to be the person you want me to be after this," I started. "I don't know who I will be after Aro changes me."

"You will be who you have always been," Nahuel argued. "That won't change. Your biology will be different, but not your personality."

"I won't be_ like you_ anymore," I continued.

"I've considered this," he replied thoughtfully. "I will request transformation as well."

"That's not what you want," I countered. "I feel like the logical course for you is humanity."

"My course will follow yours," he persisted. "It matters little which way we travel."

"And if you become a vampire," I whispered. "There will be no middle ground."

"I accept this," he acknowledged.

"Then you need to take something else into consideration," I persisted. "You will be a vampire."

"Yes," he agreed, growing annoyed at having to repeat himself. "We have already covered this."

"But if you are a vampire, and you have committed to that change," I continued, pausing as the lump built in my throat. "I would not be the only vampire you might wish to choose."

"Have I not already told you I have waited my entire life for someone like you?" he explained. "Do you not believe my words?"

"Someone _like_ me, Nahuel," I repeated. "There are more options on the other side...like Kachiri."

"Ah," he returned, with a small sadness in his teak eyes that made me realize my choice was the right one. "She is wonderful, but she is not like us."

"No," I reasoned. "But you will be like her soon."

He took a moment to let that register. It had never occurred to him that once he shifted his biology, his beliefs would not prohibit their companionship. He would be like her; they could be together. He sighed deeply, and I knew I had placed a heavy strain on his heart. He was stuck with his own decision to make. Would he choose the love he had felt for so long, or would he stay his course toward a future he had committed to? I needed to let him come to his own conclusions, not wanting him to be forced into something that could potentially lead to regrets.

"She loves you," I added.

"I – I don't know," he said, still lost in thought. "I never considered this. It matters little. I'm here now. We're here together."

"You will always be special to me," I assured him. "The letter - what did it say?"

He took in a long breath and let out a dramatic sigh.

"I'm not sure what it said, but I can take an educated guess," I persisted. "She wanted to wish you the happiness you deserve. She wanted you to know that you are in her heart, and that no matter what happens, you always will be. She told you that she would miss you very much."

"You missed the part about how I was blessed to have you in my life, and if she could choose someone for me, aside from her, it would be you," he admitted.

I blushed lightly at the compliment.

"This," he stated. "It would not hurt you?"

"When you love someone," I explained. "You want them to be happy. I do love you Nahuel, but I am not in love with you. You love me, too, but you are not in love with me. You are in love with Kachiri, and you can be with her now. I understand why you waited. Fate led me to you to let me experience something that will never be forgotten - I will never forget you. Thank you for the time you have shared with me."

He smiled and pulled my hand to his lips. The electricity sizzled along my skin. He would be happy, and that really was the only thing that was important.

When we exited the plane, I talked him out of following us to Volterra. It was better for him to fly home to her. She would be hurting, and until he presented himself the pain would continue. I didn't need him with me for support. I had the best support network a girl could ask for. Mom and Dad were in the car and waiting while I hugged Nahuel goodbye. I imagined Kachiri's face, watching the pain float away as he finally announced his intentions for her. When we saw each other again, they would be together as it was meant to be.

The drive was quiet at first. When Mom tried to get into the back seat with me I refused her, preferring to spend the time in reflection. I stared out at the darkness and was sad that I would not be able to feel the sun on my skin one last time before succumbing to a constant chill. I counted my heartbeats, oddly fascinated by the drumming that would soon cease. I would miss everything about being me, especially the physical perfection of middle ground.

I'd given up on human food a few days prior. Grandfather thought it might help my transition. I was willing to try it. I was not looking forward to dying or the pain of it - the burning, as Mom had described it.

"You've grown so much in such a little time," Mom said, sadness in her musical voice.

"I've had a good life," I replied. "Short as it was."

"It's not the end," Dad argued. "I know this wasn't your choice. None of us are pleased by it, but it's better than losing you. That was the only part of you being human that bothered me. Shortened life span."

I smiled. I didn't want to be without them either. Now I would have them forever. He was good at finding positive outcomes in generally dismal situations. It hadn't always been like that for him. He had been described to me as someone who was hopelessly negative and swept up in pessimistic doom and gloom. Mom had changed that. _I _had changed that.

I noted it was Felix who sat at the reception desk when we entered. I guessed they hadn't gotten around to replacing Gianna. I wondered when they would choose another willing candidate to fill her position. Would the new one have such a lengthy term?

"Expecting an army?" Dad asked sarcastically.

"Where the Olympic Coven is concerned we have learned to take precautions," Felix retorted. "After all, it wouldn't be the first time you herded the masses to thwart Volturi command."

"We would never dream of breaking Volturi law - I mean vampire law," Mom replied sharply. "And I am sure the leaders would never dream of causing unrest among their people."

Felix moved swiftly around the desk as if reacting to a threat.

"Easy Felix," Jane commanded. "They aren't here for a fight. They are here for support. Pity."

I moved to sandwich myself between my parents. I remembered the gift Jane shared with me. Dad had felt it too, and he gripped my arm tightly. Mom had no idea what it felt like, because she was protected by a shield that didn't allow Jane's particular power to affect her. I could feel a strange tingle along my skin and imagined Mom was using her shield. How often had she used it in the past without me realizing? It wasn't exactly something I would notice. She was much calmer than Dad. A hiss was rippling in his throat.

The elevator ride was silent again. Jane stood with Felix at her side – their backs were to us.

_I'm a little scared._

Dad gave my arm another reassuring squeeze. I took a deep breath, and it was the only sound heard in the elevator. Jane snickered, which gave me the determination I needed to move ahead. Soon I would be a vampire, and as a newborn I would be physically stronger than her. Maybe I would use my temporary state of frenzy to tear her into shreds. They would chalk the lack of control up to typical behavior. Dad chuckled, causing Jane to hiss.

When we entered through the large doors, Marcus stood immediately. He was different – if I didn't know better, I might have described him as alive. A smile covered a large portion of his face.

The chairs were moved. No longer was Aro's slightly before the others. The two thrones were side by side. I wondered if I would be able to talk Aro into letting Marcus change me. The prospect was more appealing than having Aro's teeth sunk deep in my neck, pulling memories as he ripped from me my human half.

Marcus extended his hand after approaching with Aro. Propriety stopped me from hugging him and begging him to make the change. Mom and Dad stood level at my side, unwilling to make gracious welcomes.

"Thank you for joining us today," Aro said gleefully. "It is quite a day for celebration. Of course, we won't be able to fully appreciate the effects for a few days, but I have prepared a ceremony for when you are feeling…better."

"How kind of you," I replied shortly. "Though I don't intend to stay long."

"Of course," he said. "We will discuss it when you've had a little time to settle in."

Aro passed a quick glance to Marcus, who quickly touched his shoulder. Dad moved a step closer to me.

"She _will_ be returning with us," Dad said, his voice holding no sense of friendly discussion. "As you agreed."

"Well," Mom spoke, her voice level. "Let's get on with it, shall we?"

The time for discussion was over. The anticipation was draining my calm, and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to stand there and put up a brave front. Taking my last breath of human air, I stepped closer to Aro and tilted my head to the side to expose my neck.

"I had hoped for a bit of conversation first," Aro said, pretending to be disappointed by my forwardness. "I can see you are eager to make the change. I wouldn't want to deny you."

The speed at which Aro approached me barely left me time enough to close my eyes. I didn't want to see him coming, wanted to put my mind somewhere away from the pain I felt as he sunk his fangs into my throat. The immediate and searing pain reminded me of Jane's gift, and I experienced the drain of my blood through the holes he had left.

Though the act itself took only seconds, those seconds seemed like minutes. I opened my eyes, and it was like everything around me was happening in slow motion. The venom entered through the puncture wounds and instantly tried to attach itself to my own blood stream, but my blood was different. While partially human it was something more, something contagious. Nahuel was wrong. I was venomous, but not poisonous. What I offered back to Aro, what he pulled from me in that moment's taste of my purity, was a cure.

Aro fell to his knees on the floor when the change happened. The burning sensation in my neck quickly subsided, leaving me staring at him in confusion while he writhed in pain on the floor. I felt a new pain, a familiar ache that had me joining him. Jane was not pleased.

Somewhere in the shift, I heard Marcus shouting, "Felix. Deal with that."

I was dizzy and disoriented, but the pain stopped. I looked over to Aro, who had stopped convulsing. He was blinking rapidly. Was he dying? Had I killed him? Maybe the cure was death, something he would otherwise never experience again. The sounds coming from his body made me cringe. They were like rusty gears trying to churn. He wasn't dying. Everything inside him, which had lain dormant for centuries, was waking up from a deep sleep.

He had tried to take my life. He had succeeded, but not in the way he had hoped. Aro was thawing from a frozen state. I was the key to his future, and what he unlocked wasn't at all what he had expected.

The Guard, and Marcus, could do nothing but watch in agony as one of their own curled into a fetal position while the transition finished. I heard nothing from Jane, but saw that both she and Felix were no longer in the large room. Several others were gone as well. Marcus remained. Renata, the shield, stood confused about who she was supposed to protect. The remaining occupants stood transfixed in the strange show they were bearing witness to.

I wasn't sure how long we stood there, nor how long it took Aro to fully become human. The struggle ended in him releasing an abnormal amount of blackened liquid from his mouth. He was throwing up the remnants of death. The odor shifted quickly from rotten fruit to something far more appealing. The others noticed it more than me, the fresh blood penetrating the stale air. His eyes were the strangest change. They shifted from red clouds to a clear, ice-blue sky.

When Aro spoke the musical tone of his voice had vanished. "What. Have. You. Done. To. Me?"

I wasn't sure how to answer, wasn't really sure I believed what I was seeing. I hadn't come to terms with this new twist to my gift.

"I guess you should have killed me in the field," I whispered. "I am dangerous, after all."

I didn't feel dangerous. I felt liberated. I didn't have to be a vampire. I couldn't be human either, not permanently, but I could still have a life as I wanted. I could put my middling status on hold for long enough to enjoy humanities blessings. My purpose was revealed. I was the light shining down from the sky. I was able to return the world's order.

I could fix my family, if they wanted the same change as Aro had just made. I could give them their lives back. Would they want to revert? Would they give up forever to be human? Each would have to make a decision, and they had time on their side. They didn't have to make it today, but they _could _make it.

I was neither the Moon nor the Sun. I was the Earth in between them both, creating balance between night and day. It all revolved around me. I was not a single piece to a finished puzzle. I was the framework holding that puzzle together. I would rise to meet the challenge of my newly defined purpose. I was a bridge between mortality and immortality. I was _peace_, and as I made that shocking realization, a flood of warmth moved slowly through my senses. Giving was the amity I had so desperately sought, and I had finally found it.

"Change. Me. Back," Aro groaned.

Marcus, who had remained silent from shock, knelt quickly beside his brother. His bite didn't change anything. The strength of my cure was still running swiftly through Aro's veins and did not allow penetration of the venom. Unfortunately, in its diluted form it didn't have the same effect on Marcus. It didn't revert him. It wasn't pure, but it was strong enough to keep Aro from shifting back. He was human again whether he wanted to be or not.

I smiled proudly over my accomplishment and the gifts I was given. I was finally ready to meet my future, aware of my purpose, and ready to do what I was created to do. Nahuel's father had been right. Mixing the two species had created one that would unite both. There would be vampires. There would be humans. Both would have a choice.

I was the second chance everyone hoped for.

"You should go home now, Renesmee," Marcus advised. "I have some cleaning up to do here. Promise me you'll come back - at your leisure, of course. It would sadden me if I could not see you again."

"It would be my pleasure," I agreed, moving to wrap my arms affectionately around him. "And you can come to see me too."

He thought about that for a moment and smiled. Generally when Volturi leaders made rounds the result was never a happy ending. Making social calls was a new way to gain confidence, to promote unity.

"You are very wise," Marcus offered. "There is much to consider now, with this possibility you have brought to us. You are a shining star. Thank you for shining down on us in this way."

We left without further words. Again, I appreciated the comfort of being between my parents who were just as dazed as everyone else. Questions were already forming, and decisions would need to be made. Whatever they decided, I would fulfill their wishes. They needed to be free to make their own choices.

It wasn't them that I was excited to offer this option to. The one person I wanted to see, the one member of my vampire family who might want this new gift the most, was Rosalie. I'd made her wait for reprieve and with good reason. Now she would have another choice to make, and I wondered what life she would choose. Would she become human? It was the one thing she craved and coveted, but it was final. There would be no going back should she choose wrong. And it wouldn't be that simple. There was Emmett to consider. I would not change her unless Emmett agreed. They needed to be united in their future.

**#**

Explaining everything to my family took minimal effort. Alice had already informed them all of what she saw, once I was far enough away from Volterra to stop clouding her visions. She confirmed that Aro was still human, and no matter how much they attempted to change him back it was impossible. She looked ahead to confirm.

There was peace. The Volturi had found a middle ground and fought with great effort to keep from making him a meal. They succeeded in keeping him alive, because in biting him, the seemingly sweet scent of his blood was more like rotten fruit once tasted. So he would survive.

Rosalie and Emmett decided to be human, but wanted to wait for a while. There was no rush now that they knew they had that option. Alice and Jasper had no desire for mortality and were content in their vampiric status. Grandfather and Grandmother were delighted at the prospect of being able to live a natural life. They were content with their adopted children, but couldn't overlook the option to have a family of their own. They scheduled their transition for their anniversary, a grand time to make the shift. Mom and Dad made an agreement with me. Should I ever decide to be fully human and age, they would as well. They wouldn't live their life without me in it, but were content to wait and see if and when that would ever happen.

My place was in the middle. This prospect was far too great a responsibility for me to overlook it. I didn't need to choose between one side or another. My place was in the center, all threads leading outward from me. Only one loose end needed to be tied up. The center was big enough for more than me, and I hoped he would see past the break. I could rebuild the bridge if he would let me.

I didn't have to seek him out. He was waiting for his chance to talk to me. I smelled his scent the moment he stepped beyond the forest line. I wanted to run to him, but decided against it. I wasn't sure how he would receive me now. While not a vampire, I had taken away an important part of his pull toward me. There was no regret. The choice had been right. If he was going to choose me, it needed to be his own decision, not some shifter imprint. I tried to find the answers in his deep brown eyes, but was unable to.

"You came back," he said softly. "You're still you."

"And you're still you," I replied.

"Where's your boyfriend?" he asked, trying to force a smile.

"Standing right in front of me," I replied, haughtily lifting my chin in the air.

He tilted his head to the side. The forced smile transitioned into something better – his gleaming white teeth overwhelmed his face. He leaned in and grabbed hold of me. I didn't mind the small snapping sounds I heard from the pressure of his embrace, but it was difficult to speak when he was collapsing my lungs.

"Can't…breathe," I mouthed.

"Sorry," he replied quickly, easing up his grip but not releasing me. "You're back."

"I'm _home_," I countered.

My home was in the small town of Forks, which didn't seem so small to me anymore. My place in the world was far too large to ever consider this location anything more than the center of the universe. My universe. My world. My home.

"I didn't know if you'd come back," he admitted.

"I didn't know if you'd notice that I did," I rebutted.

"You don't give me enough credit," he accused me.

"Jacob," I said seriously. "I broke it...the bond."

"You didn't break anything," he argued, laughing.

I doubted myself, doubted my gift. Maybe I was letting everything go to my head, and I wasn't nearly as powerful as I felt. It really didn't matter, because it meant I still had Jacob. I frowned slightly, having hoped he would have chosen me without magic clouding his decision.

"You might have temporarily confused me, but you really don't understand how imprinting works," he said.

"Well explain it to me," I suggested, not really caring so much about the words as wanting to feel the hypnotic pull of his voice and the warmth of his breath on my face.

"It only happens when two people are meant to be together," he spoke softly, taking a stray bronze curl and tucking it behind my ear. "It's like jumping into the future and finding your soul mate. You only connect with the person you were destined to be with. It's not one-sided. Do you feel the same?"

"I love you," I announced. "I'm _in_ love with you. Is that what you mean?"

"Then it couldn't be broken," he continued. "Or you wouldn't feel that way."

So I was right. I had pulled it into myself and was holding it there. Maybe he didn't feel the same, but I could change that. I would spend my time with him and hope for the best. We were a perfect fit, and he would have to see that eventually.

"I'm _in _love with you too, Nessie," he declared, breaking me free from my thoughts.

I smiled, a flood of warmth washing over me. He was in love with me too, and nothing else could have delighted me more. No cure. No gifts. Nothing could have made me feel more complete than hearing those words from his beautiful lips.

Leaning up, I kissed him with every feeling I had inside me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, dangling from the ground as I worked my mouth along the salty sea shore of his lips. When he kissed me back it was like a tidal wave had crashed through my body, drowning me in the emotion I felt for my wolf.

"You're home," he repeated with giddy delight.

"Almost," I said, grinning. "I will be when you take me to _our_ cabin."

"Not yet," he said, pulling my hands free and placing my feet gently on the ground.

"Why not?" I shrieked.

"First of all, your Dad would kill me," he said, laughing. "Second of all, the next time you spend the night, I want to carry you across the threshold as my wife."

I bit my lip and considered his good sense. Firstly, Dad _would_ kill him or at least try really hard to. Dad was a very old-fashioned man. Mom would be more diplomatic. She might even help me to convince Dad otherwise. Secondly, I _did_ want to marry Jacob. I wanted to be his wife and have a family with him. I could already imagine little scurrying feet running through the forest.

"Where's my ring?" I inquired impatiently. "Let's hope it fits or this could get _really_ awkward."

"A little faith please," he said, confident as he dug it out of his pocket.

As he started to kneel down, I interrupted him, "Maybe you better get permission first?"

"I already did," Jacob retorted smartly. "Two days after you were born."

I laughed and extended my hand while he positioned himself on the ground below me.

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen," he stated, an edge of seriousness I had never heard before in his glorious voice. "Will you marry me?"

"If the ring fits," I agreed, wiggling my finger in anticipation.

We were an undeniable team. He would walk with me in correcting the ill-fates of the world, promising change and offering a choice to whoever had that taken from them.

He took the ring and slid it carefully over my finger. It was a perfect fit.

He lifted me up from the ground and pressed his lips to mine. The sun I had not seen in far too long broke through the ominous clouds, the beams flowing down toward us. It was no longer centered on me, but danced around us. We _were_ the light. My peace - my amity - was Jacob Black, and I was his. He would share his world with me. I would share my world with him. It was _our_ world, _our_ future. The future was set, and we would meet it together.


End file.
